David Koresh- The Face of Waco.
If you're familiar with this blog at all, you'd know I usually reserve this time in the week to give you some sort of players to watch, both offensively and defensively. This week, for several reasons, I'm choosing not to do that. After reading Sir Wesley's previous post with some of my old links in there, I thought I'd give it a throwback to my old, hateful ways. Pretty sure the readership has grown immensely since then and some of you might frown upon the things I say in the coming paragraphs, but I don't care. Consider this your warning. I fucking hate Baylor and by the end of this tirade you're going to know it. You want players to watch? Watch WR Terrance Williams, as well as the rest of their uber-talented receiving corps. Their offense goes as they go. Defensively, Baylor sucks worse than anyone in the country and has for years now, so I honestly couldn't come up with a defensive player to watch who is decent enough to crack the 2-deep at any other Big 12 school (yes, even Kansas). I think Baylor defensive coordinator Phil Bennett must know that Art Briles is Petrino-ing his secretary or something because there's no way that such an incompetent hack like that should even be employed at the high school level. The other reason I didn't feel like doing a players to watch this week is because I'd rather focus my attention elsewhere, and in case my tone thus far hasn't indicated what my intentions are somehow, then let me just tell you. I'm going to hate on Baylor for a few paragraphs. I plan on making fun of their football team, their culture, the fact that they get caught cheating...in women's basketball, their stadium, etc, etc, etc. Nothing is off limits.
I'll start simple. Baylor football. Seriously Baylor? You win one Alamo Bowl and get a whopping 10 wins and suddenly you think you're God's gift to football? As mentioned before, your defense is more helpless than Jerry Sandusky's. I'd be willing to bet that Ray Charles could complete a deep ball to Stevie Wonder while Christopher Reeve picked up the blitz against your defense. Phil Bennett. Waco hasn't seen a leader of men as terrible as you since David Koresh. Seriously though, Art Briles has to have at least considered Janet Reno-ing you all and locking you in the film room and torching it. It would be an upgrade over the current product you're putting on the field. Oh, but you're offense is just the greatest thing ever, right? Yeah, you can score with anybody! Guess what, when you barely beat Louisiana Monroe and West Virginia scores 70 on you, it doesn't matter how much you score because any team that can make a couple of stops is going to win. I fully expect TCU, injury/rehab depleted TCU, to drop 50 on you (assuming we protect the ball). Try to keep up Baylor, because it's the only way you're going to win any games going forward this season. Not impressed.
Now let's get to that Crap-factory they call a stadium. Man, the old Amon G. Carter was not nice. Not nice by any stretch of the imagination, but Floyd Casey Stadium made it look like the Taj Mahal. Who was the brilliant crew of Baptists that thought to themselves "yeah, let's build this wretched piece of shit stadium about 5 miles south of campus in the most low rent area we can possibly find. Oh, and just to really spice things up, let's build it smack dab in the middle of a grassy field that reeks of cow shit and becomes a mud pit when enough people walk on it". If you think our attendance is bad, always remember this: BAYLOR HAS TO TARP OFF THEIR ENDZONE SEATS BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FILL THEIR STADIUM. If you're foolish enough to be friends with anyone from Baylor, don't ever, EVER let them talk attendance shit to you. They can't fill their stadium up either, and we don't hide our shame behind a big purple tarp that screams mediocrity.
So let's say you actually have traipsed through the shitty dirt field and into the atrocity that is Floyd Casey stadium for the game or plan on doing so Saturday evening. What can you expect? You can expect the understaffed, underprepared concessions to run out of water towards the end of the first quarter and then try to sell you a fucking Pizza Hut personal pizza instead (no, seriously, this actually happened). As far as the game time experience? Well you know how TCU does that very charitable, community friendly thing where it let's the Purple People Seaters or whatever it is run out on the field with the team? Well, Baylor does something similar to that, except they let ALL THE FRESHMEN RUN ON THE FIELD WITH THE TEAM! Baylor, the only place in the world where being a Freshman is celebrated? If it's not embarrassing enough that those pizza faced twerps run out there with finely tuned athletes (the opposing team at least), they put them all in these ridiculous and hideous yellow jerseys to make them stand out like the bunch of assholes that they are...
I mean seriously, is there anything more intimidating than a bunch of acne-faced virgins in baby shit yellow jerseys locking arms and screaming until their voices crack? The answer is yes, and it's everything. And lastly, since the plethora of celibate straight edges can't make enough authentic crowd noise to make it hard on the opponents, they pipe in "Black Betty" at full blast over the loud speakers while the opposing offense attempts to run their offense. I mean I'm sure it's not illegal, but it sure seems like a pretty bush league tactic to me to have to artificially pipe in noise.
Basketball. A point of pride at Baylor.
Alright, enough with the football team. Remember when Baylor basketball had a murder scandal and tried to make it out to be a drug deal gone bad? People don't forget, Baylor. So the logical thing to do would be to clean up your program and start on the straight and narrow path, right? Well, not Baylor. First, Lacedarius Dunn, their star shooting guard, decided to beat his girlfriend's face in, literally, and break her jaw, so that's classy. So surely he had a pretty hearty suspension coming, right? No, try 3 games. 3 GAMES FOR BREAKING HIS GIRLFRIEND'S JAW! Say what you will about CGP and the Pachall situation, but I guarantee if any of our players break a girl's jaw we will not see them on the field again for TCU. Apparently it was a "team rules violation" that earned him his suspension, not the fact that he's a horrible piece of shit human being suspension.
If that wasn't bad enough, less than 10 years after Dave Bliss and Baylor hoops told the country they were pro-murder, they're right back on probation in basketball for 3 years for impermissible text messages and phone calls. So if someone is ridiculous enough to try and tout Baylor's Elite 8 appearances or even their women's hoops title, just remind them that it'll probably all get Memphis'd here soon enough. I think this is just the tip of the iceberg. So congrats to Baylor on winnings a women's basketball national championship with Robert Griffin's overgrown clone as your center. Congratulations, even though the whole world knows you cheated at fringe sports which is probably the most embarrassing aspect of that whole ordeal. At least SMU cheated in something that mattered. Baylor is so miserable that they even suck at cheating.
At this point I'm pretty tired of making fun of Baylor athletics, although I'll remind you that their baseball team did have some infamous kitten murderers on their roster back in the early 2000's. I'd like to spend a little more time making fun of the Baylor culture for a little while. Actually, I don't even have to say much. I'll just share a couple YouTube Baylor sensations with you and let you make your own assessments about the way of life in Waco.
Yes, those are Baylor fraternity members. FIJI's to be exact. Don't make judgments on the FIJI's alone though. A quick YouTube search shows me that several, if not all fraternities participate in this incredible joint coming out of the closet session known as "Baylor Sing". If I were forced to dress like a sailor and parade around in front of a paper mache submarine in order to be in a fraternity at TCU, I think I'd pass.
You know who was undoubtedly a star of his classes "Baylor Sing" production? This fucking guy...
I'm tired of hating on Baylor. I don't know what the outcome of Saturday's game will be but I have high hopes that this team will rally around Trevone Boykin and make things happen, especially against a defense as inept as Baylor's. Regardless of the result though, just always know that at the end of the day, you support a program that has won national championships, a BCS bowl, doesn't get busted for cheating twice in a decade, doesn't condone the breaking of women's jaws, doesn't force their males into performing showtunes, hasn't covered up a murder and portrayed it as a drug deal gone bad, and most importantly, you didn't spend the peak years of your life living in Waco, TX, the asshole of the state. Go Frogs, and Baylor will always be the laughing stock of the state of Texas and the Big 12.