Friday, June 22, 2012

Big 12 Orientation: UT-Austin's famous alumni

When you're awarding more than 10,000 degrees every year, you're bound to have a few famous faces among your former students. Here are a few of the more familiar Longhorns:

Tom Hicks- He made his money the Mitt Romney way, but Hicks will always be remembered for somehow being a worse sports franchise owner than Jerry the same town, no less!  Seriously, $65 million for Chan Ho Park?

Matthew McConaughey- What's so funny about McConaughey's brilliant breakout role of Wooderson in Dazed and Confused is that the actor himself appears to have completely missed the point.  Wooderson was a fucking loser, and so is McConaughey for basing his real-life persona on him. 

Lena Guerrero- Guerrero, who is no longer with us, was at one time seen as quite the trailblazer in Texas politics.  In 1984, she was elected to the Texas House of Representatives at age 25.  Seven years later, she became the first woman and first ethnic minority to be selected to serve on the ultra-powerful Texas Railroad Commission when she received the appointment of then-governor Ann Richards.  When it came time for voters to prolong her term, though, it was revealed that she had never- as she claimed- actually graduated from UT-Austin.  Whoops!

 Charles Whitman- Eagle Scout, Marine, UT-Austin student.  Murdered his wife and mother before going all Columbine from the top of the UT-Austin tower. 

Robert Rodriguez- In the '90s, Rodriguez was a big up & coming director after his career started off with movies like El Mariachi, Desperado and From Dusk 'Til Dawn?  Now he's made FOUR Spy Kids movies, the epically-underwhelming Sin City and something called The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3D.  Such a visionary...

Renee Zellweger-  Remember when your Mom used to tell you to stop making that face because it might stick that way?  Zellweger is proof she was right. 

Janis Joplin- She probably should've used some of that heroin money on a hair brush.

Baylor's New Commode.

Great work, cuppycup.  Whoever you are.  

WHAT A DICK! The Longhorn Network Edition.

DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!  That poor girl.  That poor, poor girl.  Doesn't even have a chance!  "Mack Brown would tell it again..." Oh yeah, little lady?  You know what else Mack Brown would do?  He'd sneak into your room after your parents were asleep and devour your soul with his butter teeth.  He'd nab top recruiting class after top recruiting class and win five games with them.  He'd turn Colt McCoy into a deity and lead an entire generation of unspoiled youths into believing he's some sort of heterosexual hero.    He'd sign Garrett Gilbert, thus boosting his perceived talent level because that's how Rivals works which would then give SMU false hopes based on a pay-for-ratings internet publication.  The only thing worse than SMU with real hope is SMU with false hope, because they bugger you about it so much more.  Mack would start his own network and then not have any major service providers pick it up, making it one of the biggest media flops in recent memory.... actually, that's pretty great, scratch that.  Worst of all, though, Mack would make me root for USC.  USC!!  A program by all merits more evil than Texas, yet I still cheered my ass off for them in 2005.  WHY MUST YOU DESTROY MY MORALS?!?!

Seriously, read the comments for the vidja on youtube.  It's fucking NAUSEATING. T-shirt fans, unite! A few of them do their own retelling.  It's like "50 Shades of Vince Young."  You can practically see those folks typing one handed.  Vomit.  I hate the Longhorn Network.

Seriously, ESPN exec who greenlit the LHN.  What a dick!

Morning Dump

Big 12 stuff:

TCU has Big 12 Celebration planned for June 30-July 1 at Billy Bob's

Comparing WVU and TCU's entrances into the Big 12 The Daily Athenaeum


Schedule analysis: TCU Horned Frogs ESPN

Under the radar: TCU Horned Frogs ESPN


Frogs accept invitation to play in 2012 South Padre Island tournament

Other sports:

TCU long jumper Gipson ready to take leap at Olympic berth Star-Telegram

TCU middle-distance runner O'Brien named Academic All-American

TCU men's golf team could make a splash in the Big 12 Star-Telegram

Big 12 a natural fit for TCU women's golf, coach says Star-Telegram

The 3rd Annual Spit Blood Scramble is set for Saturday, August 25th.  Reserve your spot now!