Monday, August 20, 2012

Congratulations, Cole Beasley!


Craig says this is WAY worse than what he did...

Well, if's official:  ex-SMU and current Dallas Cowboys Wideout Cole Beasley is with child!  Details are sketchy on the identity of the father, but its rumored that while current SMU backup QB Kyle Padron's performance dropped off ON the field, this was not the case in the bedroom where apparently his boys have run for the ultimate touchdown celebration.  A due date has not yet been announced, but the little bundle of joy is expected to arrive shortly after SMU sits at home during bowl season.  Seeing as how Padron is expected to be the stay at home dad, the sooner he is able to start fluffing the nest and picking out paint colors, the better.

Rumors of Beasley's condition began swirling early in Cowboys training camp when the receiver left the team for "personal reasons," questioning whether or not he wanted to play football at all, only to return shortly thereafter.  It was initially rumored that Beasley, wary of his lifetime statistics of 2 catches for 20 yards against TCU, the only team of substance SMU played on a regular basis, questioned his role at the next level due to lack of experience against top notch competition.  Not so, says a source, it was simply mood swing brought on by those doggone hormones.   From second hand experience I can tell you that mood swing are a critical part of the human-baking process, so Beasley really can't be solely blamed for his actions.  Still, mum was the word on Beasley's growing family as he remained in the mix for the 3rd WR role behind Miles Austin and Dez Bryant, drawing the eye of Jerry Jones, the worst general manager in all of sports.

But then came this chance on-camera occurrence from Saturday's game against San Diego, and all denials were put to rest.





Beasley claims that he simply fell on the football wrong and that was the cause of the vomiting, but I think we all know the culprit:  Morning sickness.  "But wait, it was well after 10PM by the time time this .gif was captured - that's not exactly the morning, is it?" Despite knowing that pregnancy sickness is not always confined to the pre-dawn hours, I had the same concerns.  However, when reached for comment, Beasley had the following to say:  "You'll probably see me throw up a lot more.  I throw up a lot before the game, too."  The Cowboys play 7 games at noon and 5 more at 3, which would have Beasley at the facility WELL before the clock rolls over to PM should he make the 53 man roster.  Sneaky!  Don't worry, Cole, your friends at Spitblood will keep your secret until you're ready for an official announcement.  Just a warning, though - you may be ostracized at the alma mater for your choice of lifestyle, so I recommend going incognito when cruising Hillcrest until SMU refuses to solely admit hate mongers.

Until then, everyone please congratulate Cole and Kyle on their little miracle while I search for a team to root for that doesn't indefinitely employ Tony Romo and have an undrafted rookie white receiver out of SMU that stands 5'8" and 177 pounds as the third best receiver on their team.

7 comments:

Travis said...

Normally I would be rooting for a 5'8 177lb white boy receiver, but the smu part prevents that in this case. "morning sickness" too funny!

Travis said...

Oh, please no more large photos of that Senate primary losing, hooker killer. Makes me nearly pull a "Cole Beasley" when I see him.

Geezer Frog said...

Now THAT was funny!!!!

Geezer Frog said...

Now THAT was funny!!!!

LOLfolding said...

Beasley has the college background, professional employer and general look of a guy who knows how to fall on balls without issue. Certainly the kind of guy who excels on the business side of a glory hole.

bedneezy said...

I've been a Bengals fan for the last year or so. I will be a cowboys fan when they dump Romo and bring down Dalton and Shipley. A man can dream...

LENEtown Fizzle said...

shipley got cut