Friday, June 8, 2012

Big 12 Orientation: Baylor's famous alumni

I'm sure all of you know kids from your high school who went to Baylor, got engaged right after freshman orientation and married by the time they were even old enough to legally drink at George's, the most overrated drinking establishment in the world since Snookie's closed down. So even though you probably won't see them at future Baylor-TCU games because they're already on their 4th child, here are some famous faces to associate with the green and gold:

 Allen Stanford- Did you think that SMU had a monopoly on producing white-collar criminals?  Stanford, a 1974 Baylor grad who majored in finance, was convicted in March of frauding investors out of over $7 BILLION.  He's set to be sentenced next week...prosecutors are gunning for 230 years, while his defense team seems to think that releasing him immediately due to time served before, during and after his trial would be fitting. 

Jeff Dunham- Where would someone as untalented as Dunham get the idea that ventriloquism is still a viable form of art?  I don't know, maybe a school like Baylor that still teaches creationism.  

Crystal Bernard- Remember her on Wings?  Her career has really taken off since then...if you consider making a one-episode appearance on "According to Jim" to be really successful. 

Willie Nelson-  Like most Baylor students, Willie got married at 19.  He wisely recognized that going to college in Waco was like spending Christmas Eve with Annhog's (her?) family and got the fuck out of there after two years.  Most Baylor folks probably do not claim him as one of their own since, you know, he smokes weed and sings songs about rivers of whiskey.

Tom Horton- Don't recognize the name?  Horton, who holds degrees from both Baylor and SMU, is the current CEO of the shame of the Metroplex, American Airlines.  Don't let the unions push you over, don't charge people for checked luggage and have your employees not be complete assholes to the customers- it's not rocket science, but maybe Tom should use some to figure out how to not be paralyzed by fuel costs.

Jeff Ireland- This former Baylor placekicker, who once missed three field goals allowing the 20.5-point favorite Bears to lose by three to Rice in 1991, was head national scout and later Vice President of College and NFL Scouting for the Dallas Cowboys from 2001 to 2007.  He leveraged his role in the terrible player personnel decisions in one of the darker periods in Cowboy history into his current position as GM of the Miami Dolphins.  In the 16 years he's worked for the Chiefs, Cowboys and Dolphins, he has presided over exactly 0 playoff wins.

Ann Richards- Contrary to popular belief, the late Richards did not strong-arm UT and A&M into including her alma mater in the formation of the Big 12.  Remember that the Governor of Texas really doesn't hold all that much power, and especially not one that was only elected because her competitor, who was running away with the election, decided to make a joke about rape in front of a bunch of reporters. 

Angela Kinsey- Before she became Angela Martin on the American version of The Office, Kinsey was a chi-o at Baylor.  I wonder where she found the inspiration to play a cold, condescending, judgmental and uptight closet slut?

Trey Wingo-  I have nothing bad to say about Trey Wingo, except that I wish he could make football season get here sooner. 

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