Thursday, September 1, 2011

Game 1 Preview: You Know Who it is.

Baylor Fan Masturbation Material

Well, it's finally here, Gameday 2011. Your defending Rose Bowl Champion TCU Horned Frogs against the defending Texas Bowl runners-up- to- a- team- whose- coach- will- no- longer- be- employed- above- a- middle- school- level- this- time- next- year Baylor Bears. It's a moment we've all more or less been waiting for ever since we emerged from that one hour wait through the exit tunnels in Pasadena. The highly regarded recruiting class and off-season turmoil/mind-fuckery have only amplified the anticipation.

And my god I could not be more ready for it to be over.

I genuinely mean this when I say it - I have never been more excited for a TCU game to be finished than I am to actually attend it than I am for this one. All you linguists out there, take a moment to pick your brain up off of the floor after deciphering that sentence structure. Basically, win or lose, I will be far more mentally stable when this one is over than I will be entering that stadium on Friday evening. I just absolutely HATE it. I hate it because picking against us is the en vogue thing to do according to the pundits. I hate it because I genuinely have no idea if we have an offensive line, a quarterback or a fully functioning secondary. But mostly I hate it because it's effing BAYLOR. UGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, KILL ME!!!!

And it's not even that I'm afraid of Baylor; far from it, actually. I'm just scared of the unknown. It's totally pussy, I know, and it's mostly a product of being spoiled these past couple of years. Do you realize the last game we lost in the regular season was the Utah disaster? How freaking long ago does THAT seem??? But I'm pretty sure quite a few of you are with me on this one. I knew I'd be in bad fan mood all this week, but I didn't expect it to be like this.
But there's a preview to be written so preview I will. And in a nod to SnK's hate preview, I'll do one better and give you the ELEVEN reasons why TCU will beat Baylor Friday night. At least this should help talk me off the ledge. As a disclaimer, some of these are facts and some are opinions, but I defy you to discern the differences.

1) Because Robert Griffin has an indention that appears similar to the cut a hatchet makes on a tree branch in place of where his man parts should be.

Had to start this off right, no? Now, I'm not saying Robert Griffin is, in fact, a lady... I'm just saying that when Robert Griffin uses his #1 spot, he has to sit down to perform the act because his urethra does not have the preferred external vessel affording him proper aim and flow control to perform the exact same act whilst standing up. Remember how he missed almost an entire season with an, "injury?" Well, I have it on good authority there is a small, Jar Jar Binks looking youth currently enrolled in a Day Care Center in Waco that was apparently gestated in the womb of a certain Baylor signal caller. Football season to summer is about nine months, right? Thought so. And remember when he was the most extreme sore loser of all time last September? Well, let's just say it was his "time."
Now that you've had time to let that new knowledge digest, let's look at Robert Griffin, the Quarterback, ignoring the TCU game because, well, we know how that ended up. Griffin apologists will point towards the six games immediately following the feeding in Fort Worth because, taking off my Griffin hating blinders, he blew it up. The Bears went 5-1 in those games . Griffin's stats were as such: 141/195 for 1889 yards passing, 15 TDs against only 4 INTs. He also rushed for 294 yards and 4 TDs in those games. Griffin said in an interview this week that he thanked TCU for giving him and the team a wake up call, but the bottom line is that Griffin realized he couldn't do it all with his legs and developed a better affinity for the passing game. We broke of him any intentions to the contrary.

The only problem with these numbers? They came again Rice, Kansas, Kansas State, Tech, Colorado and UT, with the loss coming against Tech at the Cotton Bowl. That's two bowl teams. That's only one team - Texas - that gave up fewer than 400 yards on defense per game. I'm not trying to discredit Griffin's numbers... haha, got you there, didn't I? Of COURSE I'm discrediting his numbers, silly! Let's look at his numbers in his last 4 games against Oklahoma State, aggy, OU and Illinois, all losses: 108/160 for 909 yards and 2 TDs against 3 INTs. He also rushed 57 times for 234 yards and 1 score.

So let's break it down: In his hot streak he was averaging around 315 yards a game passing and 2.5 TDs, versus his cold streak where the numbers dropped to 227 and 0.5 respectively. He was also rushing 11 times per game during the hot streak vs. 14 in the cold. The latter isn't a huge discrepancy, but the former most certainly is. It's clear that when the going got tough, he reverted back to his ground game, which, statistically at least, is weaker than his passing. And now he's going against a front seven that loves putting pressure on a QB, loves keeping QB's in the pocket and punishes them when they leave it, and he's missing a very good receiver in Josh Gordon (more on him later) as a downfield threat that kept defenses on their toes. Good luck.

And if that doesn't make you feel better about our chances of controlling the score Friday, then hopefully one of these next 10 points will.

2) Because losing Josh Gordon hurts Baylor in the receiving game more than losing Kerley hurts us.

A bold statement to be sure considering all Kerley did for us last year, but few will remember that he wasn't even our leading receiver. That was Josh Boyce, who if he isn't already, will be one of your top 3 favorite Frogs by the time this season is over. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not discrediting Kerley's overall impact to the Frogs; I'm just talking about him solely in the context of the receiving game. Baylor's leading receiver, Kendall Wright, is very, very good. But Josh Gordon was the field stretcher, averaging over 17 yards per reception last year. You'll recall it was Gordon who burned Greg McCoy last year for Baylor's only score of the game. Let's just say Terrence Williams and Tevin Reese, who combined barely equal one Gordon, have some big shoes to fill. You have to feel better if you're for the good guys who have proven guys like Antoine Hicks and Skye Dawson, not to mention the fab freshmen, filling the void. Of course this assumes that our offensive line can keep Casey Pachall upright, which leads directly to my next point...

3) Because of the myth of Phil Bennett.

Baylor fans will surely point out that new DC Bennett was the head man the only time SMU has beaten us in the aughts, but I'll let the 1-5 overall discrepancy against TCU speak more to the law of averages here. In four of his six seasons on the "Hilltop," he won 3 games or less. That's not very good. To be fair, Bennett did well during his tenure at Pittsburgh as DC and fielded the nation's 11th best defensive unit last year yardage-wise. But if there's one thing that former Pitt Head Man Dave Wannstedt won't be discredited for it's his ability to recruit talented athletes, and I think it's fair to suggest that what Bennett has at Baylor doesn't look much like what he left behind in Steel Town. Besides, if you really want to compare apples to apples here, you have to look at his first season in Pitt, which ranked 31st. This sounds good... until you consider they were 7th overall the year BEFORE he got there. That's a drop of 24 spots. That's not very good. Baylor's defense gave up nearly 30 points and 427 yards per game last year - good for a salty 104th in the nation. They also lost 6 starters, which, when you look at the numbers, actually may work in their favor unless you're a lemon/lemonade type. But still, youth + new DC + new system = trouble. And about that new system. You guys do realize that Bennett is installing a 4-2-5... the same defense that Gary Patterson basically perfected. The same defense that Fuenderson has schemed against the past 3 years, and in much preferred vintages. So, uh, yeah. Advantage, Frogs.

4) Because a Baylor win would be good for Waco, and has anything good ever happened in Waco?

Elaborate in the comments, cause I got nothin'.

5) Because Janet Reno destroyed the wrong weirdo cult in Waco in 93 and someone needs to finish the job.

Now before any Baylor trolls we may have on our fair site try and suggest I'm saying we should go on a murder spree in Waco, let me clarify: We should only go on a murder spree ON the field. Or at least a physically maiming spree. This is otherwise known as a "typical defensive effort of a Patterson coached team." Just ask Max Hall. Or Scott Tolzien. But, it's pretty undeniable that the Cult of the Baylor Fan is VERY curious. David Koresh, the leader of the Branch Davidians at the time of their demise, convinced all of his followers to dissolve their marriages because only he could have sex with their women. This sounds strange, but is it any stranger than listening to a Baylor fan try and convince you that losing seasons in the Big 12 are superior to undefeated regular seasons and BCS berths elsewhere? Is suggesting that TCU fans are "too hung up on their Rose Bowl win?" any stranger than the Branch Davidian's belief system, from an article published in the Waco Newspaper:

"If you are a Branch Davidian, Christ lives on a threadbare piece of land 10 miles east of here called Mount Carmel. He has dimples, claims a ninth-grade education, married his legal wife when she was 14, enjoys a beer now and then, plays a mean guitar, reportedly packs a 9mm Glock and keeps an arsenal of military assault rifles
, and willingly admits that he is a sinner without equal."

You be the judge.

6) Because of the beautiful people in Baylor Line jerseys.

I'll be honest, I do not know much about the "Baylor Line" but I am assuming it is just some lame rip off of the aggy 12th Man tradition. The little amount of research I've done into the matter suggests as much - it's kind of to Baylor what the Hyperfrogs are to us. Let's just say they may have been shoved into a lot of lockers in high school. But is Hyperfrogs the correct comparison here? After all, the Hyperfrogs rely mostly on body paint and Red Bull related energy; the Baylor Line relies on cheap jerseys and, I'm not sure what kind of energy because I think processed caffeine is looked upon in the same light as dancing in those parts. So no, they're not like the Hyperfrogs.

But you know who they are like? The Bleacher Creatures. Keep in mind, the Bleacher Creatures are 10 years old and not college students. And they at least get a free hot dog and soda out of the deal. The Baylor Line just get ridicule and a threadbare jersey. Intimidation, Baylor has it!

7) Because Baylor has no proven ground game and we, you know, SORT OF do, if you believe in stats and history and all that nonsense.

Unless you count Robert Griffin, which, after last year, I don't think you can, especially when our defense is supposed to be even faster than it was then. To refresh your memory, last year RB Jay Finley rushed 9 times for 56 yards and Griffin rushed 14 times for 21. This makes me wonder about Art Briles' offensive genius considering he didn't take the ball out of Griffin's hands and put it in Finley's more often. As for the Frogs, we had 291 rushing yards -much higher than our season average, which doesn't speak volumes of what Baylor does on defense - and return every contributor from that effort. You also should take into account that we had put on the brakes almost before halftime, so those numbers could've been a lot more skewed in our favor. Now Finley is gone and the best thing Baylor has to offer is Terrance Ganaway and his empty predictions. Our offensive line may have some glaringly brutal question marks, but Baylor three returning defensive linemen were responsible for giving up 160 yards on the ground per game last year. Friday may be seen as a trial by fire to outsiders, but I think it's safe to say what they'll see wearing green and gold has nothing on what they've seen every day in practice.

8) Because Gary Patterson is fat and Art Briles is not.

Turning the tables a little! In most cultures, largesse suggests prosperity while wearing a saggy skin suit over your bones is typically seen as the opposite. It's why you don't see fat homeless people. Think about it. Baylor fans like to use clever word play and refer to GP as "Gary Fatterson," which is so brilliant in its simplicity that I can't believe no one has thought of it before. font de sarcasm. They also like to compare GP to Mark Mangino to which I say, if you want to compare our coach to a guy who took KANSAS!!!! to the Orange Bowl and won, then there are much worse comparisons you can make.

Alright so at #8 I'm grasping at straws a little bit, but I just think we should all be aware that Baylor fans genuinely think they have an edge because their coach weighs less than ours. This is what we're dealing with tomorrow.

9) Because Baylor is so insecure they have to lie about the overall record to make themselves feel better.

The official record stands at 50-49-7 in favor of TCU. Unless you ask someone in Waco, then it apparently flips the other way. Really, Bears? You have to lie to feel relevant? Is it because of the whole 89-17 point edge we hold over you guys since the SWC disbanded? Or maybe it's just that you're not very good at math. Whatever the reasoning, clearly the Bears have a massive inferiority complex towards the team that they wrongfully took the place of in the Big 12 when the SWC disbanded. And you know what? Based on the program trajectories since then, I'll take it every time. But seriously, just wait for Friday, You're going to hear a LOT of basketball smack talk. Because that's completely relevant to the game on the field Friday night. And because their basketball team didn't cover up a murder investigation and hire one of the sleaziest coaches this side of Calipari to gain relevance. You might even hear women's basketball smack talk, it's seriously that bad down there. Just be prepared. Don't say I didn't warn you.

10) Because we got the F out of Waco at the first opportunity.

A little history lesson for those of you who didn't pay attention during orientation/isn't looking at Wikipedia at this very second like I am: TCU original started as AddRan College and, after a brief stint in Fort Worth, actually uprooted to Waco for 15 years in the late 1800s. We actually started playing football, adopted the name TCU, purple and white color scheme and even the Horned Frog mascot. And then we got the FUUUUUUUUUUUCK outta there. The official story is a fire destroyed the college - I'm not pointing any fingers, but Baylor WAS in Waco at the time as well - and rather than rebuild the school chose to relocate back to its original Fort Worth location. And thank the sweet Lord in heaven for that! The truth of the matter is pretty apparent: Addison and Randolph Clark saw the writing on the wall of what a shithole Waco was to become. Perhaps they even started the fire themselves to have a legitimate excuse? It wouldn't be the first time someone has used arson to their advantage, right insurance companies? I suggest you take similarly drastic measures to rapidly increase the distance between you and the Waco city limits when this one is over. I hope and pray that stretch of I-35 falls into one of the new 85 MPH speed zones enacted just today. Perhaps there are more Frog fans in the legislature than we think? WHERE WERE YOU BACK THEN, HUH!?!

11) Because, Fuck Baylor, that's why.

Prediction: TCU 27, Baylor 13.

It's going to take a quarter for our team to settle in, but once they do, I'm dialing back my worries considerably. I just don't think Baylor has the defense to stop us, and we definitely have one to stop them. I haven't quite decided if that 27 represents 3 TDs and 2 FGs or 4 TDs and a failed PAT, because both are very possible. To be safe, I think Waymon scores a TD on the ground and leads all rushers, that Boyce has 100 yards and a TD and Casey rushes for a TD. The number of tin foil luche libre masks in the Baylor students section, assuming the school laws allow for heckling, will decrease substantially by halftime. See you boys in Waco. Go Frogs.

Predictions thread will be up and running tomorrow morning, so use this as your irrational sounding board for why Terrance Ganaway suggesting that "the game is already won" is just plain foolish.


Sir Wesley Willis said...

Bonus Reason: We have a pretty good track record in season openers under Patterson, especially season openers in Waco while breaking in a new QB...

49 Pairs of Sneakers said...

What's the juice on Stansly

LT4heisman said...

Reason #11 is all I need.

VikingFrog said...

Gosh I can't wait.

Rotten Arsenal said...

I've got a post coming later that is basically going to be a hodge podge of goofy history lessons that will about our history in Waco and other assorted stupid Baylor facts.

Plus, WTF is Toby's Business College?

LOLfolding said...

Reason #11 should be relabeled as a post summary. Cliffs notes if you will.