Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Lessons in SMU Hate: Playboy Hate.

The Orgin Of Playboy

Last weekend's matchup between TCU and UVA featured two major Conference teams battling for ESPN exposure while also trying to survive El Nino and its 90+ degree September temperatures.  But did you also know that it was a matchup of two of the top ten party schools in the nation?  WELL, DID YOU?  According to Playboy Magazine - in this case you really ARE just reading it for the articles - Texas Christian University checks in at #9 on the list and UVA, believe it or not, clocks in all the way at the top spot, dethroning the University of Texas.  Apparently having athletes who are good at murdering trumps having athletes that are only good at dealing drugs.  Remember that time every girl you knew read Deadspin that one time when Spencer Hall and Drew Magary mentioned that TCU kids like to drink, just so they could link it to their Facebook pages?  Well, you're in for an entirely new round of self-congratulatory status updates from girls who graduated 5+ years ago.  Thanks, Playboy.

Playboy doesn't flesh out their reasoning for TCU specifically, but you can probably do the math on why we qualified - the overwhelmingly skewed ratio of girls to guys which increases the number of drunk/desperate hookups, the overemphasis on Greek life to the point that it makes everyone involved HYPER-Frat and alienates all the normals , and football success, to name a few.  And while some of you might use this as an opportunity to put on your high-waisted, "WELL, BACK IN MY DAY THESE WHIPPERSNAPPERS COULDN'T HOLD MY JOCK IN A DRINKING CONTEST" pants, just remember that VANDERBILT is #7 and realize this isn't an exact science.

 Playboy also gave their Honorable Mention rankings based on sex life, sporting life and nightlife. For each individual category they give a list of specific schools and, wouldn't you know, topping the "nightlife" segment are our pals to the east, SMU.  Current SMU student Colton  Moyer concurs, offering, "The bar scene at SMU definitely dominates.  Everyone is all about going to the bar and balling out"  If that DIRECT QUOTE doesn't tell you all you need to know about why we hate SMU, then I'm not sure you can ever be convinced.

I guess Playboy is basically awarding this to the city of Dallas and giving SMU all the credit;  they easily could've just said "University of Texas at Dallas," "University of North Texas at Dallas," or "El Centro."  Heck, they could've said, "Texas Woman's University," and the idea would've been the same.  And while I'm not sure you should technically be able to count a college in a major metropolitan area among your "best nightlife" picks, here we are.

So, my first thought, on the surface of this is, "Does this mean Dallas has the best nightlife of any city in the United States?"  Look at their other 4 picks - Stevens Institute of Technology (Hoboken, NJ - right across the Hudson from NYC, so NYC), University of Pennsylvania (Philly), Northwestern University (Chicago), Lehigh University (Bethlehem, PA - not really near anything.  CURIOUS pick) and University of Denver.  So, according to Playboy, Dallas, Philadelphia, Denver, New York AND BETHLEHEM are the consensus top 5 picks for nightlife options for a college student.  Uhh, Hef - doesn't UNLV win this in an absolutely incredible landslide?   Did you go to a Vegas club - or, heck, any club for that matter - in college?  Have you been to a club since?  Did you enjoy it?  Yes? THEN GET THE HELL OFF MY BLOGLAWN.  Seriously, though, if we're allowing any city with a University in its limits to be included, it's Vegas, it's New York, it's LA, and then it's everyone else.

This begs the question, "Has anyone from Playboy actually ever BEEN OUT in Dallas?"  Holy hell!  Dallas has two good bars.  One of them - Slip Inn - is seedy, but in a good part of town and is usually only accessible after you've had 17 drinks because all they play is really loud rap music.  The other one  - Lee Harvey's - is seedy, but in a bad part of town and is only accessible early in the evening because you'll never get home, otherwise.  Both bars offer the distinct opportunity for getting mugged and/or carjacked on the way home.  Remember, these are the BEST Dallas has to offer.

For instance - there's a new bar in Dallas called "Sixth Street Bar."  It is meant to resemble an "Austin Bar," which means absolutely nothing to me and probably nothing to most people from Austin, either.  In Dallas, any bar with a patio and cans of PBR is considered an "Austin Bar."  What makes Sixth Street Bar more Austinish than literally any other bar in the city is beyond me.  Did they find their own homeless man who cross dresses and have him work the door? Did they hang more UT flags than an average bar?  It's unclear.

Furthering the Austin theme, TCU hosts game watch parties for the young alumni in Dallas, EVEN WHEN THE GAMES ARE IN FORT WORTH, which is another piece altogether.  They host them at a bar called J. Black's.  Do you know where J. Black's originated? Austin.  Also, it is maybe the worst bar in Dallas.  If my satellite went out at my house, I'd listen on the radio before I'd go watch at J. Black's.  And if my radio didn't work, I'd just read about it in USA Today 3 days later.

Two bars, both copping another town's mojo, one directly, one indirectly.  And there are SO many other examples.  Dallas bars fall into four categories - ones where divorcees are looking for a sugar daddy (any bar in Highland Park Village or a hotel), ones where the 30K millionaires strut their stuff (Uptown), those where you can feel comfortable despite your unfortunate tattoo and piercing situation (Greenville Avenue and Oak Cliff) and ones where SMU kids go to overdose on drugs...which is actually just their dorm rooms.  So three categories.  They are all awful in their own way.  Last time I went to one of the divorcee-centric bars, a waitress knocked my wife's red wine glass into her face and did not stop to apologize.  The last time I went to one of the 30K millionaire bars, I got strange looks for not wearing club clothes.  The last time I went to one of the hipster bars, I was judged for preferring Stephen Malkmus' solo work over his Pavement output.  I have never been to SMU's campus outside of gameday, and I will probably never do that again, either.  You can never be too careful.

So in the article, it specifically mentions the Idle Rich Pub, the "campus hotspot that best describes the student body."  Now, if we're talking about "Campus Bars," your options are the bars on SMU and Yale BLVD's which include the Barley House, Milo Butterfingers, the Green Elephant and the irritatingly named Across the Street Bar.  Without going into too much detail, they are all terrible.  I'm pretty sure I once did a Hate post about the Barley House that was one of my finer efforts.  To summarize - even Grubes from the Ticket screaming Rage Against the Machine covers in the corner couldn't elevate that place to "inhabitable."  Green Elephant isn't much better, and Ozona's is a restaurant.

The Idle Rich, though, is a different kind of terrible.  For one, it's miles from SMU's campus, and therefore should not be credited to SMU.  For another, while I'm sure SMU kids go there, Idle Rich is mostly just the dregs of the Uptown Crowd, sipping well vodka sodas and figuring out how to make the lease payment on the BMW they can't afford.  Imagine Snookies in FW before it went away. Now, imagine those night's when you'd go, the line would be out the door and, once you got inside, you had no chance of getting a drink, going to the bathroom or even moving from your spot.  Now, add a faux Pub theme, make the line twice as long, remove your friends from the equation and replace them with entitled assholes, and stick it in a parking lot with a crappy burger joint and that's Idle Rich.  Sounds pleasant, eh?  The type of place where you could, "Ball out?"  The type of place you'd want to describe the student body of the school you attend?  According to Playboy, Idle Rich could be the best bar in America.

Die, Playboy.

New Rankings

Not according to Hugh Hefner
 Playboy recently released their Top 10 Party Schools for 2012, and guess who made the list? Our little "Christian" University came in at #9 in Playboy's annual rankings. Never really thought of TCU as a big time party school, but after the recent Cartel takedown, I guess we gained a little street cred. I mean, I like to party and all, but top 10? Man, things must have changed since I was there, because honestly, I don't see it. I can name about 20 other schools not on this list that I would consider a better party school. My guess is that for this year, any school where over 90% of the student population has herpes was automatically disqualified from the list. Sorry ASU and Tech. On another note, I can't wait to see the Girls of the Big 12 edition of Playboy the next time that comes out. Are TCU girls allowed to pose in the buff? Anways, for those of you at work that can't get caught looking at softcore pornsites,  the Top 10 Party Schools for 2012 are as follows:
1. UVA
2. Southern Cal
3. Florida
4. UT
5. Wisky
6. Georgia
7. Vanderbilt
8. Tulane
9. TCU
10. Ohio State

Also of note, SMU was voted #1 for nightlife and most likely place to be dumped in a dark alley/porta-potty. Quote from Colton Moyer, Class of 2013, " The bar scene at SMU definitely dominates, everyone is all about going to the bar and balling out." Douche.

SMU and Craig(James)list

Apparently, SMU fans are so disillusioned with their "program" that they have taken to Craigslist to try and pawn off tickets for the Iron Skillet Rivalry Game in Dallas... (Craigslist! Not just for soliciting ladies of the night at SMU anymore!)

Please click the link and revel in the glory that is the ridiculousness of SMU Football and their dwindling fan base...

So, not only are SMU fans so disgusted with their team that they don't want to go to games, but they are willing to post this is a public forum for all the world to see. That's a degree of shame that deserves special recognition.

In the comments, let's hear your best offer for this poor Ponies seats!

Weekend Preview.

I want to go to there.

Even though Hate Bowl doesn't begin until 6PM Saturday night and your entire Saturday will probably be spent consuming alcohol in the bright sun, trying to forget the 10,000 red and blue clad you'll be forced to spend your evening with, it's entirely possible you do not care about any other games this weekend.  Truth be told, this is a pretty great weekend for the Hate Bowl because the matchups around the NCAA are pretty lackluster.  Let's dig in.

Game of the Week, Direct Importance - Lurker:  #18 Oregon State @ Arizona.  Despite only playing two games through 4 weeks, Oregon State has made quite the impression, taking down a then-ranked, Big Ten favorite Wisconsin Badgers team in week 2, and doing the same against then-ranked, Pac 12 dark horse UCLA last weekend.  Arizona, once a dark horse division candidate themselves, just had their football season murdered in Eugene by a score of 49-0.  At only 2 spots behind TCU and Obama's brother in law on the staff, a win here could very possibly move the Beavers ahead of the Frogs should TCU have another lackluster performance.  Let's pull for the Wildcats to be safe.  Also see:  #16 Clemson @ Boston College.

Game of the Week, Direct Importance - Jumper:  #20 Michigan State @ #14 Ohio State.  Ohio State enters the game 4-0, yet ineligible to compete for the Big Ten title or play in a bowl.  Michigan State enters the game 3-1, but only scored 3 points against Notre Dame two weeks ago, and then last week were held to 2 Field goals by a BAD Eastern Michigan team until late in the third quarter.  Big Ten Football, catch the excitement!  They are the new Big East.

Game of the Week, Conference Importance - #25 Baylor @ #9 West Virginia.  True, UT/OSU deserves just as much attention, but we're saving them for later, and this one could go a long way in determining the Big 12 champ.  And by that I mean West Virginia, not Baylor.  NEVER Baylor.  After two barn storming performances against Marshall and James Madison, the Eers came back to earth a little bit last weekend, pulling out a 10 point win over a terrible Maryland team.  But while, on the surface, this brief glimpse of WVU being human might make you feel better about going to Morgantown, let me remind you that QB Geno Smith is still decidedly UN-human.  His season totals are as follows:  96 completions on 118 attempts - 81% - for 1072 yards and 12 TDs against 0 picks.  That's how Heisman's happen.  Baylor is getting a lot more attention than normal because no one expected them to be 3-0 without Griffin, so it's probably warranted.  QB Nick Florence is currently running the 5th ranked passing offense in the country, which good for him because his defense is all around TERRIBLE, giving up  492 yards through 3 games.  Keep in mind Baylor has played SMU, Sam Houston and Louisiana Monroe.  For their part, WVU isn't tons better, letting opponents rack up 400 week-to-week, although Baylor gives up an extra TD on average compared to WVU.  Probably going to be some points scored here, but Geno Smith should have a field day.  Take the "over."

Game of the Week, National Importance - N/A.  Seriously, check the schedule.  Your prime time games are Texas @ Oklahoma State, Wisconsin @ Nebraska, and Ole Miss @ Alabama.  Only two games match ranked teams - Baylor/West Virginia and Ohio State/Michigan State.  I'd rather watch the scab refs.

Game of the Week, Plain 'Ol Hate - #15 TCU @ SMU.  Well, duh.  That hate supercedes any competing hate.

Game of the Week Oops, I Crapped My Pants (Placeholder for UT Chokejob when applicable):  #12 Texas @ Oklahoma State.  We finally have one!  It may have taken four weeks, but we finally have our first UT Chokejob special for the year.  Hopefully there will be more to come.  Texas comes into the game having had 2 weeks to prepare for the Pokes after Wyoming, New Mexico and Ole Miss of the Mountain West Conference (not a typo).  Oklahoma State has been up and down, destroying Savannah State and Louisiana Lafayette, sandwiched around a bad loss to Arizona.  In that last game the Cowboys lost starting QB Wes Lunt, but backup JW Walsh - both of those names are real and not from the cutting room floor of Friday Night Lights, I promise - stepped in and kept the 2nd ranked passing offense in the nation rolling.  Lunt should be back this weekend, but should he not be up to speed, it appears Walsh can carry the load.  As for Texas, they've been using their JV-SEC offense to win games, grinding out yards on the ground and keeping points off the board... well, except for at Ole Miss, but when you score 66 points, defense is optional.  Still, UT is only giving up 16 points per game on average and 180 yards through the air.  But, they haven't faced an offense like OSU's which features pretty great balance - 6th in passing, 2nd in rushing, 1st in scoring - so Saturday should be a pretty good test.  The only problem for OSU, though, is going to be keeping points off the board as they give up 4 TDs on average... not good against a UT offense averaging 50 a game.  A bit of a revenge game for UT after losing the last couple against OSU, but OSU always seems to play Texas tough - remember those couple of years where OSU would jump out to 5 TD leads then lose by the same margin?  That was fun - so I wouldn't expect it to be a cakewalk.  If UT is really "back" we'll find out Saturday night.

Game of the Week - Culture War:  N/A.  Because it's CLEARLY Baylor in Morgantown, but we've already hit on that game.  A potential aggy @ Cal game had the Pac-12/Big 12 merger situation gone through would've been the creme-de-la-creme, but this game is a pretty good close second.  The antics of these mountain folk will set back the Baptist religion's faith in humanity to pre-enlightenment levels. Godspeed, Bears.

Around the Big 12: Week 5

Last week was definitely the most entertaining week of the young Big 12 season, starting off with Baylor on Friday night spending a few quarters trying to figure out how to stop a 2 QB system before realizing that all they had to do was throw deep and it wouldn't be stopped against ULM.  It was close, but the Bears pulled out a 47-42 victory.  West Virginia, much like TCU, played some uninspiring football against a mediocre ACC opponent but still managed to win 31-21.  As predicted, Kansas still sucks and couldn't beat Northern Illinois on the road, falling 30-23.  Ouch, Kansas.  The headliner of the Big 12 slate last weekend was Kansas State/OU, and K State and Baby Tebow took their act into Norman and knocked off the Sooners 24-19.  Landry Jones- congratulations on being the most overrated player in college football this year.  Yikes, you're not good.  I'm going to gloat about predicting that one as well, because K State was a 14 point underdog and to be quite honest, I probably won't have nearly as much success guessing the result of these Big 12 games as I did last weekend.  Give me my moment please.  Now it's time to look at this week's slate of games, a week where everyone else in action plays their first conference game.  OU has the week off to lick their wounds and K State has this week to celebrate breaking into the top 10.  Kansas doesn't play this week either, but even if they were playing I don't think anyone would notice nor care.

#25 Baylor (3-0, 0-0) @ #9 West Virginia (3-0, 0-0) - Saturday, 11am, FX

Does West Virginia play any road games this year?  4 games all at home so far, but Baylor might be their first actual test of the season.  The early over/under for this one is set at 79.5 and I bet you see it go up even further than that.  Seriously though, first team to play defense wins, and I think that'll be West Virginia.  Can you imagine the terrified Baylor dorks that have the stones to actually make the trip up to Morgantown?  This is a school that didn't allow dancing until the '90s and they're going to play amongst a swarm of fans that are twisted enough to have a Rob Zombie movie based on them.  If you like watching Baylor lose and suffer as much as I do, I'd start your hate filled SMU Saturday by watching this bloodbath.  It'll put you in the mood for a day's worth of TCU enemy misery.  There will probably be lots of tears, blood, and one very, very overrated football team being grossly exposed early Saturday morning.  Final Score:  WVU 52 - Baylor 28.  

Texas Tech (3-0, 0-0) @ Iowa State (3-0, 0-0) - Saturday, 6pm, Fox College Sports

Both teams had a bye week last week to prepare for this game and I think for the most part they are pretty evenly matched.  By "evenly matched" I really mean "incredibly average".  Tech's blowout wins over Northwestern State, Texas State and New Mexico have somehow been impressive enough to get into the "others receiving votes" category of the rankings.  Iowa State's 3 wins haven't been impressive either, knocking off Tulsa, Western Illinois and Iowa (who might be the worst of the 3 teams they've played).  If you're an optimist, you'd say this is the first real test for both of these teams and it'll be a great matchup of two undefeated Big 12 teams.  I'm a realist though, and this game is a battle of crappy Big 12 teams who haven't played anyone yet.  Thankfully one of them has to lose.  I'm glad this one is during the TCU game and I don't know what channel Fox College Sports is, because I don't even accidentally want my eyes to come across this game.  Since I have to pick a winner I'll pick the home team, mainly because I think Paul Rhoads is a really talented coach with an extra week to prepare.  Final Score:  Iowa State 34 - Texas Tech 28.  

#12 Texas (3-0, 0-0) @ Oklahoma State (2-1, 0-0) - Saturday, 7pm, FOX

FOX has landed a couple of pretty nice Saturday night games in a row over the past two weeks with USC/Stanford two weeks ago and OU/KSU last weekend, and it looks like they might have another hotly contested matchup this Saturday night as well.  Again, we have two teams coming off of a bye week to prepare for their first Big 12 game.  Texas has looked impressive offensively and suspect defensively early on this season, which is pretty much the exact opposite of how most imagined it would be for the Horns.  Oklahoma State, per usual, is getting it done offensively, leading the FBS in scoring at 62.3 ppg. That might be more than the TCU basketball team averages this year. Their defense has been their achilles heel this year, giving up 27.7 per contest despite shutting out Savannah State in their opener.  They gave up a whopping 59 points to an Arizona team who was blanked last week by Oregon, another team not exactly known for their defense.  I think the UT philosophy will be to pound the ball on the ground and control the clock while wearing down a weak OSU defense and keeping the ball away from their high powered offense.  I think it works and UT leave Stillwater with a W.  This win still doesn't sell me on UT though because I think OSU was incredibly overrated to start the year and could have a tough season.  Final Score:  UT 38 - OSU 31.

Morning Dump: 09/26

TCU @ SMU Preview -