Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Baylor Issues a Call to Arms. Laughter Ensues.


Before I even begin to dig into one of the saddest cries for help I've seen since, well, last week's episode of Louie, please take a few minutes to read Baylor President Ken Starr's statement in full, as seen in today's edition of Austin American-Statesman. I'll wait.

Assuming you've quelled your LOL'ing at the notion that Baylor believes they are an equal in the Big 12 and are thus entitled to being involved in high level decision making, let's skip the exposition and break the key points of this abortion apart.

When I assumed the presidency of Baylor University 14 months ago, I never would have guessed that one of the most significant challenges we would face as an institution would be the future health and unity of the Big 12 Conference.

"I was far more certain it would be hoping Coach Scott Drew dispose of all the hookers he murdered! Fingers crossed!"

Of course, we celebrated with all Texans when the agreements were signed last year assuring a vigorous future for the Big 12, including even stronger ties among Texas A&M, the University of Texas, Texas Tech and Baylor University.

HA - What? Even stronger ties? You must mean railroad ties, because all you bitches did was lay track for Texas to railroad you even further into obscurity.

Let me be perfectly clear: Baylor continues to fully support the Big 12.

He tosses this out immediately after bringing the whole aggy/SEC situation to light. In that context, this statement is just absolutely SILLY, making it sound as though Baylor has options to leave just like aggy but is choosing not to exercise them. Sorry, Ken, but even the Sun Belt Conference isn't exactly licking their lips at taking you on board.

We especially appreciate our fellow Texas institutions in the conference and the special rivalries that entertain and energize our respective alumni.

You mean sell out your stadium, because Texas, Tech and aggy fans are the only reasons that ever happens. I'm not a betting man, but if Friday in Waco isn't at least a 50/50 split, I'll give you a nickel.

Now, in a formation that includes an incredibly strong regional association of ten schools, four of which represent the State of Texas, we believe that the Big 12 is one of the nation's foremost athletic conferences.

Apparently Tech and Baylor hold the same away as, say, Auburn and Alabama, or USC and Oregon, or even Ohio State and Michigan. I'm pretty certain that when people think of the Big 12, they kind of overlook the fact that there are teams other than aggy, UT and OU involved at all.

For Texas, strong connections among rival Big 12 institutions produce income and jobs and help with student recruitment, both by keeping students in our state and by bringing others into our fold. And, of course, there is the great pride that we feel as Texans when our teams dominate the national collegiate athletics landscape as they did during the past year.

Is that a shout out for the Frogs? I'm not holding my breath, especially since this is supposed to be pimping the Big 12. But let's recap what those teams did: Texas went 5-7, aggy got raped in a bowl, Baylor got raped in a bowl and Tech lost to Texas which negates the rest of their season. So by process of elimination, I guess he means TCU, which doesn't exactly aid his side in the "Kick Baylor out of the Big 12 argument."

As we saw last summer, many in the Texas Legislature understand the economics associated with a strong and unified Texas presence in a dominant athletic conference.

Kind of like how they understood the economics of inviting Baylor over TCU in the first place, eh? Or the economics of, you know, not destroying public education in our fair state? I wouldn't base future arguments for the Big 12 on the opinions of our local politicians.

Our elected officials are again taking notice of a flurry of activity related to the Big 12 and have postponed hearings, pending developments, to discuss college athletics. We believe such conversations are certain to conclude that it is in the best interest of our state that the four Texas schools of the Big 12 stay together.

I hate tooting aggy's horn as much as anyone, but recent reports suggest the SEC situation is, under the table, a done deal and is just sitting in legal limbo. So, wrong again, Kenny.

Texas A&M has expressed concern with the launch of the Longhorn television network. A number of us have expressed such concern, but it calls for conversation, not calls to other conferences.

I'm betting Starr has said ZERO words against Texas about the LHN. That's how bitches wind up with black eyes, fewer teeth and a mangled weave.

In the spirit of the venerable biblical tradition, if we have issues to resolve, let us resolve them together. Decisions that impact our state's largest higher education institutions and their many constituents, as well as our economy and quality of life, ought to be reviewed thoughtfully and informed by input from all those with a vested interest, including alumni, citizens and lawmakers.

OH my god, PLEASE let this happen!! Please let all the Techtards and aggy male cheerleaders and East Texas UT T shirt fans have a public forum to discuss this. IMAGINE the possibilities. It will make Paul Finebaum's callers look like freaking Rhodes Scholars. Seriously, you could firebomb the location and immediately solve the lack of education problems I mentioned above. Heck, hold it in Lubbock, just to take guessing out of the equation. I TAKE IT ALL BACK KEN, YOU'RE A GENIUS!

Baylor, Texas and Texas A&M have been competing against one another for more than a century, while Texas Tech has been facing these foes for more than 80 years. Frankly, I can't imagine having a Baylor home football game without a Midnight Yell or an A&M game without the pageantry of the Fightin' Texas Aggie Band marching at halftime.

Pretty sure every single one of those schools can imagine their annual athletic schedule without Baylor. Also, this confuses me - Baylor has a midnight yell? Like aggy? So you hate them, yet you're ripping their traditions? The state of affairs in Waco are even more dire than I imagined.

I shudder to consider a future gathering of my fellow university presidents during which conversations about the disappearance of our historic rivalries lead us to ask what we were thinking back in 2011 when we let something so valuable slip away.

SUN! BELT! SUN! BELT!

Fortunately, it is still 2011. There is no need for a rush to judgment. Cool heads can prevail when we take the time to listen to one another.

And with that last delusional statement suggesting anyone but Texas has a say in the matter beyond aggy leaving, we're done.

Awwwwww poor wittle Baylor! You mean you might finally get some comeuppance for being the zit on the Big 12's ass for nearly 20 years? Seriously, as much as I hate for aggy to be happy, Baylor's sadness more than makes up for it. Could it really happen to a more deserving group of folks? I'll be honest - if a win in Waco meant the Big 12 would stay together and loss meant Baylor would be drop kicked into the Sun Belt, sorry Casey Pachall, but I'd give a hard thought to making your career line 0-1 out of the gate. Of course I'm mostly kidding - fan hate should never trump on field performance - but my god it'd be a fantastic consolation.

The problem with Baylor is exactly what you see in Ken Starr's statement: Their delusions of grandeur are nowhere close to matching their reality. I think our own lyle lanley put it best when he said, "It's sort of like a 3rd class passenger on the Titanic who snuck onto a lifeboat and wants to stick together with the rich folk now that the lifeboat has sprung a leak" But that may be too lofty of a comparison - after all, at least DiCaprio got to bang Kate Winslet before he became shark bait. Sure, they got to beat Texas last time out, but Texas was terrible, and Baylor is no DiCaprio... so it'd be kind of like DJ Qualls getting to bang Christina Aguillera now that she is 200 pounds and has a drinking problem before he called it quits.

Honestly, I don't think aggy leaving is going to have the impact everyone says it will. Baylor will still be in the Big 12, although a far less lucrative one with a talent level closer to next year's MWC than this year's. Aggy, who currently has a ceiling of third in Big 12 play on average, will not clear that number in the SEC.. in their own division. But hey, at least Ole Miss will have some different maroon company at the bottom of the West. Meanwhile, TCU will continue to reap the benefits of having the best coaching staff in America with a firm grip on recruiting despite not playing in, "one of the nation's foremost athletic conferences." All is well, I suppose.

But seriously UT, do you see what you're enabling? For the love of god. PLEASE kick Baylor out of the Big 12.



4 comments:

Travis said...

Great read, you had me at:

"HA - What? Even stronger ties? You must mean railroad ties, because all you bitches did was lay track for Texas to railroad you even further into obscurity."

Actually spit out some of my ice cold Zieggenbock when I read that! Reading about Baylor follies is such a good time. Check out the ESPN article about their receiver being kicked off the team and read their fans comments. Seriously, I'd smoke weed too if I had to spend four years living in Waco. Baylor aside, it really is a Texas armpit.

shortnkerley's said...

Baylor delusion knows no bounds. Even high ranking officials are affected.

Travis, Waco is the Asshole of Texas. Lubbock is the armpit. Don't compliment Waco like that. Also, Waco, like the asshole, is centrally located. You're better than that. Waco- asshole, Lubbock- armpit.

NurseFrog31 said...

This might be my favorite post EVER. Thank you for brightening my day with this gem.

Sir Wesley Willis said...

Baylor fans on Josh Gordon is phenomenal reading. They basically make it sound like they're some sort of breeding ground for talented WR's and they're glad to be rid of him because of all they have waiting in the wings.