Thursday, June 9, 2011

West Virginia Ignores Bill Stewart's Casserole, Makes Him Feel Like an Asshole.

Bill Stewart's Got Hurt Feelings.

With the Mountain West going into major damage control by adopting a newer, terribler logo and a pretty extreme exit clause for the remaining programs -not to mention sticking it to us for moving on-, I've pretty detached myself from that wasteland completely and have been getting in touch with my Big East side. And boy, what an incredibly explosive situation they have brewing up in Morgantown, WV. The Wonderful White Family aren't the only hooligans up there making headlines.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, some background: When Rich Rodriguez defected for that ill-fated sojourn to Ann Arbor, Assistant Coach Bill Stewart stepped in to coach the Mountaineers in the Fiesta Bowl. In a hastily made, post-coital decision following WVU's destruction of Oklahoma in that game, the school decided to take the interim tag off of Stewart and keep him as the head man for the forseeable future. Believe it or not, WVU clearly had on their Bad Idea Jeans when they drew up the contract, because it has not worked out. At all. We've seen this before - coach comes in with high expectations, coach does not meet those expectations, coach is dismissed. As a response, the Mountaineers brought in noted OC Dana Holgorsen, of Houston and Oklahoma State fame, this off season to succeed Stewart as head man. This all sounds pretty straight forward, and it would be, save for two tiiiiiny issues:

The Mountaineers opted to keep Stewart on as Head Coach and forced Holgorsen into his staff despite Stewart not wanting to leave his post, thus making him the lamest of lame duck coaches and a potential wildcard for their upcoming season.

Oh, and also, Holgorsen is a RAGINGLY awesome drunk. We're talking like, beating folks up in the Capital Grille in Denver after a TCU/Wyoming game drunk. Let's check the facts:

Holgorsen has three known alcohol related incidents in the state of West Virginia - one of which as a VISITING COACH- and possibly as many as six. In his repertoire are:

  • Being removed from the Pete Dye Golf Club and asked never to return. From a golf course! Without raging drunks looking to escape their bleak lives for 4 hours a week and get blind drunk with the boys and sexually harass the cart girls, golf would not exist in this country. They WANT you to drink. Quite a feat, Holgorsen
  • In 2008 while the OC at Cougar High, the Coogs were upset on national television by Marshall on the road, a game you may remember mostly for one of the Houston receivers having his leg disintegrated by a poorly placed band cart. Apparently after the game Holgorsen took his talents to the Union Pub and Grill where he got into a bit of a disagreement with the ESPN crew as well as some locals. Holgorsen was "asked to leave," which, as we all know from being in college, means "throw the F out."
  • Most recently, Holgorsen was "asked to leave" the Mardi Gras Casino in Cross Lanes, WV at 3:20AM after apparently becoming intoxicated to the point that he was no longer welcome. Again, much like golf, without raging drunks looking to escape their bleak lives for a few hours/days, get drunk with the boys and sexually harass the help, legalized gambling would not exist in this country. And as a kicker, casinos WANT you to get drunk and spend your money. They invite it. Why do you think they wait to serve you free drinks until AFTER you've started playing? Why do you think the pit boss sics the whores on a hot shooter, trying to drive him away? BECAUSE DRUNK WOMANIZERS MEAN BIG BUCKS FOR THE HOUSE! Again, quite a feat to get kicked out of a casino, Dana.
The other three incidents are unconfirmed but allegedly all took place in the hotel where he currently lives in Morgantown and have resulted in him not being welcome back at the bar in said hotel. Keep in mind, Holgorsen has not coached one single down for the Mountaineers. Just IMAGINE what it will be like when school is back in session!

WOW. If I'm not mistaken, Holgorsen gained his offensive prowess studying under Mike Leach so he has to be a BIT off to have survived that in tact... but just, wow. And I haven't even gotten to the point of my story yet.

Circling back to Bill Stewart - so clearly Stewart hates WVU for the situation they have put him in, and by extension he hates Holgorsen. So what does the old man do? He calls the newspaper in Pittsburg - WVU's biggest rival - and has them dig up all of the dirt listed above on Holgorsen so that maybe the school will rethink their strategy. Holgorsen interviewed for the Pittsburg job before it was filled and was not hired, so you can connect the dots that Stewart may have ironically played a role in landing Holgorsen in Morgantown in the first place. So now Stewart hates Holgorsen, Holgorsen hates Stewart, and Andrew Luck's pappy - the AD at WVU - has a pretty incredible shitstorm on his hands.

So what do you do if you're Luck? Do you get rid of Holgorsen and attempt to void the six year deal he has already signed and start the search anew? Do you do the same, but keep Stewart, the pissed off coach who wants to take you down? Or do you get rid of Stewart and try and reel in Holgorsen before he hijacks a truckload of moonshine and goes on a statewide rampage like the zombies in 28 Days Later? Perhaps the new season of Justified can shift up a state from northwest Kentucky and Raylan Givens can be charged with keeping a close watch on Dana? Regardless of what happens, this should be even more fun to watch implode than Colt McCoy's marriage now that his wife ratted him out for taking bribes. We'll keep a close eye on the situation as it unfolds.