Stanford's #6 Ranking is definitely the result of a "hanging chad"
/2000 election lingo'd.
And the good news just keeps on coming! On the same day that the Frogs open up summer practices, the Coaches' released their initial poll... for me to poop on, of course. At present TCU is ranked 15th in the nation, which is probably about fair based on personnel losses offset by the street cred Patterson has built for himself entering his 10th year at the helm. But that's not important - what's most vital is discrediting the teams ranked ahead of us for completely arbitrary reasons! Let's begin...
#14 Arkansas Razorbacks. Ugh, a tough one right off the bat, only because this is the team that I grew up rooting for so it's hard for me to bash them. Plus, they got rid of Jesse Pinkman at QB and bring back arguably the best receiving corp in the nation. Plus, I can't think of a time in recent memory that the Hogs have been ranked ahead of us so I've never actually had to take shots at them. But, I've watched enough Arkansas football to know that they will drop a game, and drop one early because it's what they do. If we continue to win, I wouldn't expect them to stay ahead of us for long.
#13 Virginia Tech. Wow, 13? For a team that has more goiter than starting QB experience? NEXT!
#12 South Carolina. As it was with Oklahoma State last year and Ole Miss before them, South Carolina is this year's, "Well, they look good on paper... let's overrate the shit out of them!" team. I'll admit that the pieces are in place - legendary coach, All-American receiver, future All-American running back, experienced defense... but then there's the Stephen Garcia factor. A lot of our fans threw our hands up when we saw the infamous pics of Casey, the Creator... but that's nothing compared to Stephen Garcia. And he's been doing it for four years! He shows up at team functions drunk! During bowl week last year he was up until the wee hours of the morning entertaining whores and boozing! Seriously, the fact that this kid still has a starting gig is more a testament to the lack of QB depth at SC than his talent level. Steve Spurrier openly loathes him, but he knows he's all he has. All that's to say, going to war with Stephen Garcia as your QB would be akin to living in a city with John Wiley Price as a major power broker... ok, so bad example, but you get the point. No way they win the SEC.
#11 Nebraska. Always a chic pick, Nebraska actually looks pretty decent right now based on the implosion at Ohio State and seemingly wide open Big Ten. Well, at least they'll look decent until Coach Bo Pelini and his brother beat QB Taylor Martinez to death on the sidelines with a tire iron and top QB recruit Bubba Starling signs with the Royals.
#10 Wisconsin. Since, according to the Lubbtards, we were CLEARLY too scared to give the Badgers a rematch, I guess I better choose my words carefully here. Just kidding - F these guys. I don't care that you have a new QB who rigged the system. Look how that worked out for Jeremiah Masoli in Ole Miss? Seriously, much like Stephen Garcia at QB, Wisconsin being the top pick out of the Big Ten is more a testament to the down cycle that conference is going to experience this year than their abilities. I mean, they lost to LOWLY TCU! Those guys have no chance.
#9 aggy. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Someone else is going to have to finish my thought because I can't talk about this with a straight face. And, I hate you for making me cheer for SMU.
#8 Oklahoma State. Actually, I was wrong - this year's Oklahoma State is actually Oklahoma State. I get it - they bring back their 34 year old QB and top receiver. But have you ever been to Stillwater? Me either, because I'm pretty sure it's just Oklahoma's version of Lubbock, except with more moonshine. Seriously, who gave Oklahoma statehood? If I was brokering the Louisiana purchase, I would've just left that territory to the French, then the Germans could've invaded in World War II and bombed the shit out of it and we wouldn't have ever had to come to know Stillwater or Barry Switzer and now they'd just be a bunch of pussified French folk wearing berets, chomping baguettes and playing some pussy sport like Badminton instead of football.
#7 Boise State. Ugh. Seeing Boise ranked ahead of us every damned year is just nauseating, even taking into account that we finally have direct influence over it this season. OH, and did you hear Chris Peterson talk about how they're discussing wearing their all blues when the Frogs come to town and just taking a fine? Pretty sure that won't help your school's case with the NCAA. He also joked that they might just dye their field Orange so they can wear their original unis. Chris Peterson is a funny man, although, sadly, I wouldn't put it past that bullshit school to pull that gimmick. You know why Boise has a decent football program? Because they have some of the shittiest admissions standards in the Collegiate system, thus making their football team a refuge for talented athletes with shit for brains. It's why Kyle Brotzman choked. It's why Jared Zabransky looks the way he does. It's why Kellen Moore can't breathe through his nose. November 12th seriously cannot get here fast enough. I just want to beat them, wipe the smug grins off of those chinstrapped, tatted and earring'd assholes they call a fanbase and get the F out of this shit conference.
#6 Stanford. AAAAHHHH!!! This one drives me CRAZY!!! Andrew Luck is a good QB. Clearly. But do they not take into account that he lost his coach and mentor this past off season? Do they not take into account personnel losses? DO THEY NOT TAKE INTO ACCOUNT THAT THERE'S NO WAY STANFORD CAN CATCH LIGHTNING IN A BOTTLE TWO YEARS IN A ROW. Andrew Luck turned down guaranteed MEELIONS of dollars to return to Palo Alto and now we have to live with the fact that Cam Newton is a #1 overall draft pick and the possessor of more money than we will ever see in our lives. For that reason alone I hope they go 4-8.
#5 Florida State. WOW! Really? Don't ever take any organization seriously when their leader is named Jimbo.
#4 LSU. Much like #5, don't take any organization seriously when their current head coach has lead them to a national title and the fan base still hates him. Or when Jordan Jefferson is their QB. Or when their coach subsists on a diet of grass, although all that miracle grow would explain the size of his head.
#3 Oregon. Understandable I guess, but they suffered some big time O line and defensive losses. Plus, Chip Kelly has shit for brains if he really thought he was going to pull off the whole Willie Lyles thing. If you're embroiled in a scandal where Les Miles actually looks like the smarter man, that's not good for business.
#2 Alabama. I can't really say anything here, lest Nick Saban melt my cerebral cortex with his mind lasers.
#1 Oklahoma. Three words. Big Game Bob. Sorry, Sooners.
The rest of the poll looks as such:
#16 Ohio State.
#17 Michigan State.
#18 Notre Dame.
#20 Mississippi State.
#25 Penn State.
For the sake of brevity, I'll randomly choose one team out of the remaining ten to discuss here. Hmm... who should it be. Should it be Notre Dame, the team is perpetually ranked because NBC is a failing network and needs a boost? Or an Auburn squad that couldn't afford to purchase the biggest free agent QB on the market this year in Russell Wilson? Or OSU who lost their Head Coach and Quarterback completely and their top 4 returning starters to begin the year? Perhaps a Florida team with a new coaching staff and a QB who sometimes appears as though he may actually be a film student who superimposed himself into others highlight tapes to get a scholly to Florida and has never actually played the game before in his life? None of those? Hmm... Oh wait. I know.
Jumpin' Jehosaphat it's amazing what ESPN's money can buy you these days. Texas is not even close to naming a Quarterback. Texas maybe has an offensive line, but the jury is still out, and when I say that I don't mean they maybe have a GOOD offensive line, I mean their offensive line may not actually exist in this realm of reality. They have Malcolm Brown at running back... and that's it. They lost defensive coordinator Will Muschamp although, based on last year's results and the athletes at his disposal, I'm not sure how magical he really is. They had to bring in Boise's Offensive Coordinator to save the day, and when Big Bad Texas is bringing in coordinator of a "gimmicky, non-BCS" team like Boise, things must seriously be in trouble.
Seriously, what reason other than ESPN's backing and "We're Texas" does UT have of being ranked? Any resident UT troll please feel free to enlighten us.
So that is one man's take on the Top 25 team's in the country not named TCU. Of course, the point of this exercise was to take BS shots at all of the team's ranked ahead of us for the sake of propping up TCU, so you fans of other teams that may stumble across our far site, don't get your panties all in a bunch. Except for those of UT and Boise. I genuinely do not like you.
Take your own shots in the comments.