Friday, April 22, 2011

Friendly Advice for Johnathan Gray.

Seriously, stay out of moving vehicles with this guy.

As a fan of college football, I want to be one of the first to offer Aledo's Johnathan Gray a HEARTY round of CONGRATULATIONS for hitching his cart to one of the most STORIED programs in all of college football, The UNIVERSITY of TEXAS. Even though you picked against the hometown TCU Horned Frogs, the only in state team with forward momentum AND unlimited upside, we at SpitBlood just want to demonstrate that there are no hard feelings by offering some sage words of advice for the four years you're going to waste in Austin. Did I say waste? I meant BLOSSOM.

First of all, buy PLENTY of Icy Hot and have a standing Sunday morning reservation on the trainers table because, for all their stars and accolades, those poor offensive linemen couldn't run block against Dallas' All-Girls Ursuline Academy. And they don't even have a football team! Just ask Fozzy Whittaker, Vondrell McGee and the battered assortment of other former top rated running backs who had their careers derailed because of that line fail. And Tre Newton! He actually had to QUIT football because his body was so destroyed by missed blocks and a complete absence of second level blocking. I by no means intend that comment to suggest that I wish harm on Gray. Far from it as, after watching last year's 5-7 campaign, I'm genuinely kind of worried for his safety.

Secondly, if any current or former Longhorn football players call and ask if you want to hit the town, remember to input the name and telephone number of your preferred bail bondsman and legal counsel because chances are you're gonna need it! Most UT athletes haven't met a car they aren't willing to drive drunk, a police officer they aren't afraid to disrespect, or a stranger they aren't willing to assault, almost always resulting in a night of lockup. And while I think you have a better head on your shoulders than just about anyone else on that team, seeing as how you chose UT as your preferred college football destination, I have to apply the scrutiny that comes with it. Here's a handy dandy guide of the upstanding citizens who have worn the longhorn on their temple

Third, when you undoubtedly make it to the NFL, hire a financial advisor whom you trust to invest that first paycheck well, because if history proves true your second one may not be quite as lucrative. Did you see the Ricky Williams 30 for 30 special on ESPN? He was just as highly touted, if not more so, than you currently are coming out of high school, won a Heisman and was a top pick in the NFL draft. Now? He's a family neglecting pot head who gave up the dream to become a holistic medicines expert and masseuse and is mostly remembered for derailing the entire New Orleans Saints organization for a decade and quitting the NFL so he could smoke dope. Sure, he's seen the field with the Toronto Argonauts and the Miami Dolphins, but he doesn't do it because he loves the game, he does it because he's broke. And Cedric Benson! WOW! His story is shockingly similar to yours - Texas high school football legend who was seemingly unstoppable at that level who then translated that success to college football... and then hopefully this will be where your stories diverge, because Benson went from first round draft pick to playing on a minimal salary in CINCINNATI of all places! And you know when you wind up in Cincy you're officially at the end of your NFL rope. Sort of like Williams, Benson decided he enjoyed his extra curricular vices more than he enjoyed contributing to his team, such as driving while intoxicated, a favorite pastime of his trumped only by his all time #1, BOATING while intoxicated! These two are the product of the enabling environment you'll encounter under the Mack Brown regime where anything goes as long as you're helping contribute to that $5 million annual salary! See what you have to look forward to?!

Fourth, when you see Coach Brown do that thing where he flips up his headset, drops his hands to his knees and tightens his lips into that sour smirk after a fumble, don't be afraid - he'll get over it as long as you're putting butts in those seats! Of course, with one of the more fickle fan bases in the country, there's no guarantee that those 100K+ seats are going to be filled week to week, as thoroughly demonstrated by last year's Iowa State debacle where fans were practically begged to attend the games and still refused. It's one of the main issues when your fan base is determined by the most rolled back price on merchandise at Wal Mart that week. But back to Mack - he's really a big ole softie! I mean, Greg Davis was employed YEARS past his prime because Mack was just such a nice guy, and did you SEE what his son in law did in the Holiday Bowl? What a big dumb boner! The fact that Garrett Gilbert is even allowed to compete for the starting position this year says a lot about his integrity to his word. You should do just fine...

Except, OH WAIT - I have a fifth point, which coincides with the 5 stars on RB Malcolm Brown's chest, who was Johnathan Gray before Mack even knew who Johnathan Gray was! And he's going to have a full year of starts under his belt before you even set foot on campus! And, just as Mack told you, I guarantee he told young Malcolm that he only has eyes for him and that he's the future of football at the University of Texas. This raises a dilemma- how can HE be the future if YOU'RE the future as well? Well, just ask poor Chris Whaley, who was Johnthan Gray and Malcolm Brown before either of you were the apples of Mack's eye. I hear he's doing well on the bench and looking more like a linebacker or fullback these days.

Continuing our numbers game, my sixth word of advice pertains to 6th street, or as I like to call it, Herpesville. Oh, it's a glamorous place for a 18 year old football star - bright lights, loud music, vomit on the sidewalks. It's a lot like the French Quarter, except without the history, character and Lucky Dogs. And the women! Oh, the women! Fresh faced and scantily clad, they probably haven't even had their first experience at a fraternity foam party, or as I like to call them, Herpesland. Seriously, 6th street sounds like a great idea... until you realize it's mostly the dregs of Austin and you can't look twice at any particular woman without getting a knuckle sandwich from a guy from San Marcos wearing an Affliction T shirt. Once you wise up and realize its the hidden gems of Austin, like Donn's Depot or Deep Eddy, that make it so unique, I know a few guys you can call.

I could go on and on, but it's Good Friday and it's time to relax so I'll cut it short. But seriously Johnathan, good luck at the next level, we all wish you well and appreciate the understated way your handled your recruitment. I realize the myriad of reasons why you chose UT. I mean, if it came to competing with the likes of McGee and Whittaker or Ed Wesley, Dwight Smith, Matthew Tucker and Waymon James, 99% of recruits would choose the path you did. We would've loved to have added you to the mix, but we won a Rose Bowl without any 5 stars, and we'll continue to win without them. Meantime, I'll just put these LaDarius Anthony highlights on repeat as a primer for signing day 2012. I hope you can talk your cowardly future athletic department into a rematch with the Frogs one of these days so we can definitively see if you made the correct decision.

But seriously - if you're at Lake Travis and Cedric Benson tosses you a line, swim away. Swim away as fast as you can.



55 comments:

Greg said...

Can we get another recruiting update? According to my Iphone app its been over 266 days since the last one.

Spit Purple said...

Best of luck to you Johnathan but heed every word of Willis' advice.

Sir Wesley Willis said...

Greg - We'd love one too, but jimmiemac has apparently abandoned us and doesn't respond to emails, etc.

Jtkrum said...

Wow - bitter TCU fans....

jimtexas68 said...

You mad? LOL. Not bad smack for a team that has only been relevant for three of the last sixy years. Good luck in the Big Least. You'll get your chance to play the Horns again some day and the result will be the same as the last no matter how much you pretend to be one of the big boys.

Clark said...

Can we please stop with the constant UT bashing? You sound like an aggy by continuing to do so. Look at it this way, the top rated RB in the COUNTRY had TCU as his 2nd choice...3 years ago, Gray wouldn't have even considered us. Focus on the positive and quit drinking the Haterade.

shortnkerley's said...

5-7

shortnkerley's said...
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Jeff said...

Wow! Real classy article! I hope to god you do not represent the TCU fans as a whole. Your an idiot! SO you actually know who will be blocking for Johnathan Gray when he steps on the field for the first time in a couple years. Oh and yes you are MAD BRO!

Texas Secede said...

Your an idiot!

Uh....

Sir Wesley Willis said...

I'm failing to figure out where I wasn't speaking the truth in the article.

Sir Wesley Willis said...

And where were you guys when you were 5-7 exactly? I'm glad to have some fresh, ignorant blood on the site, but it feels a little fair weather.

Sir Wesley Willis said...
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joke said...

ouch sounds like some butthurt lol

joke said...
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shortnkerley's said...

What was classless about it? All that was said in there was true. No ill will was wished upon Gray. Classless is coming to a tcu site to gloat about landing a recruit.

Sir Wesley Willis said...

The real question is where is the original SB hater, purplepansy? I'd welcome his words of wisdom while we're down.

CounselorFrog said...

Ha, once again some mistakes this site for 'classy'. See the Quidditch post below for the responses to that claim.

Skipper said...

Benson makes $3.5MM/year on that 'minimal' salary. TCU must have a fantastic business school LOL. Pooooooor irrelevant Froggies.

Sir Wesley Willis said...

Yes, because our business school's mission statement is "to allow our graduates to make money comparable to that of a professional athlete"

CounselorFrog said...

Yeah and 3.4 million of that goes to his legal and PR team. Who don't seem to be doing such a great job.

Sir Wesley Willis said...

and Clark - if you read yesterday's post you'd realize how much I at least grasp the overall meaning of us going toe to toe with UT on a prospect like Gray... but still, feels like a bit of a consolation, no? I know we'll likely never out recruit UT, but if "well, we ALMOST beat them" is supposed to be viewed as a prize, we have no hope of ever doing so.

And as far as we shouldn't bash UT because we sound like a bunch of ags, clearly you've missed about half of our posts over the years because it's pretty clear we do not care for UT and do not hide that fact. If hating UT makes me an aggy, then get me a an all white jump suit and a megaphone because I dislike UT more than any of those yell leaders.

Andrew said...

Awwww. Someone sure sounds butt hurt. Gray chose UT because UT is the best school in the state that offers a top notch education as well as athletics.

Now if he wanted to play in the Weak East or in front of 15,500 fans each week, he probably would have chosen TCU.

Let us face the facts. TCU was dying... no begging, to get into a BCS conference but not one that would actually provide much of a challenge which is why the Sorry East was the perfect fit for the butt hurt horned frogs.

Considering that the state of Texas produces over 400 top notch Div 1 athletes each year, it should be easy to rack up the wins that TCU has by playing the schedule they have over the last five years or so. One strong team, while the rest are the sisters of the poor. Could you imagine playing teams in the Big 10, Big 12, Pac 10 or the SEC each week?

While I have no doubt that Patterson is a terrific coach, you still wouldn't win any one of those conferences other than maybe once every 10 years.

Good luck to your horned frogs this year. They are going to need it.

Oh, and I really doubt Gray or his family give a flip about what you think.

Texas >>>>>> TCU all day every day.

Carson said...

You know what the best thing about TCU is? When you see someone in a Frogs shirt somewhere you ask them what year they graduated, not what the sale price is on that burnt orange shirt they have on.

Sir Wesley Willis said...

I really doubt this was intended for Gray or his family.

D said...

year after year I see the same pointless arguments come from dumbshit UT fans like yourself Andrew.

First off...Texas is a state and UT is a University.

TCU's attendance. we've already won that debate.

StrengthSchedule. Rose Bowl. Also check out our top ten rankings from the past 5 years. I could care less what the fucking schedule is with those numbers.

and fuck you anyway, go back to orangebloods

Chris said...

OK seriously? Can you tell me what TCU stands for? From listening to you talk you have no idea. You "Hate" Texas? I know many people that have attended TCU and none of them would ever say they "Hated" someone. Why? Its not what a christian does. You sir are a poor representation of your school and your faith. Your obvious ignorance about the kids that come from Texas and your faith deem this blog completely irrelevant.

Zachary said...

Rabble rabble rabble...

Even as a horns fan i find this article funny. there is a lot of truth in this article, especially the part about the O-Line. I would like to see a UT vs. TCU in the near future. I think it could become a great rivalry game. that and TCU needs to catch up a bit. the UT's record against TCU is 60-20-1.

but seriously, TCU vs UT needs to happen soon. would be a great game

Andrew said...

Carson,

I graduated from UT in 2004 after my time in the service was over so go fuck yourself and you can take the most overused comment about UT and T-shirts ever devised and shove it.

Sir Wesley Willis,

Correct me if I am wrong, but remind me again of what the title of this 'article' is set as?

D,

I love the use of a single letter as a handle. So mysterious. No but really you can eabod.

-Texas, is what the University is commonly referred to being that it is the flagship school in the state.

-TCU's attendance is hardly anything to be proud of. Wasn't it last year that your beloved Horned Frogs actually sold out a home game for the first time? Now the stadium is/has gotten an upgrade... Smart move, no wonder why your business school is so highly spoken of.

-Seriously? You are going to cite one game, the final game of the year as your SoS? How about the rest of the schedule? Or how about addressing the elephant in the room that teams like Boise St. and TCU have played one, maybe two solid teams throughout the regular season thus are free from taking the beating from major Div 1 athletes over the period of an entire season.

Oh, and fuck you too D. The difference here is I actually like TCU and respect Coach Patterson. I just loathe 40% of the 20k total you have in fans/alumni.

You and the other degenerates here are simply jealous of the University of Texas (was that better? I spelled it out for you).

Any other wise words of wisdom from the masses of genius TCU fans... and those few alumni.

Zachary said...

Angry Poster is Angry ^^^

Andrew said...
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Andrew said...

Wait, because I used the word "fuck" I am angry? Sorry, maybe I should haveadded a few :) ;) QQ or other forms of emoticons in there.

Here's one for you...

/rolleyes

*double post

shortnkerley's said...

5-7.

James said...

Some funny points made in the article. Only a couple issues

1) 6th St is the shit, especially during college years. Only an idiot thinks otherwise. Sure it's a bit rowdy and gross....that's the whole point when you're 21.

2) Unlimited upside? You're still TCU (supposedly a "christian" school) and can't get 15K fans into your games. Sure TEXAS might not sell out 100K every week, but come on, you can't be serious that TCU has unlimited upside, can you? I'm pretty sure TCU maxed out this year, so good job on winning the rose bowl, but don't act like the team is getting better than what they were this year.

3) Book 'em Horns is played out. Find something that isn't 3 or 4 years old to bring to the table, seriously

Otherwise, it was a very good, article. Tired? Yes. Little jelly? Yes. Little butt hurt? Yes. But still a very good article.

Andrew said...

Lemme help you out.

5-7 brought us:

- A new and revitalized coaching staff.
- Kept all but one of our commits.
- Landed a very lucrative ESPN 300 mil TV contract.

Still 61-20-1

Ouch. A bad season and were still King of the state.

You all are really terrible. This is too easy.

Lyle Lanley said...

Oh, UT fans...

shortnkerley's said...

The "king of the state" didn't make a bowl game while tcu was celebrating in Pasadena, and their baseball team got knocked out at home by little Ole TCU on their way to Omaha. If losing seasons and getting ousted in regionals makes you king, then I'll gladly let you keep that title. All you can brag about is your big budget, large alumni and student body (that happens when you spend decades admitting everyone), and a revitalized coaching staff where you couldn't even land your top candidates bc they dont wanna play for your shitty head coach. Paul Chryst is still in Wisconsin and Manny Diaz was wayyy down the line of DC's desired. Congrats. You make fun of Boise, but you pick through their staff to get an OC? Hmmmm.

Oh, and there were plenty of Longhorns arrested within the past year, not 3-4 years (see Monroe, DJ).

killabytemusic said...

There must be a reason UT fans are coming to spitblood to comment... BUTT FUCKING HURT 5-7 BITCH ASS BAYLOR LOSING NON ALUMNI UP THE ASS TAKING "FANS"

killabytemusic said...
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SuperSweet HornedFrog said...

Austin is so weird and progressive

matt said...

soooo funny.....look guys tcu is a really nice school and the football program has done wonders in the last decade....and i'm really impressed that you guys are able to keep coach patterson, because he surely could be making more money with one big boys....
And that's just it....you are NOT one of the big boys....maybe someday, but not at the moment...and that's why Gray choose TEXAS!

shortnkerley's said...

Never seen a fanbase so full of themselves after a losing season. Oh wait, yes I have- Baylor fans. You guys are like Baylor fans.

BuckNasty said...

Zachary- appreciate your post. We all on this blog feels the same way.
And none of us on here are jealous of UT. The hatred comes from the lack of respect that UT fans give every other school in the country. There's always an excuse. When UT loses, It's never because the other team is better. Not all fans of ut are this way but the majority are. An good example if what I'm talking about is when we played ut and were winning and all you could hear from ut fans was " oh were gonna suck this year and our team is so terrible." eventually we got smoked and the chatter changed to "oh yall suck. Were so much better and are going to win the
NC." it's always that way and has always been. "oh we would have beat Alabama if colt played" well he didn't and you lost. Anyways I'm rambling and could go on and on. But ut will never get my respect until I see itback from them. Good luck Jonathan. No hard feelings from me. Just don't turn into self loathing ut prick like so many of the rest.

Zachary said...

Can't we all just get along? I mean we have mutual hatred for A&M, right?

BuckNasty said...

More towards Baylor than aggy. Can we get some Baylor fans on here to talk shit? Wouldn't be a party without the most delusional fanbase in all of sports.

Zachary said...

WOul be pointless because Baylor is now "Basketball University." remember?

Zachary said...

would*

Sir Wesley Willis said...

Who knew all it would take was Quidditch and losing a recruiting battle to drive traffic to the site?

Reed said...

Hey they dont call mack Coach February for nothing, right? WE TAKE 3 STARS AND TURN THEM INTO ROSEBOWL CHAMPS.

The weak schedule crap-talk is rediculous our record against the big 12 speaks for itself.

Also, check our attendence the last 3 years its been pretty impressive, so that arguement is equally as ignorant.

ALSO, THE NEW AMON G CARTER IS GONNA BE SICKKKK NASTY


FUCK YOU UT PEOPLE and take gray, we got GARY~! :)

VikingFrog said...

Congratulations to Gray.

Can't say I'd make a different choice. At least he didn't pull a Lebron and string us along.

The only reason I got my hopes up was because I googled Johnathan Gray on my iphone this morning while pooping and Google auto populated "Johnathan Gray TCU" for some reason so I got all excited and then was let down when I found the real news out.

CB 2013 said...

Congrats to Gray and ut. Too bad he didnt come play for the "irrelevant" Rose Bowl Champs. Sure hope he can actually last 4 years behind uts o-line. Would be too bad if he ended up like Tre Newton. Great player going to a good school. Should be fun to watch

13-0>5-7
Go Frogs

shortnkerley's said...

Sorry to burst your bubble this morning, Viking.

HFrog77 said...

TCU: 13-0
ut: 5-7

No matter how stupid and delusional you are, you can't change that.

shortnkerley's said...

UT- 2 great running backs, 0 decent quarterbacks...

Cro-magnon Frog said...

When I was pooping this morning I looked down and saw ut's football program.