Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Spitblood Psychic: The Future of Rooster.

If there is a God, you won't do this to Andy.

As the most beloved and ballyhooed prospect to come out of TCU since LaDainian Tomlinson, we all have a heightened sense of interest where Red will end up playing football professionally. So rather than make you all dig through the muck and mire that are sports related internet rumors, we will compile them all here, team by team, as they come along. For the sake of brevity, we will only feature team's that have scheduled an interview or workout with Andy, look at their current QB situation and draft picks and make one of our patented hasty assessments from there. We will also give more credence to team's with picks in the 2-4 rounds (amendment: 1-3 rounds, because that's looking more and more likely) because we're optimistic and can't see Dalton lasting beyond there.

Today we'll take a look at another potential landing spot, the one that continually shocks me when I realize the state of Ohio has two cities large enough to field NFL franchises, the Cincinnati Bengals!

QBs Currently on Roster: Dan LeFevour, Carson Palmer*, Jordan Palmer.

Draft Picks: Round 1 (4), Round 2 (3), Round 3 (2).

Why Rooster Fits: Much like the other Ohio based team, I just don't see Dalton in a Bengals uniform, but since they're showing significant interest I have to take them into account. Cincinnati needs a lot of things, a lot of which are intangible, so to bring in a level headed good guy like Dalton would be an immediate improvement for that organization. The team that has fostered such good guys as Tank Johnson, Pacman Jones, Cedric Benson, Chris Henry, Terrell Owens, Chad Johnson and Rey DUI Maluaga clearly could use a personality overhaul. As fate would have it, Carson Palmer, the most curiously overrated QB in the history of the NFL, wants out of Cincy so bad that he's willing to retire to get his way. So they need a QB. And that's really the only reason why I think Dalton would be a fit.

Why Rooster Doesn't Fit: I'm not so sure this is a reason why Dalton doesn't fit but more why he should want to stay the hell away from this disaster of an organization. If we're talking tangible reasons, I think the Bengals are going to look long and hard at taking a QB at that #4 spot in the first assuming either Cam Newton or Blaine Gabbert is still around, which would render the Dalton pick obsolete. They've also interviewed Ryan Mallet which, combined with their lingering on Newton, just adds a whole new level of hilarious irony to the situation. Seriously, Coach Marvin Lewis is completely catatonic at this stage in the game and hates his team and life so bad he might be considering saving Palmer a spot in line at the unemployment office. Can you imagine what will happen if Owner Mike Brown opts to bring in one of the two biggest character flawed dudes in the entire draft? Oh my god, he would seriously be like the real life version of Private Pile in Full Metal Jacket.

But beyond that, you can have your Raiders because the Bengals are easily the most poorly run organization in the entire NFL. Say what you will about Al Davis, at least he doesn't have guys forcing their way out of town. Seriously, like I said above, Carson Palmer, at 31 years of age, is going to retire unless he is traded. THIRTY ONE! Sure, he sucks and has an history of injuries, but that's just incredible. So let's say Palmer retires and Dalton steps in, then what? Well, pretty sure he wouldn't have trouble beating out Dan LeFevour and Carson's little brother for a spot. Who will he throw to? Oh, that's right, Chad Johnson, nee Ochocinco, double nee, Johnson, who is currently playing in the MLS. THE MLS!!! How does this happen? How does he keep getting away with this shit and keep his reputation? Was Chad Johnson EVER good? But, it sounds like Ocho could be at the end of his rope in Cincy, so let's continue. Andre Caldwell? Quan Cosby? Freaking TO if they bring him back?! The only other option is Jordan Shipley-McCoy.. and to be honest, he might be the best one.

Looking further, if Dalton was signed by the Bengals, he gets to face the man eating defenses of the Ravens in the Steelers each year. TWICE. Talk about a trial by fire. Seriously, the only positive I can draw out of the situation is that he and McCoy would get to battle twice a year for Buckeye State superiority... but would anyone watch? I really hope Andy gets drafted elsewhere. Even the Eagles would be better. And I hate the fuckin' Eagles.

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