Friday, February 25, 2011

A Heckler's Guide to the Weekend- Cal State Fullerton

If most of you are even remotely like me, and I'm assuming that quite a few of you are whether you want to admit it or not, you realize that one of the most entertaining things to do at TCU baseball games (other than watch Matt Purke humiliate hitters) is to try to get into the heads of our opponents. Due to the size of Lupton and the proximity to the players, especially those sitting on the first base line, this can be done pretty easily. Does anyone remember the guy for Arizona last season during the Regionals who had the RIDICULOUS stretching routine before he stepped into the batters box? Pretty sure that guy took one of the biggest verbal beatings I have ever heard. Heckling can be fun, but if any TCU fans yell "Get in the batter's box and shut up!" they should be banned from TCU sporting events for life. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just go type that into a thread on

Anyways, I didn't do extensive research on who to heckle for Fullerton, but the likely targets based strictly on proximity to the field and importance to the game are the pitcher and catcher, first and third base, right field, and hopefully you people in the party pavillion who are allowed to slam beers can belittle the left fielder so bad that he cries a la Daryl Strawberry on Monty Burns's softball team. So here are the targets, and fortunately for us the Fullterton page decided to let us see some of their personal information to make this process a lot easier.

Not too much negative to say about Nick. He's pretty damn good, however, you could always take the low blow and call him fat. He may not be fat anymore, but with a frame like that, you know that at one point in his life he was certainly a fat kid, and he's probably still sensitive about it. Also, despite being from California, his favorite team is the Yankees. FRONTRUNNER. The place he most wants to play in is Yokohama Stadium in Japan. Way to set your sights high, Nick.

Joe Terry. Obviously we could ask him if he's related to local celebrity and notorious big game choker Jason Terry. We could mockingly call him JET, and ask him if he is gonna blow it when the regionals start, much like Jason Terry does when the playoffs start. Ok, this is becoming an anti-Mavs tangent. I apologize. He models his game after Manny Ramirez and Hanley Ramirez, so he's obviously a lazy piece of shit who thinks he's awesome. Someone please ask him if his middle name "Mikal" is pronounced Michael. Ask him if his sister Brandi is THE Brandi, and if Ray J is also his brother.

First thing that comes to my attention. BIG FREAKING EARS. Right field GA hill sitters- please call him Dumbo, tell him to tuck his ears into his hat, ask him if he can use those as wings and fly away, etc, etc, etc. His favorite athlete is Tim Tebow, so do what you want with that, and despite being from Anaheim his nickname is Cowboy. Go figure.

Nice chin pubes, Anthony. He was a Fullerton bat boy growing up, and Aaron Rowand is his cousin. Tell him to run full speed into the fence and break his face like his cousin did. Oh, and he likes the band Linkin Park.

Ru-fi-o! Ru-fi-o! Ru-fi-ooooooo!!!!! Rufio plays the clarinet, piano, and tuba. Thank you very much, Tanida, for playing right into the stereotype. He also models his game after A's catcher Kurt Suzuki. Go figure. Favorite band- RASCAL FLATS. Nothing would be more intimidating than seeing some stubby Asian kid come up to bat to the gay Rascal Flats remake of "Life is a Highway".

Noe, yes Noe, pronounced No-E, is damn good, so he might not give us too many opportunities to heckle him. However, his name is dumb, he has somewhat of a Jersey Shore hairdo, and he's from East LA, so he probably knows Cheech and Chong. He has 5 siblings, so make sure to tell him that his dad needs to start wearing condoms or his mom needs her tubes tied.

His nickname is Pilly. I wonder if he's a pill popper? I say yes, so go with it. Despite being a pitcher, he models his game after Cleveland Indian's centerfielder Grady Sizemore. That makes sense...His favorite player is Chase Utley. I wonder if he ever wrote a letter to Utley asking him for a game of catch, much like Mac in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

First thing that comes to my attention- dumb face. Like Kellen Moore and Eli Manning had a kid and created this dumb face. He's 6'6, but he models his game after 5'10 Tim Lincecum, and judging by his picture, they indulge in the same substances. Not too much good info, but he's got an older sister named Dafne, so make sure to ask if she's hot/if she puts out/how she likes guys from Texas. The main problem for O'Connell is that he will most likely (blister pending) square off against Matt Purke, so he's fucked from jump street. Good luck with that, buddy.

So there you have it. Just a few Titans to heckle, and I'm sure once the weekend starts, certain players will stand out as tremendous douchebags and make the heckling choices a lot easier. I do advise all of you to print this sheet out, take it with you to the game, and keep it handy like a roster in order to break these guy's spirits.


EDGE said...

One of my personal favorite heckles (which requires some coordination and fan involvement)... is to pick out one guy on the team simply dub him as "momma's boy". after the announcer calls him to the plate, just slowly chant momma's boy until he steps into the batters box. It's pretty hilarious and really pisses off the player. used to do it at basketball games... but i would think it would work for baseball. give it a shot

William said...

I would GREATLY appreciate if you would do this for every home series. I was at the first series v. Kansas both behind the visitors’ dugout and more specifically I enjoy being next to the visitors’ bullpen, as well as the series against Fullerton in the same places. I was using classic heckling techniques and they were working quite well, but if I could have just a small bio on each player especially their pitchers would be amazing. I will make visitors’ pitchers ineffective.