Timmy Wants TCU Football on TV!
If you are like me, the thought of not having a game this Saturday leaves you feeling confused, frightened, and completely dumbfounded as to how to approach your Saturday. I'm sure many of you will go hunting, some will attend weddings, or maybe even catch a concert. Many of you, however, will be fiending for football like West Virginia fans fiend for meth. No worries everyone. I am here to give you a guide to approaching this Saturday sans TCU football. It won't be near as good as the real thing, but consider this your TCU football methadone.
9:00 a.m.: Wake up call. Some of you may be more ambitious than this, but by 9 everyone should be up with some form of eggs and bacon cooking or at least a delicious sack of donuts and kolaches. That's pretty much how my TCU gameday routine starts, so I figure if I stick to the normal pattern for as long as possible the withdrawal symptoms will hold off for longer. Flip it on College Gameday live from Eugene, Oregon and admire the sick facilities that Nike has bought that place. Also admire their smokin' hot cheerleaders, because they're some of the finest in the country. While you're at it, take notice of how much Gameday has upgraded with the addition of the younger, hotter version of Erin Andrews, Samantha Steele. There isn't really a great slate of games today, so the chatter from them will likely be about a bunch of games nobody cares about, but it still beats no football at all. Maybe they'll spend a good solid hour trying to explain what the Hell happened to Thomas Johnson? In his defense I'd probably run away from College Station as well. Now the ambitious readers will start drinking at some point before the end of Gameday and the start of the 11am games. Might I suggest mimosas. Just because TCU isn't playing doesn't mean it won't be a long, drunken day. Pace yourselves. This decision may also help to ween you into the TCU-less football weekend and help ease the pain.
11:00 a.m.: This is always the prime spot for lousy Big Ten games being called on ESPN2 by the repulsive Pam Ward. I advise you to steer clear of those at all costs. This will send your day into a tailspin and likely result in you shaking and crying in the fetal position on your couch. DO NOT put yourself in this situation. This is modern day college football. There is exciting football to be found all over the place. That means no Northwestern/Michigan State, Iowa/Michigan, or Indiana/Penn State. I apologize if just reading those matchups made you sleepy. That was not my intention.
Apparently Maryland is busting out some pretty rad all black Under Armour unis in their game vs. Florida State, but all black is only cool at night and you're not starting a freshman linebacker at QB. This game is a no-go as well. Honestly, your best bet here is Tulsa/UCF in a battle of Conference USA unbeatens to see who plays in the conference championship. This may sound miserable, but at least you are promised no defense and a ton of action. Consider this the football version of a Michael Bay film. No substance, but at least it's mindlessly entertaining. The hard part here is going to be finding this game on TV. Without looking, I'll guess it's on CBS College Sports or whatever the Hell it's called. If you're not into that, put it on the SEC network and watch Arkansas play the worst 7-3 team in the land, Mississippi State. Remember, everyone in SEC country thinks GP is next in line at Arky, so laugh at their failure on the field as well as their failure in the coaching search.
If you think you have enough Vitamin-C at this point, feel free to switch over to beer. Your stomach should be settled by now and full of a delicious breakfast if you're doing it right. Start with something light though, since it's still early and you're probably still feeling the Friday night effects as well.
2:00 p.m.: After slamming a delicious brunch somewhere towards the end of the miserable 11:00 a.m. games, you're all ready to go for a fresh slate of afternoon tilts. First off, flip it over to Fox in time for the kickoff at 2:05 for surprisingly average USC and a surprisingly good UCLA squad. This rivalry will no doubt be more tense than ever, since UCLA cried foul about USC putting a sword in their logo. Get over it, sissies. They do it to everybody. For that alone, I'll be pulling for a USC school that I can't stand. You can stick with this for about a half hour, then you have your choice between LSU/Ole Miss on CBS or Tech/Okie State on FSN. I do not give you the option to watch Notre Dame/Wake Forest on NBC though. See the note above about watching boring Big Ten football, because the same applies to ND especially against a team like Wake Forest. I get that they're undefeated, but they'd get worked by anyone left in the top 10. This is a team that should have lost to Pitt.
I've already called for the blowout of Okie State over Tech, so unless you really enjoy watching Tech get destroyed (I do) then this one might not be for you. Give it a shot early on because it's a Big 12 game, but I don't think you'll be interested later on. Ole Miss is much improved, but it's still Ole Miss trying to beat LSU. Probably going to be a laugher. Your best bet for a close game down the stretch will be the aforementioned USC/UCLA game, or whichever game is being aired on ABC, whether it be Clemson/NC State or Ohio State/Wisconsin. If it's the ladder, proceed with caution because of the prior warnings of what Big Ten football will do to a fragile football psyche.
You may step it up to big boy beers at this point. It's late afternoon and by now you're feeling pretty good. Still no liquor yet. The sun is still up and you're not outside tailgating. You are not ready. It will send your mind into a dark, dark place to consume early liquor without TCU football to keep an even keel.
6:00 p.m.: You've made it to the night games, which this season have weekly provided us with great entertainment. Start off on Fox with OU/WVU from The Moonshine State. It probably won't be much of a game, but it could be great theater for an hour or so until the 7 p.m. games roll around. Once that happens, I'd start with the #1 ranked Kansas State Wildcats at the 1 conference win Baylor Bears. Like I mentioned earlier, it's a conference game, so give it a shot. Personally, I'll be pretty annoyed if K State hasn't embarrassed Baylor by the time the Baylor Line reaches their seats in their tacky yellow practice jerseys. Once that inevitably does happen, flip it over to Oregon/Stanford for some Oregon football/sensory overload. I'm sure they'll be in some glow in the dark Thanksgiving Special uniforms that will make your eyes water and potentially cause seizures, and if that doesn't do it then watching DeAnthony Thomas and Kenjon Barner run most likely will. Stanford is the best defense in the PAC-12, so they have the potential to keep it close and keep you entertained into the 2nd half. Hopefully that defense is enough to make a game of this, but not enough to pull the upset and springboard Notre Dame into an unwarranted national title birth. That's your best bet for a close game in the prime time slot, so stick with it but keep your eyes on the others mentioned just in case.
The sun is down and you've endured a long day absent of TCU football. You may switch to the liquor of your choice. Normally there's an SEC game of note watching in this time slot which automatically triggers the bourbon light in my head, but with no southern raucous of note tomorrow night, bourbon is not a must. I'd say pick your liquor based on the game. WVU/OU- Moonshine, obviously. Baylor/KSU- Sober up, because that's what they're doing. Oregon/Stanford- seems like the Oregon folks would drink a lot of vodka to me, while the brainy Stanford elite would prefer the scotch. You decide based on who you're cheering for.
11:00 p.m.: Turn the TV off, you loser. There isn't a single decent game going on at this point at night and you've been assaulting your liver for roughly 13 hours now. Surely there's something better you can be doing...scratch that, call a cab and get to the bar. You've still got 3 more hours!
Hope this guide helps the rest of you TCU football junkies survive tomorrow without our much needed sports crack. Remember, pace yourselves and always root against Baylor and Tech. Go Frogs!