Friday, July 27, 2012

Lessons in SMU Hate: Whores.

University Dr., apparently.

When you think of SMU, the two things that immediately come to mind are drugs and money, right?  The main reason SMU has been in the news the past few decades is for paying their "student athletes" and covering up on-campus drug related deaths, so the conclusions can be drawn.  We can all agree that everyone at SMU is a drug addict, it's just science.  But, after reading this story, perhaps the tales of wealth and prominence most SMU alumstout when comparing their school to TCU - a comically atrocious argument if there ever was one, and one that's not even accurate when you compare recent fund raising efforts - perhaps the downturn in the economy has hit our buddies in Highland Park even harder than we imagined?

As a disclaimer, I have absolutely no perspective on what it means to be a football player at the NCAA level, but I have my presumptions based on outside observations.  For one, you're able to buck fashion trends and wear elastic waistband pants and shorts and rubber sandals with socks without being judged by your peers.  This is unquestionably the thing I regret most about not being good enough at sports growing up to play on even the varsity level.  Ok, not ENTIRELY true - I played tennis in high school.  No one respects the kid in the "Longview Tennis" hooded sweatshirt and wind shorts, though.  

Another observation I made is that class participation is not required to receive a passing grade.  That's not to say the football players I've shared classes with were no shows like at North Carolina; let's just say their contributions to class discussion were, how should I put this... less than informative.  Considering the majority of them were right there with me the next semester in a class that was the logical advancement of the major, I feel I can draw the conclusion that, despite their worst efforts, they still passed.

But, perhaps the thing I notice most about athletes, and the one that fits the most stereotypes, is the fact that the better your position, the more girls will throw themselves all over you.  Let's face it - even Anson Kelton and Ross Evans were probably falling face first into tail that most of us didn't even know existed during our times at TCU, and they didn't even have to ply them with trashcan punch while giving the old, "I SWEAR there's not THAT much alcohol in this..." spiel.  And they were special teamers! And one was 270 pounds!  At the QB level?  Forget about it.  Look at Colt McCoy's wife.  Think he gets to feast on that sweater meat if he introduces himself as, "Colt from Tuscola" without getting to add, "and I'm the Quarterback of the University of Texas," to the end?  Child PLEASE.

That's how things presumably work at a real football school.  But despite SMU finally getting their "big break" and joining the Big East, it looks like they haven't QUITE made it to the upper levels of being a big time program, at least where the ladies are concerned.

Uchenna Nwabuike is a sophomore Linebacker at SMU, or at least he is at this very moment.  As a backup last year, Nwabuike saw action in 9 games, recorded 8 tackles and even registered a sack.  But apparently being a backup LB on the CUSA level does not entitle you to the trouser treasures that being a football player in a non-lol Conference would, so you have to work at it.  You see, young Uchenna needed the comfort that only a woman can provide, but seeing as how he was unable to parlay his football cachet into a trip to pound town, he took a detour.  Fortunately he didn't rape anyone, as has been the go-to at his school in the past.  No, Nwabuike decided he'd hire himself an escort and, if his story is true, he got himself a right bargain at $50 for access to her nethers.  Looks like little Nwabuike has become a real man after all!

Let's stop right there though and really think about this situation.  So, much like my understanding of the benefits of being an NCAA athlete, the only perspective I have of escorts comes from being an outside observer. I've been to Vegas enough times, with enough people, to understand how it works:  The nice lady in the short skirt and tall shoes hanging around the craps tables approaches you and, presuming there's mutual interest, let's you know how much it's going to cost for a pleasure filled evening and chlyamidia filled morning in her company.  If you like her price, you pay it; if you don't, she either walks away or gets you drunk enough to force her way into your room and robs you while you sleep.  So you could say the price is pretty firm either way; the fact that Nwabuike was able to negotiate certainly raises some red flags about the "integrity" of the young lady in question.  Without first hand experience I can't swear to the accuracy of the pricing structure of a streetwalker, but I grasp it's a LOT more than the $50 Nwabuike agreed on, so, you know, more red flags.  

But, the one thing I think we can all understand from watching movies is that if you don't pay the price, a 300 pound man with a bat shows up at your door at takes your kneecaps as retribution.  Or, again, the whore robs you, which is exactly what happened in this instance.  Rather than pay the young lady her $50, Nwabuike took his prize and told the young lady to hit the road... but not before she took $3000 worth of electronics from his house.  Believe it or not, police have not made this a high priority.

Let's back up, though.  $50!  We all went to college - 99% of a college male's attempts at love making come from getting sloppy drunk and seducing the lady in question at a party or bar with the least amount of effort as possible with things working out that 1% of the time.  Taking your female love interest on a date gives you a HUGE leg up on the competition and the results are usually better.  Not because you were rico suave, just because it's such a rarity, especially when you're a freshman or sophomore.  I'm not saying taking a college woman on a date guarantees coitus, I'm just saying it's a pretty easy way to increase your chances exponentially.  I mean, for $50 bucks you can find a young lady of questionable morals to take out to mediocre dinner and buy her enough $3 glasses of Ste. Genevieve to cause her to lose her inhibitions enough to go back to your bedroom.  And YOU get a meal out of it as well!  It's a win win!  The girl that comes home with you under those circumstances may not be of the quality you prefer, but keep in mind we're talking about the guy that brought home the $50 hooker, so I'm guessing quality wasn't the main factor in his decision.  I'm just saying, there was a way to avoid this situation altogether, even for an SMU football player. 

Damn... after typing that I REALLY hope I never have a daughter.

But, seriously, this whole thing happened because Nwabuike wouldn't cough up $50!  Are times so tough on the Hilltop that they can't even afford that kind of rock bottom rate for pleasure services?  College sports are a backwards enterprise, but maybe the need for player stipends is far more urgent than we imagined? And think of the hard working escorts!  Aren't they the true victims of the Death Penalty decision?  Back when Craig James and Eric Dickerson were taking kickbacks, they were probably paying literal hundreds of dollars for services rendered!  And that was in 80s dollars!  Adjusting for inflation, today's price of $50 was probably, what, $20 back then?  If Senator Craig found out he could've had tenfold the hookers back then, think of how many more would've been strangled?!  Actually, that's probably the only good part about the whole inflation/recession thing.  You're welcome for that propaganda, Obama Administration.    

$50! A few years back, SMU made headlines for raising a whole $10 million to hire June Jones; TCU just raised $165 million for football related improvements.  Maybe they really ARE poor?  Remember that when you're buying your tickets for TCU/SMU this year in Dallas.  Perhaps instead of making charitable donations in the 4th quarter of this year we should buy up all available seating and consider that our giving back to the less fortunate?  It's going to be a long, hard road, but with our help in filling their 32,000 person stadium, perhaps one day the whores working the corner of Hillcrest and Mockingbird can receive a whole $100 for their services. Ok, $75 - it's a recession economy, after all.

And that's today's Lesson in SMU Hate.  


Lyle Lanley said...

Apparently Craig James hasn't had much of an impact on the current crop of SMU footballers. If he had, that hooker wouldn't have been alive to rob this kid.

Sir Wesley Willis said...

Alternate post: Will Craig James distancing himself from SMU ironically lead to their downfall when the current athletes forget how to take out the trash?

SnK said...

CRAIG JAMES KILLED 5 HOOKERS WHILE AT SMU has a better ring to it than "Uchenna Nwabuike was robbed blind by a hooker he couldn't afford to pay because SMU doesn't pay em like they used to". Poor guy. I think I know who my player to watch post will feature come iron skillet week. Too easy.

Pedagogue said...

I assure you there is something fishy (other than the obvious) in this story. There has to drugs involved in this, cause a $50 escort is a BS excuse by a dumbass Schmoo "student" athlete. Plus who has $3000 of electronics but not $50 to pay a hooker?

I also heard from a reliable source, that Craig James killed 5 hookers while at SMU, is that true?

BuckNasty said...

Who leaves a hooker in their house alone unless they trust them? Maybe it was his sister?

SnK said...

Maybe he thought she was dead...