Chip Brown's DWI mugshot. No, seriously.
Chip Brown, the Orangebloods writer who gained national notoriety for inaccurately predicting the fate of UT during conference realignment over and over again (how's that Pac-16 super conference workin' out, douche?), took to OB to give his take on the upcoming Big 12 season. Orangebloods is obviously a paid site, and I obviously am not a paying member, but I got my hands on his breakdown of the Big 12 this year. Also, I'm not willing to pay to read his garbage and none of you should have to either (until he sends a cease and desist letter, in which case this post will be taken down, but the crybaby letter will be made public). I'm sorry I can't just link you the website (again, it's a paid site), but instead you'll have to read through what he had to say, and once you finish, feel free to read as I break down his projections, then break him down as a human being. I'll put his writing in Burnt Orange, since clearly that's the color lens he sees things through. Also, I wouldn't want you to mistake what I say for the shit he types up. So without further adieu, here's the Chip Brown Big 12 prediction:
Predicted record: 10-2 (7-2)
Strengths: Defense, RBs
Weaknesses: QB, kicker
What has to go right: The quarterback play and offensive line have to improve, and Texas has to find someone to kick field goals.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Texas will have a really tough game in Stillwater on Sept. 29 because of Oklahoma State's veteran defense and ace P/KR - Quinn Sharp. But if Texas gets through that one with a win, I think the Horns will be tough enough to go into the Cotton Bowl and stare down the Sooners (and UT's demons from last year's 55-17 thrashing) and win. … It's the next week at home against Baylor that I see one of the Longhorns' two losses with the other loss coming at Kansas State to end the regular season with an outright Big 12 title on the line. Texas will still hold the tiebreaker with WVU because of a head-to-head win over the Mountaineers in Austin.
Predicted losses: Baylor, at Kansas State
1. WEST VIRGINIA
Predicted record: 10-2 (7-2)
Strengths: QB, WRs
Weaknesses: A defense that gave up 26.8 points per game last season.
What has to go right: The offensive line has to replace its left side, and the defense has to bow up against better competition in the Big 12 than it saw in the Big East.
FINAL ANALYSIS: West Virginia is going to outscore some people. WVU gets K-State, TCU and Oklahoma at home this season. Its toughest road games will be at Texas and Oklahoma State. So the schedule is manageable. I see WVU losing to Texas and at Oklahoma State in Big 12 play.
Predicted losses: at Texas, at Oklahoma State
Predicted record: 9-3 (6-3)
Strengths: QB, offensive line, special teams
Weaknesses: Defensive front four
What has to go right: Mike Stoops has to rebuild a defense that lost DEs Frank Alexander and Ronnell Lewis, LB Travis Lewis and CB Jamell Fleming. The receiving corps has to flourish with Kenny Stills, Trey Metoyer and Courtney Gardner, and RB Dominique Whaley needs to bounce back from off-season surgery.
FINAL ANALYSIS: I'm just not sold on OU's defense this year. I know Mike and Bob Stoops have had a lot of success together, but I'm just not sure the players are there in the defensive front four to create the kind of havoc against Big 12 offenses we are used to from OU. I could be dead wrong. But I see OU getting upset in Lubbock, where the Sooners haven't won since 2003, in one of my Big 12 upset specials of the year.
Predicted losses: at Texas Tech, Texas, at West Virginia
3. KANSAS STATE
Predicted record: 9-3 (6-3)
Strengths: QB Collin Klein, RB John Hubert, LB Arthur Brown, CB Nigel Malone, S Ty Zimmerman, KR Tyler Lockett
Weaknesses: Replacing three starters on the offensive line and two starters on the defensive line
What has to go right: Klein has to stay healthy, and the K-State, ball-control offense has to maintain its level of 2011 despite the new faces on the O-line.
FINAL ANALYSIS: K-State won eight of its 10 games last season by a TD or less and seemed to make/earn/get every break last season, including a late, come-from-behind victory over Baylor in Manhattan. I don't see K-State sneaking up on people this season. But their defense is good enough to stop some of the high-powered offenses in the Big 12, and the power running game is good enough to stomp some of the weaker defenses. And they always seem good enough (for whatever reason) to give Texas fits.
Predicted losses: at OU, at Iowa State, at West Virginia
Predicted record: 8-4 (5-4)
Strengths: WRs, RBs
Weaknesses: A defense that gave up 37.2 points per game last season
What has to go right: QB Nick Florence needs to be solid in replacing Robert Griffin III. The defense has to be better than it was.
FINAL ANALYSIS: I think Florence is going to be fine at QB, and I think the offense will still have success without RG3. The big question is if Baylor can stop anybody. But Briles has always gotten his teams to play with a chip on their shoulder, and I don't expect that to be any different in 2012. I see the Bears being a real tough out and even sneaking up on one or two teams in Big 12 play, including Texas, after the Longhorns come off a stretch in which I have UT winning at Ok State, home vs WVU and over OU in the Cotton Bowl.
Predicted losses: at West Virginia, at Iowa State, at OU, Kansas State
5. OKLAHOMA STATE
Predicted record: 8-4 (5-4)
Strengths: RBs, WR, P/KR, back seven of the defense
Weaknesses: Freshman QB, two new starters on the DL
What has to go right: Wes Lunt Jr. needs to be able to get off to a good start and manage Todd Monken's offense. The defense led the nation in turnovers forced last year (44) and needs to be ballhawks again this year.
FINAL ANALYSIS: The QB position is such a huge question mark for OSU that the season could go in any number of directions. It's not likely the defense will be able to replicate the magic it had last year in giving up big yards but forcing turnovers. Still with Quinn Sharp punting and kicking, OSU has a huge weapon on special teams and will be a really tough out.
Predicted losses: Texas, at Kansas State, at OU, at Baylor
Predicted record: 6-6 (3-6)
Strengths: QB, RBs, WRs
Weaknesses: Three new starters on the OL; depleted LB corps and three new starters in the secondary
What has to go right: Gary Patterson has to hope he's recruited well on defense, because that's where the February drug scandal (resulting in two defensive starters being dismissed, including LB Tanner Brock) really hurt the most.
FINAL ANALYSIS: I think there's too much for the TCU defense to overcome this season. That unit is a year away. As much as I like QB Casey Pachall, TCU's RBs and WRs Skye Dawson and Josh Boyce, I don't think the offense can carry the Horned Frogs. TCU also got the toughest finishing stretch in the Big 12: at Oklahoma State, at West Virginia, home vs K-State, at Texas and home vs OU.
Predicted losses: at Baylor, at Oklahoma State, at West Virginia, Kansas State, at Texas, OU
7. TEXAS TECH
Predicted record: 6-6 (3-6)
Strengths: QB Seth Doege, WR Eric Ward, RB Eric Stephens
Weaknesses: The defense
What has to go right: Tommy Tuberville needs his third defensive coordinator in three seasons (Art Kaufman) to repair a unit that gave up 39.3 points per game last season, among the worst in the nation. And Seth Doege, who threw for 28 touchdowns and 10 INTs in 2011, needs to find Eric Ward (84 catches, 800 yards, 11 TDs) a lot. Stephens, who is coming back from a torn ACL and MCL, needs to be 100 percent.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Even if Doege, Ward and Stephens are at their best, Tech's defense just seems to have too many holes to fill in a big way this season. It seems Tuberville's defensive rebuild requires this season and next season. The question might be, though, if six wins is enough for Tuberville to keep his job. Still, I think Tuberville pulls off the upset of OU for a second straight season because Lubbock ? like Manhattan, Kan., for Texas ? is the Bermuda Triangle for the Sooners.
Predicted losses: West Virginia, at TCU, at K-State, Texas, at Oklahoma State, Baylor.
9. IOWA STATE
Predicted record: 5-7 (3-6)
Strengths: LBs Jake Knott and A.J. Klein; An offense that returns 2 QBs with starting experience; top rusher James White and three of its top four receivers.
Weaknesses: Uncertainty at QB and kicker
What has to go right: The defense has to be lights out for Iowa State to rise up and improve on its six wins from last season and Pinstripe Bowl appearance. The QB (I'll take Jared Barnett, who beat Oklahoma State last year, over Steele Jantz), has to take a big step forward.
FINAL ANALYSIS: The Cyclones just seem to lack the explosive playmakers on offense to win on a consistent basis in the Big 12. The defense will make life miserable for some, including two of my upset specials: the Cyclones taking down Kansas State and Baylor this season.
Predicted losses: at Iowa, Texas Tech, at TCU, at Oklahoma State, OU, at Texas, West Virginia
(I was tempted to pick an Iowa State upset against West Virginia in Ames, the week after I have WVU beating OU. But I couldn't pull the trigger. Still, I'd have WVU on upset alert in Ames on Nov. 24.)
Predicted record: 3-9 (0-9)
Strengths: QB Dayne Crist; DE Tobern Opurum
What has to go right: The offense of Charlie Weis and defense of Dave Campo have to buy into a winning culture. If that can happen in Year 1, then the stage will be set for improvement in Year 2.
FINAL ANALYSIS: I'm just not sure there's enough of those winning attitudes left over from last year, when Turner Gill's team simply gave up in several games, giving up a nation's-worst 43.8 points per game.
Predicted losses: All of them except South Dakota State, Rice and at Northern Illinois.
This post was edited on 8/1 5:31 AM by ChipBrown
Okay, I hope nobody broke their computer screen, threw anything across their office, or kicked their dog. Let me just begin by saying this: I don't even know what offends me more, 6-6 TCU or the fact that this homer Mack Brown sackrider thinks Texas has what it takes to pull off a 10-2 season despite having two quarterbacks that couldn't start for most area high school teams. Also, he says 10-2 and has the losses being to Baylor and K State? Let me tell you something, Chip- if you lose to Baylor and K State, you're not going to beat OU, West Virginia, and TCU. Did you throw 2 darts at the schedule and that's what teams they landed on? I guess it would've been a little too transparently homerific for you to suggest a 12-0 season, but we all know that's exactly what your tingly burnt orange vagina wants/thinks will happen. Seriously, Chip, just die.
Now let me get to his TCU assessment. I've waited until this point to remind you all that CHIP BROWN WENT TO SMU. Now many of you are saying to yourselves "ohhhh, I get it now", but let's not lose sight of the real issue here. CHIP BROWN WENT TO SMU AND IS A UT HOMER! That doesn't even make sense. I mean, yes, every school has their UT T-shirt fan base (I'm looking at you too, TCU fans), but probably no school has a higher percentage of their student body/alumni that are bigger fans of UT than their school than SMU. I get that it's hard to root for a perennial loser which SMU has been for decades and was before they cheated their way to 0 national championships in the '80s, but come on Chip. At least attempt to show some objectivity as a "journalist". I've seen tons of assessments this offseason, and your 6-6 for TCU is the worst outcome I've seen for TCU by a longshot, and your 10-2 for Texas is towards the high end on that as well. Do you really think a team as talented as TCU with a coach as great as Gary Patterson is going to end the season losing 5 straight? Child please. This ain't your 2010 Longhorns, Chip. We won't be dropping 5 straight conference games. And Baylor, do you REALLY think we lose to Baylor again? They lost their QB (can't remember his name), and Kendall Wright and Terrance Gannaway to the NFL. So they've got plenty to replace on offense and a defense that was ranked over 100th nationally last year. How do they plan to beat people? Expect Baylor to be Baylor, unless you're Chip, who like some sort of moron thinks they will beat TCU and Texas.
I'm not saying I think TCU will go undefeated. I think we will lose a couple of games. It's going to be tough. However, 6 losses and 5 straight to close out the season? Kiss my ass, Chip. And that Thanksgiving game against UT doesn't intimidate like it once would have. I'm sure at that point in the season UT will have mailed it in under Mack the Motivator and the UT crowd doesn't exactly have a reputation for being raucous and inspiring. I'm pretty sure if you stand up anywhere outside of the students section, some old fuck will jab you in the back with his cane while his wife maces you. Cheering loudly is more frowned upon there than it was in Section V. Not to mention, the buses back to the old folk's home usually leave around the start of the 3rd quarter in order to get home in time to watch reruns of Golden Girls, play bingo and be in bed by 9, so there's always a lot of vacancy in that stadium in the second half. Not to mention, all of the Austin Community College and UTSA students that pack the stadium usually leave around halftime as well so they can break into a few cars to pay for next week's drugs/ticket/wal-mart starter jacket. On second thought, people might be leaving because, you know, they suck at football and nobody wants to watch Case McCoy strain his rotator cuff trying to throw a bubble screen to Jordan Shipley's little brother, who probably bang each other just like their brothers do.
How does SMU GRAD CHIP BROWN have all of this time on his hands to so accurately decipher and predict the Big 12, you ask? Well, he was recently fired from his radio gig at 104.9 "The Horn". If you suck so bad at radio that people would rather hear replays of "The Herd" or listen to former UT basketball benchwarmer J.D. Lewis than you, then you must REALLY suck at radio. Hell, even Nate Newton still has a radio gig, and I'm pretty sure he can't even spell radio (he did, however, have a kid miraculously smart enough to go to UT...). Hell, I thought Chip, the SMU grad, was so tight with Mack and DeLoss Dodds that he was untouchable (they aren't though. Not to him, if you get my drift). If the AD can't save your job on "The Horn" then maybe you aren't nearly as important as you or your loyal gaggle of OB followers think you are. Or maybe his listeners just got really turned off by the slurping and groaning that they heard in the background during his show, because we all know what Chip Brown, who went to SMU, is doing when he's not talking. Let's just say he's keeping Mack and DeLoss a lot more satisfied than the current state of UT athletics.
And that's our first tidbit of UT hate this season, with a little dash of SMU in there as well. I'm sure there will be plenty more to come. Also, if anyone wants to bash Chip Brown further for his idiocy, his twitter handle is @ChipBrownOB. However, considering how big of a media/attention whore that guy is, he'd probably enjoy seeing all of this animosity come his way, so I'm not quite sure if I encourage it or not. Also, oddly enough for a guy who loves the attention, Chip Brown does not have a wikipedia page. I'm sure he takes it down every once in a while to avoid reading all of the negative comments about himself. Well, this post should take care of that. Anyways, die Chip Brown. Just die.