Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Baylor's Latest Criminal Activity Will Leave a Real Sour Taste in Your Mouth.

I've never cared much for our hand signal
but at least there's one that's worse.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with typical life cycle of a Baylor, it more or less goes as follows: You willingly pay money to move to Waco, Texas for four of the most monumentally important years of your life, you put on one of those goofy Baylor Line jerseys in the picture above and watch your shitty football team play to their descriptor, you don't have fun in college but afterwards tell everyone you do and close it out by getting married before graduation and pumping out a few kids before pondering divorce by 30 because your blissful union is failing. It's a harsh reality, yes, but it's true. However, every now and again someone slips through the cracks, either because they didn't realize the miserable lifestyle they signed up for and are trying to buck the trend, or because they realize only a moron would get married before they're 25. In either case, these folks are pushed to the fringes of Baylor society. As an outsider, you might think, "Well, hey, at least someone is trying to make some changes around there! I mean, it's not like Waco has ever had any fringe outsiders go off the rails or anything. Just ask Janet Reno!" However, in this particular case, being an outsider clearly showed its drawbacks.

Which brings us to the story of particularly promiscuous Baylor student Robert Cole who has been so far removed from the norm that I'm not sure counseling and Dave Bliss can get him off the hook for his actions. Well, maybe Bliss.

Picture the scene: You're at a college party. There are girls there. Said girls are getting drunk -but drunker than a normal college girl because Baylor students are so unfamiliar with the concept of drinking to excess that their minds literally implode at the first sip of Boone's Farm-especially one girl who is so drunk it's pretty clear she needs a breather. As a normal person, you might think, "Hmm.. that girl looks like she could be in for some trouble, I better remove her from the situation either by calling her a cab, getting a friend to come pick her up, or at least taking her drink and getting her a glass of water." We've all at least seen this situation unfold and, at least to my surface knowledge, I don't know anyone who had anything bad happen to them while being over-served at a party. However, if you go to Baylor, your brain is so turned to mush from the Waco scene where girls who won't hook up with you unless there's a diamond involved, combined with a general lack of routine alcohol consumption, apparently THIS is what goes on in your head.

Without going into the gory details - this is a family oriented website, after all - let's just say Mr. Cole must've had on his Bad Idea Jeans at this party... before removing them and reenacting a common Japanese film-making technique, of course. And while I'm in no way trying to make light of a pretty grisly situation - that's for the guys at barstool sports to tackle - you kinda have to admit that something like this just has Baylor written all over it. Sexual depravity and the lack of developed social skills can really weigh on a person's psyche; Actually, it's kind of amazing that this is the first time this has happened down that way.

No one in their right mind would ever attend Baylor. Seriously, I'd rather do 4 years in Nacogdoches and develop one of those rashes that doesn't wash off than spend a second in Waco. But man, I never thought it'd drive a person to do that. Things must be way more wacky down there than we can imagine. But then again, that's the funny thing about Waco - the Baylor faithful will tell you that it's this all enveloping Baptist environment and a fantastic place to live, yet it's, to my knowledge, the only city in the country that has had a team sponsored murder cover up AND radical-religious-separatist-nut-job-government-intervening-smack-down happen in the same era. Here's to betting they don't bring either of those highlights during the admissions process.

As a result of all of this, Young Robert is likely going to federal pound me in the ass prison for quite some time and the young lady in question will never fully get that taste out of her mouth, but let's try and think positive here. Do you realize what this will potentially add to our trash talking repertoire over the summer before week 1? Assuming TCU's new admissions standards haven't completely made the student body devoid of all the foul mouthed rapscallions we glowingly remember from our days in the Funk, this should be viewed as a call to arms. I feel like I don't even need to prod the Section V faithful in this endeavor.

Give us your best Baylor related money shots in the comments. I have a feeling that referring to Robert Griffin as a "choke artist" or "gagging under pressure" will take on different meanings this year.


shortnkerley's said...

Another Baylor loss to TCU this season will be tough to swallow...unless they're sleeping.

Shawn R. said...

saw this picture on KillerFrogs and it fits perfectly for this story

Shawn R. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lyle Lanley said...

At least he didn't break her face like Facebreakius Dunn

VikingFrog said...

It's Baylor's version of the Immaculate Reception... The Ejaculate Reception.