Wyoming deserves a big "snow penis" on their field Saturday.
I, like just about every other TCU fan, came into this season expecting to completely curb stomp Wyoming into the ground per usual, and we might still do that. I actually thought it might be more of a beat-down than ever since their 9 year starting QB whose parents prefer hyphens and poor spelling, Austyn Carta-Samuels, would no longer be donning the poo-poo and pee-pee this fall. Seriously, I'd say there's about a 75% chance he was raised by a duo of lesbian art teachers somewhere in Northern California based solely on his name. So naturally, you would think things were looking pretty bleak up there in the hate crime capitol of the world. They were picked preseason to be 6th, just ahead of UNLV and of course, New Mexico, the worst program in the history of FBS football. Somehow they've managed to jump out to a 5-2 start though and are poised to make a bowl game this year (they still have New Mexico on the schedule, so there's #6). Freshman QB Brett Smith has guided their to some pretty impressive numbers this year, but they really hadn't beaten anyone all year, knocking off such powerhouses as Weber State, Bowling Green, the aforementioned dreadful UNLV team, and Texas State, who needs to be commended for being able to fight off all of their venereal diseases and play football every Saturday. But last Saturday Wyoming shook up the MWC hierarchy by defeating San Diego State, who seems to have really taken a step back without the guidance of Brady Hoke. So, all of those factors have caused me to take a step back and think this could be a little tougher than in previous years...
And then I saw Lyle's post regarding the weather report, and saw this nightmare when I looked it up on my own. I mean, there's cold, miserable weather, and then there's Saturday's forecast in Laramie. A high of 27 with 20 mph winds and a 70% chance of precipitation? Uhhh, fuckkkkkkk that. Our entire team is going to be dressed like Elvis Andrus on a semi-cold day. And 20 mph winds on top of a snowy, miserable day in a shit-hole like Laramie? I'll pass. If there's ever going to be a challenge to get up for a game, which starts at noon locally mind you, this is the one. I realize I'm no finely tuned college athlete, but I struggle to get out of my own bed when it's under 50 degrees in the morning. The Frogs will have to wake up in some dumpy hotel in Laramie at the ass crack of dawn when it's about 18 degrees and make their way to the stadium. I can't imagine a worse way to wake up than that.
If that doesn't all sound miserable enough, Wyoming's stadium, as mentioned earlier by Lyle as well, boasts the highest altitude of any FBS school (7,215 ft). So let's add all this up- we have a young team who has been playing in pretty much ideal temperatures for every game this year headed up to Laramie to play against a team looking to become bowl eligible and coming off one of their biggest wins in recent memory. On top of that, it's going to be in the 20's with 20 mph winds and snow, and we are playing in extremely high altitude, something I promise you many of our young players have never dealt with. I'm assuming most of our readers, being the elitist TCU grads that you are, have spent time in the Rockies and know how much a bitch that altitude can be. Now imagine playing football for 3.5 hours in it while a freezing wind and snow bitch slaps you in the face. No. Freaking. Thanks.
So by now some of you may be wondering how this is me hating on Wyoming at this point, and the truth is I'm really not. I'm hating weather. More specifically, I'm hating that weather in Laramie, Wyoming is going to force our young team will to play football in a town that's likely to be a covered by a couple feet of snow by gameday. Wyoming...how ridiculous. Don't you know that most of the world is warming up and early November blizzards are super gay and reserved only for a bunch of dickheads on the east coast to deal with? Seriously, we have athletes from Texas, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Florida (or used to), and other places that don't have to deal with shit like this in October and November. In the real states, like Texas, the moderate fall climates we deal with are perfect for football weather, which is probably why the best football in the country is played in the south. Elite college football players don't want to spend 6 weeks of their football season getting tackled on grass so frozen it skins your elbows. No talented player wants to play several games a year where they have more worried about whether or not their genitals will defrost in front of a fire after the game than catching passes and making tackles. Did you see the Big 10 this weekend? I think I saw like 3 of the ugliest football games of my entire life on Saturday, and it was ALL due to snowstorms and shitty weather. Well, that and the fact that Big 10 football players are less athletic than Joe Paterno himself. I worry that that may be the type of shit football we see Saturday afternoon, and of course, it's all to be blamed on weather and the fact that Wyoming as a whole just sucks beyond belief.
Having said all that, I still think we win handily. We will run all over them.