Friday, August 19, 2011

Could SMU Receive The Death Penalty Twice?

Steve Earle? An SMU fan? Heartbreaking.

By now we're all pretty well-versed in the whole Nevin Shapiro-nerdiest white dude name ever?- situation going on down in Coral Gables. If not, Yahoo! Sports' investigative breakdown is, pardon my French, pretty fucking unreal. Like, if there is Pulitzer Prize for investigative journalism, Charles Robinson is probably on the short list. Shapiro's transgressions went so unchecked and run so deep that the NCAA has gone so far as to suggest the Death Penalty, an act that was so devastating to SMU's football program they pretty more swore they would never use it again, is almost certainly on the table. Something REALLY bad is going to happen to that program if the NCAA has any wits about them - unclear - which, combined with the proposed SEC manifest destiny, could mean the end of the ACC as we know it.

Regardless of what happens, though, once Shapiro gets out of the joint and can sit properly after all the "attention" he gets, he's going to need a new football program to make his pet project as he most certainly will never be allowed within 50 miles of Miami ever again. Unsurprisingly, he's found a suitor and it looks like he's already started laying the ground work. Fortunately for us, he chose one of our oldest friends in our own backyard.

Shapiro did a lot of things for these players who he assumed were his friends - bought engagement rings, offered private yacht rides, threw parties at his house, five star meals, etc - but his calling card, the two things that he spent the most money on, were hookers and strippers, which actually kind of go hand in hand if we're being honest. Everyone loves strippers. Nerdy white dudes with lots of disposable income and the desire to be hangers on really love strippers. And 18 year old high caliber athletes? Their love for strippers knows absolutely no bounds. Unfortunately though, it's pretty obvious that, when Shapiro gets back in the game, there's no way he's going to have the opportunity to hook his new pals up with VIP bottle service and private rooms at strip clubs because the NCAA is going to have their eyes ALL over him. But fear not, for he has a plan, and it's probably one of the more brilliant schemes in the entire scandalous booster repertoire.

Enter SMU's new $3 million locker room, half of it funded by two "undisclosed donors":

I must credit tweetster Adam Kramer for bringing this to my attention, but what he says is true - SMU's new locker room really DOES kind of look like a strip club. Sure, the pole is a little large, but hey, what man has the right to judge another man's preference on the surface area of their fleshly desires? But that tacky carpeting? The awkward lighting? All of those private booths with the dollar bill slots that eat twenties faster than Robert Griffin eats his words? And the LED lit Pony is just the absolute icing on the cake. Can't you see them turning off the lights, cranking up the fog machines and letting that twinkle while they usher the girls through the tunnel and the bubbly pops? To be honest, I'm not mad at all - I'm jealous that they found the loophole! Think about it - outside of certain specified times, no media or outside sources can be in the locker room snooping around, unless you're WWHD and you're hiding in a bathroom stall. So why not bring the stippers TO the athletes rather than the athletes to the strippers? It's nearly foolproof! Shapiro may be going away for a long time, but you can't say the man doesn't prioritize correctly.

And SMU is absolutely PERFECT for him! The Miami fanbase is as such - drug dealers and asshole northeastern transplants with money in their pockets and chips on their shoulders because they were beat up a lot as kids. Do I even need to draw the comparison to our penny loafer wearing, nose rubbing pals to the East? He'll fit right in!

Of course, based on his track record, if Yao Ming and his crew don't take care of Shapiro after the fact, he'll blow the whistle on them in the blink of an eye and possibly usher in another era of SMU Death Penaltyball. But strippers and hookers? In the locker room? I think it's a risk you have to be willing to take. Well played, Ponies. Well played. Welcome to the big leagues.


VikingFrog said...

Think he'll take them out on his Yacht on White Rock Lake.

Boats N Hoes!

LOLfolding said...

Neighbors to the east?

LA Frog said...

I don't want to pilfer the whole SBNation response to this, but here is a direct quote: And a DJ in the back yelling out "JUNE JONES TO THE MAIN STAGE LET'S WELCOME JUNE JONES."

He is the rest of the article (Check out UT's locker room pic at the bottom)