Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Week 1 Opponent Hate: The Baylor Bears

This was one of many "flukes" in last year's game, according to Robert Griffin III.

I'll be completely honest: I've been chomping at the bit to hate on another TCU opponent ever since the Rose Bowl ended and Wisconsin bitched, moaned and excused their way out of that loss and all the way into the upcoming season (remember, we are ducking them by not canceling this Baylor game according to them.) Digging up reasons to bash, humiliate, belittle and demean our upcoming opponent can be fun, and often times pretty challenging (I'm looking at you, Portland State)....

And then there's Baylor. I'll give them some credit, however, because it's been a long time since they've tried to claim that their basketball murder mess was a drug scandal. It's been over a decade since the baseball team went on a ruthless kitten decapitation rampage. They've been so well behaved lately, it's even been over half a year since a Baylor student thought it would be funny to tell a girl about the sleeping fellatio he made her perform the night before. But who wants to hear about all that stuff? It's gross, profane, stupid, and shows that Waco is a town that makes you so bored and sexually repressed that it causes you to take actions like that (well, those things and of course, what this guy did).

Okay, okay. I've decided to focus on modern day Baylor, because they're clearly much more on the straight and narrow now than they ever have been (right Perry Jones?). So I took the easy way out and have spent the past few days, okay weeks, scanning through Baylor fan sites looking for any sort of target, and I must tell you, the clueless delusion of the Baylor fan base jumps off the page. Really, there was so much of it that if I were to sort through it all and post all of the greatness I found on baylorfans.com it would make a Sir Wesley Willis post look like Cat in the Hat. So I decided instead to pick what I considered to be the dumbest, most nonsensical thread on an entire website based on a nonsense idea (that would be the idea of Baylor ever making a significant dent in the college football landscape). What I came across was this "Top Ten reasons we can/will win the TCU game". While I respect them trying to talk themselves into how they could win this game, I will go through and break down why each of these 10 reasons are completely ridiculous and/or irrelevant to the actual outcome of the game. So without further adieu, here we go:

1) Most upsets happen early in the season (we're not favored, so if we win they will call it an upset

Yes, beating a top 15 team when you just had your first winning season since God was a boy would classify as an upset. However, can you show me any evidence that most upsets happen early in the season? You haven't had any luck with it lately, since you've NEVER beat a top 25 team under Art Briles. Pretty sure ole Artie has had a tough time against TCU too...

2) Scouting reports say TCU's weak point is their offensive line. (Bears d-line needs to play nasty and often)

So if our weak point is our offensive line, you're saying it would be to your benefit to keep your defensively line on the field "often"? Pretty sure that would mean we are dominating the game, and keeping your defense on the field a lot isn't exactly the desired result. Good strategy though. I hope this poster is Baylor DC Phil Bennett, because that is a brilliant plan.

3) As we've seen from the Texas game, and others, the Bears can score on one play.

Wait. A team can score on one play??? Pretty sure every single touchdown ever scored has been scored on "one play." Hell, even Boise isn't gimmicky enough to run two scoring plays at once. Taking away his horrible wording and sentence structure, Baylor's offense has scored 17 points on TCU in the last 3 meetings combined. That whole "one play" theory and explosive offense hasn't made a difference here, has it? Oh, and Texas sucked last year. Bragging about scoring on a 5-7 team is flat out silly. That's why I won't tell you our offense is great for scoring a bunch on Baylor. Don't give credit to those who suck, and Baylor, well, they're Baylor.

4) The game is in our house, and nobody comes in and disrespects us in our house.

Last year A&M and Oklahoma disrespected you in your house. The year before UConn, Okie State, Nebraska, Texas and Texas Tech disrespected you in your house. The last time TCU was in your house we disrespected you as well. Floyd Casey is about as intimidating as a litter of lab puppies. I think we'll be okay.

5) Gary Patterson is fat, and Art Briles isn't (they don't call it morbid obesity for nothing

Before I delve into the stupidity of this, I'd like to note that all of these are direct quotes and I'm not the idiot who doesn't know how to close parentheses or lacks the common knowledge of the English language. Anyways, even if this was true, what the fuck difference would it make? Gary Patterson wins football games, lots of them, and Art Briles doesn't. Seriously, the Gary Patterson "fat" thing is like a really funny running joke over there in the Baylor world. They like to compare him to Mark Mangino. Now if that doesn't display football ignorance then I don't know what does. Calling GP fat reminds me of someone who can't win an argument, or in the case a football game, resorting to the "you're gay" defense. It just shows weakness. But hey, maybe if GP wore long sleeves to games in September in Texas like Briles did he'd lose a few pounds, and also be too close to a heat stroke to assemble a logical game plan like Briles.

"Nice win Gary. Do you mind signing this for me?" -Art Briles
(Thanks Angry Trey for somehow having this picture on your blog).

6) The Bearmobile and redfish will be in the crowd, firing up the crowd

Not sure who or what the hell either one of these things are and I don't care to look it up, but if you cant get yourself fired up for an in state game against a team you envy then by all means, look to the redfish. If I ever say "Wow! Glad the Froghorn is behind the endzone! I wasn't that excited about today until I saw that!" then by all means, punch me in the crotch. Seriously.

7) Baylor is the older, more established university (it's like playing our younger brother)

Man, you must be one of those nerdy, fat, unpopular virgin older brothers and we must be the bad ass younger brother who you are really jealous of. Seriously, younger brother sure has grown up and owned big brother lately. 17-7, 27-0, and 45-10. Older brother sucks. Pretty sure like Harvard and Yale have been playing longer than anyone, so by your logic we should expect to see them in New Orleans in the championship game, right?

8) Our girls are better looking

But seriously, I don't know if there's a human being alive that actually believes that other than this guy, and deep down he knows he's wrong. It's not even close. Next please.

9) As in ancient Rome, we will throw the Christians to the Bears

This literally makes no sense whatsoever. Also, wasn't it Christians being thrown to lions? And is this an anti-Christianity stance taken by a Baylor baptist? What? I'm actually pretty confused. NEXT!

10) Robert Griffin is a better QB than "what's his name" at TCU.

Even when you might have an accurate statement, you lose all credibility by not knowing the name of the person you are comparing him to. I really don't even agree with this statement, since Robert Griffin is still yet to do jack-shit against any decent team he's faced in his illustrious Baylor career. Not to mention, Casey Pachall, the "what's his name" you refer to, has much, much more talent surrounding him. Like, Rose Bowl talent. Robert Griffin also doesn't play defense, and TCU has a much, much better defense to fall back on than the JV that Baylor rolls out there.

Alright, so there it is folks. The reason why Baylor is going to beat TCU. I mean, all those arguments are so logical and insightful, so I don't know how you can fight it. The saddest part might be that Baylor fans on that site actually agree with this clown. I mean, they encourage this kind of bullshit. I can't go on much longer because I have worked myself into some pretty severe anger shakes, but I encourage any of you who get bored at work or in school this week to head on over to baylorfans.com, pick whatever asinine TCU related forum you can find, and just read away. If you've never experienced true Baylor delusion, you will find it there in full force. Or you can read some threads about how the Big 12 might crumble right in front of their eyes and they'll be inevitably fucked out of the potential super conferences in the future. Friday can't come fast enough. I don't just want to beat Baylor, I want to beat them until they cry. Stay tuned Thursday for "Opponent Players to Watch". I'll tell you right now that I refuse to make their player to watch Jar Jar Binks Griffin. I don't profile overrated whiny bitches with bum knees.


LOLfolding said...

I don't profile overrated whiny bitches with bum knees.


shortnkerley's said...

Alright, fixed the weird half centered/half not centered layout of this page. My bad. It gets a little tricky when adding all these ridiculously embarrassing Baylor pictures.

Angry Trey said...

This line cracked me up

Wait. A team can score on one play??? Pretty sure every single touchdown ever scored has been scored on "one play." Hell, even Boise isn't gimmicky enough to run two scoring plays at once."

VikingFrog said...

Nice job there SNK.

Doesn't Gary Patterson fatten up during the summer and lose it all during the season due to stress, yelling, sweating, shoe tying, etc?

If so, this dudes point could be seen as "accurate".

The Showstopper said...

Time to get this one going just like Blue Tech....

GP will now be referred to as MFHC GP.

bscooter26 said...

Art Briles has moobs

Sir Wesley Willis said...

Mangino led Kansas - KANSAS!! - to an Orange Bowl win. He may be even more of a miracle worker than GP. Perhaps fat actually correlates with success?

NurseFrog31 said...

I have it on good authority (as in, an eyewitness account) that GP does the workouts he makes his players do... notably, a friend of mine went down to go check out the progress of the stadium recently, and there was GP, RUNNING THE STADIUM STAIRS IN 110+ HEAT. When asked WHY on Earth he would subject himself to such torture, he simply said, "Well I can't make the guys do something I wouldn't do myself." And then he continued to run.

Please. If our coach's weight is your best defense, you are going to get blasted out of your own stadium. Go Frogs.

LOLfolding said...

The man is a regular at Del Frisco's. One cannot be expected to be slim and trim eating food of that caliber on a regular basis. You're kidding yourself if you think you wouldn't do the same with a $3MM salary.

Shelley said...

I would also like to point out that Thomas Harris, the author of Silence of the Lambs went to Baylor...

And maybe one of the reasons we may not be as "established" is because they freaking burnt our campus to the ground!

Frog of 1993 said...

"Pretty sure every single touchdown ever scored has been scored on "one play." Hell, even Boise isn't gimmicky enough to run two scoring plays at once."

Are you SURE about that? They will do just about anything to lookto win and can't realize that we will always look 1) classier, 2) better, 3)both.

If Baylor has TCU envy, then Boise must have some sort of sexual obsession with TCU since they know we will always come out on top against the Junior College of Idaho

MattHunter said...

This is actually hilarious to read after the game. There are some naive Baylor fans, no doubt, but reading this has caused me to lose the respect I once had for TCU as an opponent. Sarcastically disrespecting a team before they beat you (and once had a 24pt lead)is straight humorous. Ironically, Baylor may be the highest ranked team TCU will face all season. However, now Baylor must face opponents in an actual competitive conference. Classy article, clever writer, whats next?

shortnkerley's said...

Highest ranked team TCU plays all season? Try Boise State. Do your research, idiot. Congrats on the win, but you still come on here and display no football knowledge whatsoever.

MattHunter said...

You are right. They do play Boise St. My deepest apologies. So Baylor is the "second" highest ranked team (as well as the only other ranked team in general) that y'all will play. I clearly don't spend nearly as much time researching my opponents as you do. To say that I have "no football knowledge" is quite a stretch. My lack of knowing the non-conference schedule of a Big East team hardly suggests that I have no football knowledge. I appreciate the congrats, its certainly a big win for the program. Hold the "idiot" comments. Anonymously attacking an individual on a blog doesn't hold much punch.

shortnkerley's said...

Sorry for calling you an idiot, but surely you know that TCU is in the MWC this year and that Boise State is a conference game, right? Maybe it's your lack of knowing what conference TCU is in and their fellow conference mates that gives me the impression that you don't know anything about football. Seriously though, nice win. You've got a good QB. Don't crown yourselves just yet though. Baylor has a history of, well, being Baylor. Hopefully y'all can hold up this year- makes us look better too.

Peelgood said...

Nice job TCU. Great start to the season, no wait, Baylor beat you guys! A telling problem of your season-to-come is that ole GP thinks TCU won in all aspects of the game and actually said that this game was one of the only times he's been on the losing end of a game in which his team outplayed the other team throughout the game. I didn't bother to get the direct quote as it is even more of a waste of time than me posting to fans of TCU to begin with! Either way, GP, you are a moron! Check the stats of the game (including the first 3 quarters of Baylor dominating your team) and you'll see that good coach GP seems to be losing his mind. Ha, lol. Seriously. Baylor? Hahahahaha.

VikingFrog said...


If you take the time to look at the stats as you suggest, they are probably a lot closer than you think. If the game would have ended after the third quarter, you may have an argument here. But it didn't so you don't.

Congrats to Baylor, you guys played well and won a big game in your house in what has become a favorite rivalry of mine.

PurpleHaze354 said...

Is it me or couldn't the Big 12- 3 or 4 money allow Baylor to come up with a better facility than that hell hole. Public Parking in a overgrown pasture, stinkin' bathrooms, crappy concessions and barely visible markings to the seating areas. No wonder Texas and OU want aways from here