Sunday, September 18, 2011

5 possible replacements for Ross Evans

With the craptastic realignment news yesterday, we could use some amusement. Well, I could use some amusement so I'm going to pick on Ross Evans.

Okay, so... had enough yet? I mean, maybe we should lobby for a rule change (The Ross Evans Rule) where you get to double the points if you actually hit the uprights. Criminy, that's gotta be harder than actually kicking it BETWEEN the uprights... right?

Anyway, let's take a look at people that could come right in and do a better job. I mean, not counting anybody already on the team... Ross has most likely infected them with his bad mojo as well.

1. TCU Starting Goalkeeper Alicen Wright - Okay, since we don't have a Men's Soccer Team (c'mon CDC... just add Softball so we can get Men's Soccer back!) to poach from, we'll just have to go all "Necessary Roughness" and take one of the Women Soccer players. I realize that probably none of the Spitblood readers have ever seen her play, but she's a monster. She apparently hasn't even been 100% healthy (leg injury or something) but she can still give Ross a run for distance. Plus, from everything I've seen, she's a terrifying presence on and off the field. She could probably make Tanner Brock just a little nervous. She could probably put the fear of the deity of your choice into the opposing team so they'd be afraid to even act like they were going to try and block the kick, giving her plenty of time to set up her shot.

2. English National/ Liverpool Captain Steven Gerrard - This guy is highly regarded for his long kick accuracy. I mean, he can put that ball up and put it in the goal from all over the field. He'd probably find the goal post in American Football easy as hell since there isn't another guy directly in front of it to block the shot. I don't really know about NCAA eligibility, but he hasn't played a sport at a US college and he's never played pro football the way the Yanks play it, so why the hell not? Plus, with his long experience in futbol, he can probably do some really good dives to get roughing the kicker calls.

3. Chuck Norris - Do I really even need to explain this one? I mean, seriously. It's Chuck Freakin' Norris. Chuck Norris doesn't kick field goals, footballs launch themselves through uprights out of fear. Dude could probably kick a 100 yard FG in his boots and jeans. He could probably also solve our Cornerback issues. And he could just fling Tank Carder over the offensive line at the QB. And if Chuck is busy, get The Most Interesting Man in the World on the phone.

4. An Ostrich - An ostrich has a kick powerful enough to kill a human with a single blow. Ross Evans can only kill your BCS chances with a single kick. Don't F**k with the Ostrich.

5. Sally O' Malley
- She's 50 and she can kick, stretch, and kick. Sounds like she has the fundamentals down and her cameltoe would probably distract opponents.

Bonus pic from Necessary Roughness... cheesecake for the guys (Kathy Ireland) and Nurse Frog (Scott Bakula... hey it was either that or Sinbad)

And what better way to end a post about Ross Evans than this picture, which for reasons I can't completely understand, was the 4th pic in Google Images while I was looking for the Necessary Roughness pic:

1 comment:

NurseFrog31 said...

"An ostrich has a kick powerful enough to kill a human with a single blow. Ross Evans can only kill your BCS chances with a single kick. Don't F**k with the Ostrich."

Quote of the YEAR... because it's true.