Friday, October 12, 2012

Baylor Hate


David Koresh- The Face of Waco.

If you're familiar with this blog at all, you'd know I usually reserve this time in the week to give you some sort of players to watch, both offensively and defensively.  This week, for several reasons, I'm choosing not to do that.  After reading Sir Wesley's previous post with some of my old links in there, I thought I'd give it a throwback to my old, hateful ways.  Pretty sure the readership has grown immensely since then and some of you might frown upon the things I say in the coming paragraphs, but I don't care.  Consider this your warning.  I fucking hate Baylor and by the end of this tirade you're going to know it.  You want players to watch?  Watch WR Terrance Williams, as well as the rest of their uber-talented receiving corps.  Their offense goes as they go.  Defensively, Baylor sucks worse than anyone in the country and has for years now, so I honestly couldn't come up with a defensive player to watch who is decent enough to crack the 2-deep at any other Big 12 school (yes, even Kansas).  I think Baylor defensive coordinator Phil Bennett must know that Art Briles is Petrino-ing his secretary or something because there's no way that such an incompetent hack like that should even be employed at the high school level.  The other reason I didn't feel like doing a players to watch this week is because I'd rather focus my attention elsewhere, and in case my tone thus far hasn't indicated what my intentions are somehow, then let me just tell you.  I'm going to hate on Baylor for a few paragraphs.  I plan on making fun of their football team, their culture, the fact that they get caught cheating...in women's basketball, their stadium, etc, etc, etc.  Nothing is off limits.

I'll start simple.  Baylor football.  Seriously Baylor?  You win one Alamo Bowl and get a whopping 10 wins and suddenly you think you're God's gift to football?  As mentioned before, your defense is more helpless than Jerry Sandusky's.  I'd be willing to bet that Ray Charles could complete a deep ball to Stevie Wonder while Christopher Reeve picked up the blitz against your defense.  Phil Bennett.  Waco hasn't seen a leader of men as terrible as you since David Koresh.  Seriously though, Art Briles has to have at least considered Janet Reno-ing you all and locking you in the film room and torching it.  It would be an upgrade over the current product you're putting on the field.  Oh, but you're offense is just the greatest thing ever, right?  Yeah, you can score with anybody!  Guess what, when you barely beat Louisiana Monroe and West Virginia scores 70 on you, it doesn't matter how much you score because any team that can make a couple of stops is going to win.  I fully expect TCU, injury/rehab depleted TCU, to drop 50 on you (assuming we protect the ball).  Try to keep up Baylor, because it's the only way you're going to win any games going forward this season.  Not impressed.

Now let's get to that Crap-factory they call a stadium.  Man, the old Amon G. Carter was not nice.  Not nice by any stretch of the imagination, but Floyd Casey Stadium made it look like the Taj Mahal.  Who was the brilliant crew of Baptists that thought to themselves "yeah, let's build this wretched piece of shit stadium about 5 miles south of campus in the most low rent area we can possibly find.  Oh, and just to really spice things up, let's build it smack dab in the middle of a grassy field that reeks of cow shit and becomes a mud pit when enough people walk on it".  If you think our attendance is bad, always remember this:  BAYLOR HAS TO TARP OFF THEIR ENDZONE SEATS BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FILL THEIR STADIUM.  If you're foolish enough to be friends with anyone from Baylor, don't ever, EVER let them talk attendance shit to you.  They can't fill their stadium up either, and we don't hide our shame behind a big purple tarp that screams mediocrity.

So let's say you actually have traipsed through the shitty dirt field and into the atrocity that is Floyd Casey stadium for the game or plan on doing so Saturday evening.  What can you expect?  You can expect the understaffed, underprepared concessions to run out of water towards the end of the first quarter and then try to sell you a fucking Pizza Hut personal pizza instead (no, seriously, this actually happened).  As far as the game time experience?  Well you know how TCU does that very charitable, community friendly thing where it let's the Purple People Seaters or whatever it is run out on the field with the team? Well, Baylor does something similar to that, except they let ALL THE FRESHMEN RUN ON THE FIELD WITH THE TEAM!  Baylor, the only place in the world where being a Freshman is celebrated?  If it's not embarrassing enough that those pizza faced twerps run out there with finely tuned athletes (the opposing team at least), they put them all in these ridiculous and hideous yellow jerseys to make them stand out like the bunch of assholes that they are...


I mean seriously, is there anything more intimidating than a bunch of acne-faced virgins in baby shit yellow jerseys locking arms and screaming until their voices crack?  The answer is yes, and it's everything.  And lastly, since the plethora of celibate straight edges can't make enough authentic crowd noise to make it hard on the opponents, they pipe in "Black Betty" at full blast over the loud speakers while the opposing offense attempts to run their offense.  I mean I'm sure it's not illegal, but it sure seems like a pretty bush league tactic to me to have to artificially pipe in noise.  


Basketball.  A point of pride at Baylor.  

Alright, enough with the football team.  Remember when Baylor basketball had a murder scandal and tried to make it out to be a drug deal gone bad?  People don't forget, Baylor.  So the logical thing to do would be to clean up your program and start on the straight and narrow path, right?  Well, not Baylor.  First, Lacedarius Dunn, their star shooting guard, decided to beat his girlfriend's face in, literally, and break her jaw, so that's classy.  So surely he had a pretty hearty suspension coming, right?  No, try 3 games.  3 GAMES FOR BREAKING HIS GIRLFRIEND'S JAW!  Say what you will about CGP and the Pachall situation, but I guarantee if any of our players break a girl's jaw we will not see them on the field again for TCU.  Apparently it was a "team rules violation" that earned him his suspension, not the fact that he's a horrible piece of shit human being suspension.

If that wasn't bad enough, less than 10 years after Dave Bliss and Baylor hoops told the country they were pro-murder, they're right back on probation in basketball for 3 years for impermissible text messages and phone calls.  So if someone is ridiculous enough to try and tout Baylor's Elite 8 appearances or even their women's hoops title, just remind them that it'll probably all get Memphis'd here soon enough.  I think this is just the tip of the iceberg.  So congrats to Baylor on winnings a women's basketball national championship with Robert Griffin's overgrown clone as your center.  Congratulations, even though the whole world knows you cheated at fringe sports which is probably the most embarrassing aspect of that whole ordeal.  At least SMU cheated in something that mattered.  Baylor is so miserable that they even suck at cheating.

At this point I'm pretty tired of making fun of Baylor athletics, although I'll remind you that their baseball team did have some infamous kitten murderers on their roster back in the early 2000's.  I'd like to spend a little more time making fun of the Baylor culture for a little while.  Actually, I don't even have to say much.  I'll just share a couple YouTube Baylor sensations with you and let you make your own assessments about the way of life in Waco.


Yes, those are Baylor fraternity members.  FIJI's to be exact.  Don't make judgments on the FIJI's alone though.  A quick YouTube search shows me that several, if not all fraternities participate in this incredible joint coming out of the closet session known as "Baylor Sing".  If I were forced to dress like a sailor and parade around in front of a paper mache submarine in order to be in a fraternity at TCU, I think I'd pass.  

You know who was undoubtedly a star of his classes "Baylor Sing" production?  This fucking guy...





I'm tired of hating on Baylor.  I don't know what the outcome of Saturday's game will be but I have high hopes that this team will rally around Trevone Boykin and make things happen, especially against a defense as inept as Baylor's.  Regardless of the result though, just always know that at the end of the day, you support a program that has won national championships, a BCS bowl, doesn't get busted for cheating twice in a decade, doesn't condone the breaking of women's jaws, doesn't force their males into performing showtunes, hasn't covered up a murder and portrayed it as a drug deal gone bad, and most importantly, you didn't spend the peak years of your life living in Waco, TX, the asshole of the state.  Go Frogs, and Baylor will always be the laughing stock of the state of Texas and the Big 12.

26 comments:

RollsBoyce82 said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhTiJEYqqY8

Cowtown Food Junkie said...

Excellent post as always, but after the abomination that was the TCU " Call Me Maybe" YouTube video I don't think we can really make fun of other schools for embarrassing YouTube videos.

SnK said...

We have 1, and it's a stupid orientation video. They have a ton of them, and the Baylor Sing deal appears to be the entire Greek system. Also, you can find awful Call Me Maybe videos from just about anywhere.

LOLfolding said...

Everytime I see a picture of those assholes on the Baylor Line I want to punch someone. It's unbelievable that kids actually want to go to school there and do that.

Miami Dolphins put out a decent "Call Me Maybe" but other than that, yeah, terrible.

ShowMeFrog said...

"I mean seriously, is there anything more intimidating than a bunch of acne-faced virgins in baby shit yellow jerseys locking arms and screaming until their voices crack?" Bra.....vo.

Sir Wesley Willis said...

Great work. I really do miss the old days of spitblood when we had 5 readers and could say extremely outlandish things. My back catalog is stunning in its politically incorrectness.

BWP said...

Bro, insecure much? This post only puts an exclamation mark on the national perception that TCU is the girl who constantly needs affirmation from her friends that she is not getting fat. And after one loss. Incredible.

Seriously, SnK, your long winded attempts at witty blogedom are laughable. If you ever try again, just know that less is more (with your 8th grade sentence structure, lengthy rants only amplify your inability to make a thought provoking point). It's ok, you tried blogging, but now you know that it's not for you, so you can go back to managing the J-Crew in Bedford full time. Oh and take Melissa with you. Nobody likes chicks that talk about sports at length. Like her real life conversations probably consist of breaking down the 3-4 vs. the 4-3. Gross. No, Melissa, I don't want to hear your thoughts on how to run a proper post pattern. That's weird. Everyone knows girls are supposed to root for the team that wears her favorite colors. It's cute. It's innocent. It's natural. Time to quit playing boy sweetheart. Let the men talk about all things slot receiver. Now get back in the kitchen, oh, and bring me a beer.

GO BEARS

SnK said...

Thanks for reading, and the point was to be laughable. Clearly you didn't get that. And was one thing I said in there inaccurate? Didn't think so. As far as your fat girl analogy- Baylor was born fat and has been picked on for it since birth. Try again, troll.

SnK said...

Baylor people drink beer? And as far as your sexist comments go, that's to be expected from you since L Dunn shows the Baylor propensity to physically and verbally assault women. Stay classy, and don't call me bro.

general125 said...

Great hate, this is why I started reading spit blood.

JHale said...

BWP, you mad bro? How about you sing me a song that you rehearsed with your "bros"... k thanks.

Sir Wesley Willis said...

Thanks for reading, BWP - your opinions put literal cents into the writers pockets.

BuckNasty said...

Fort Worth magazine thinks SnK is a pretty good blogger.

johnjesse2122 said...

I know my good friends here at spitblood can appreciate a good ribbing, (the JCrew thing was pretty solid). But it's faggets like that guy that compel me to respond. Here are some reasons why I, and others, hate Gaylor.

1. The city of wacko. There aren't many places in this world that most folks haven't been to but they know it sucks, and if they have been they were guaranteed to have a bad time. Kinda like Auschwitz?

2. Famous football alumni. Mike "the only person in the world who can't win with Vernon Davis" Singletary, and bob griffen. By the way, I do know that the majority of wackos are cowboys fans. How does it feel to have your star college player go all benedict arnold on you and play for the redskins? Eat a dick and die. I'm so glad I get to cheer against him for the rest of his career.

3. Murder and domestic abuse. While Virginia is king, gaylor is no slouch. What can be said about baylor that hasn't already been said about Phil Spector.

4. Success. It must be nice to be able to brag about winning the alamo bowl against washington. Maybe it's just me, but not winning my conference with the best team in school history would piss me off. So would losing to Okie Lite by 50. "But wait," says the baylor fan, "we went to the elite 8 a couple of times. Hooray basketball." Easy son, kentucky beat the shit out of the best team in baylor history (with freshmen). Then there's women's basketb... lol.

Really the list goes on and on. But don't come on our blog and attack the women BRO. Stick to what you do best, covering up murders, passing out in drive thrus, punching your own women in the face, and religious cults. You and your boyfriend can talk about "all things slot receiver," the rest of us will stick to football related conversations. Thanks.

Post script.

I would talk to Michele Beadles all day about whatever sport she wants. Because i am truly, deeply, in love.


SnK said...

The JCrew/Bedford dig would've been solid if it was even remotely close to true. The only time I ever go to Bedford is on my way to DFW Airport for lavish vacations that my job that pays better than JCrew allow me to take.

johnjesse2122 said...

I know it wasn't true SnK. I assume you didn't get your degree in art history. I was merely trying to point out that ya'll can take a joke. Even from a lowlife dbag like that guy.

SnK said...

Can't you tell from the post that I have no sense of humor?

Reed said...

Wow fuck BWP, although you probably did just burst his bubble considering this article is absolutely perfect and devastating. All he had against you is sentence structure and talking down to women. Well done, bro


This I too miss the old SB days SWW, can yall not get Lyle back every once and awhile for some lessons in hate?

Travis said...

I was in a TCU fraternity, and I would have preferred as a pledge to be forced to do the "elephant walk" than that stupid Baylor "Sing". It would have felt less homosexual and more dignified!

Sir Wesley Willis said...

Heeeeeey now! The lessons in hate are my thing! Accurate, insightful, well crafted posting was lyles

Melissa Triebwasser said...

Maybe instead of ripping me you should see if your coach will put me on staff. Don't be jealous that you can't keep up with me, you lonely little boy. Glad Baylor is back in it's comfort zone of suck. Go Frogs and you go home. Alone.

spoiledguineafrog said...

BWP = delusions of grandeur.

I would love it if you included his inane ramblings in this week's edition of Sour Grapes.

cmm91 said...

Dear SnK,
Why did you take down your "Tech Hate" blog? I read it before the game, and I wanted to read it after the game as well... Funniest thing I've ever read!
Why on earth would you take it down? Please REPOST!

Chandler Lucius said...

This made me laugh, however Baylor is raging the nation in football now. But they do still sing at every function possible. I went to Baylor, I hate fraternities. And yes, we drink beer, lots.

Unknown said...

http://espn.go.com/espn/otl/story/_/id/14675790/baylor-officials-accused-failing-investigate-sexual-assaults-fully-adequately-providing-support-alleged-victims

Ron Jones said...

http://espn.go.com/espn/otl/story/_/id/14675790/baylor-officials-accused-failing-investigate-sexual-assaults-fully-adequately-providing-support-alleged-victims