Friday, November 23, 2012

THE THANKSGIVING SOUR GRAPES
The Death Of Darth Brown &
The Evil Empire In Ash(es)
Edition


The headline on Orangebloods.com on the Day After The Day of Days - "Searching For Answers"- pretty much said it all for the entire season the Evil Empire down in Austin has had. Of course, I am not sure that Darth Mack Brown is even quite sure what the hell the questions are yet. Or what happened. Or who did it. Or whose father he is. He may not even remember the wrecking crew in purple that swept through his stadium on Thanksgiving evening and set fire to his coaching seat, David Ash's arm, Bevo, the rest of the stadium and most of the rest of Horns Nation, or as we call it, "The Outer Evil Empire". Those present in Darrell K "Cockroaches" Royal Memorial Stadium could smell the smoke and sulfur of the fire the Frogs wrought. The Purple Swarm Of Goodness and Light that devalued the t-shirt stocks of every Wal-Mart and Target store in the Republic of Texas sent The Evil Empire, its leading minions, and the college football world in general the most definitive message ever from the former Little Sisters Of The Poor (Now Known As The Large, Mean, Nasty Amazon Butt Kickers): "Here is your butt. Please allow me hand it to you. Screw you and the horse you rode in on. Blessings upon you and the little that is left of your house". Of course, GMFP did so with class and character. That quote is what I would have said. If ever a college football coach did a wonderful deer in the headlights impression, it was Darth Mack Brown standing on his hallowed sidelines with about a minute left in the first half realizing that the Death Star was about to explode. In his face. Big time.
One thing that I have learned since Thanksgiving night is that the fans of the Evil Empire are THE. BEST. EXCUSE. MAKERS. ANYWHERE.
EVER.  
They are better at making excuses than Marie Antoinette in front of the guillotine trying to convince Robespierre that she never got the memo about people being hungry ("What is this about eating cake? I never said that!"). Better than Lou Holtz always trying to explain why Notre Dame should be in its deserved number one spot in the nation even though they were usually like 3-10 or something (OK, this year that one is passe' for a change). Better than that time in high school that I snuck my Dad's car out late at night and had to break the side window to get to the keys after I locked them in the car. I then blamed it all on the partying neighbors and their friends (who were no doubt fans of the Evil Empire - actually, that one worked).   
According to the mindcontrolled automatons of the Evil Empire TCU and GMFP didn't win - couldn't win. That would defy physics (their grasp of science is another reason one should not actually study at UT under any circumstances). Instead the Evil Empire 1) gave it away, 2) is INCREDIBLY overrated since they lost to a Mountain West team (and yes, I had to seek medical help for my blood pressure after I read that one), 3) lost because Darth Mack Brown couldn't coach a little Miss's sewing bee (probably true), 4) lost because someone poisoned David Ash's turkey, 5) "we screwed up the hex - never hex a Frog. Maybe we should have used purple candles?", 6) UT sucks, 7) blah, blah, blah, blah. None of them could admit that TCU simply dominated from start to finish, controlled both sides of the ball and made UT play their game. TCU did not embarrass them on national television in the only college game played all day. They must have embarassed themselves, because "the little sisters of the poor don't belong in the BIg 12 - this was the ultimate fluke" (I already have Guido, Luca Brasi and Paulie Walnuts out looking for that particular idiot). 
And then, after all of this, tiny Chaminade University of Hawaii kicked their basketball team's overrated butts right off the court the same night in Honolulu. It must hurt to be a Longhorn and have sold your essence to the Evil Empire, huh?
Some of the excuses have to be read to be believed. Some of my favorites included the guy whose excuse was pretty existential, saying that "Texas has been a joke of a program since colt went down in the Bama game. How many more season do we have to suffer before Mack is finally kicked to the curb. This team has not fight and just doesn't seem to give a damn. Case and Ash are horrible", the inevitably arrogant "Y'all just need to get over your envy of the Horns popularity. They represent the best state school for football in Texas" (where is this vacant guy when I need to borrow large sums of cash?), and my personal favorite excuse, which blames the one group everyone tends to hate - "the damn refs must be getting paid by TCU. The refs gave TCU this game. We all know that TCU is a glorified high school team" (editorial note: get bent sideways pal, eat dirt and howl at the moon). 
The only college football fans that might have enjoyed this dismantling of the Evil Empire even more than Horned Frog Nation (other than the guys in Vegas that took TCU and the points, although the over/under was fantastically blown) were the myriad of Aggies coming on to all of the Evil Empire fan sites to rub it in with true gusto. Incidentally, the next person that uses the phrase "Johnny Football" and then types "whooop" is likely to wind up with my football in an anatomically impossible place and position, but I digress. Aggie Nation may have enjoyed this win even more than we did - and that is really saying something.
Darth Mack Brown and his numberless minions should stop making excuses and start, you know, coaching. Texas did not play well, but even if they had played well TCU would have taken this one. Period. N'est plus 'le d├ębat. No amount of Evil Empire excuses, tricks, hexes, cross dressing, hiring Craig James to organize fundraising hookers during Formula One weekend and then letting him kill 5 of them or anything else would have saved the Evil Empire from its fate at the hands of what will become the best team in all the land next year and the year after that. GMFP is playing a combined 28 true and redshirt freshman, much of the second and third string, and is still 7-4 and very likely to finish the season 8-4 since, if TCU plays as they did on Thanksgiving, Oklahoma is in big trouble.
The Frogs are adjusting to the new conference, just as they did coming into the Mountain West. And just like that journey, this one will end up with us on top, and hopefully playing for the National Championship. When this group of kids jell into a mature football team, going to the Rose Bowl as a consolation won't be enough. In 2013 or 14 or (or maybe and) 15 I am starting to believe that we will see "TCU - National Champions". If GMFP can do this well with a team this decimated by suspensions and youth, imagine what will be when the suspensions end, the transfers play and the youth mature. Monster Frogs are coming. Last night was a small preview. If you don't believe me, just ask a guy down in Austin named Darth Mack Brown, head Minion of the Evil Empire. After Thanksgiving night he is a true believer. And he will say so right before he grabs the Evil Emperor Deloss Dodds and throws them both down the nuclear reactor shaft of the Death Star and ends the evil empire once and for all.
This was yet another "biggest win in the history of the program". We have had a lot of those since 2005, and they will keep coming. All I can say about this win is 
Riff, Ram, Bah Zoo 
Lickety, Lickety, Zoo, Zoo 
Who, Wah, Wah, Who 
Give 'em Hell, TCU 
What else needs to be said after Thanksgiving night?

Next week the Oklahoma Sooners will attempt to ride their covered wagons to Fort Worth and beat the Frogs. We will burn those as well and send the Sooners (and the Laters) home on a rail. 
 TCU 21, OU 17.