Friday, October 15, 2010

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Spitblood Predictions: The BYU game

The Joseph Smith of the East

Another Friday, and it's time once again for you, the Spitblood reader, to voice your opinion on tomorrow's game. Final score, players of the game (for offense, defense and special teams), final attendance.

Frog Talk / Ask-a-Frog: The “Food Stamps for Sperm Game”


Well it's Hate Week, let's hear it-

Disciples of GP
..…so…Mormonism…pretty out there huh?

FKASchultzHater: Because of polygamy? Historically – polygamy isn’t so crazy….we just had the World Cup in South Africa whose current leader Jacob Zuma has 3 wives and 20 children


Disciples of GP: Wow, he looks pretty happy

FKASchultzHater: Over the course of history polygamy has been legal in almost every religion at some point (except of course Christianity)…in Islam you’re only allowed 4 wives, Mormons can take 7…

Disciples of GP: Mormons 1 Muslims 0

FKASchultzHater: As animals - humans are always evolving and finding better ways to adapt, if we have to tweak a religion here or there to better the Human Life we will – polygamy is still encouraged by some African governments to keep populations up - our own Libertarian Party says the American Government shouldn’t ban it

Disciples of GP: Maybe our Government should legalize polygamy, but only for smart and elite people. Only let superior males like us breed - or even better - require superior sperm be spread to the masses in order to better our country

FKASchultzHater: Actually makes a lot of sense, currently it’s the underprivileged and uneducated that have a lot of kids…therefore making our country dumber and poorer

Disciples of GP: True, we’re not going to get some brilliant scientist that could change the world by having a 14 year old crack baby get knocked up by a 28 year old meth addicted redneck


FKASchultzHater: It’s factual – and unfortunate: The dumb are breeding at astonishing numbers, but….

Polygamy would require that you “take care” of 20 or so wives – we don’t need that – we need the government to sterilize all the crack head mutants so they can’t reproduce…then women could buy superior super sperm from Big Brother…with Food Stamps

Disciples of GP: Food Stamps for Sperm…you’re 180-ing the foundation of our society: cash-for-eggs

FKASchultzHater: Imagine all the incredible accomplishments America could achieve without all the dumb people dragging us down

Disciples of GP: Instead of wasting time in Iraq we would have already conquered other planets


FKASchultzHater: My Suburban would be a spaceship by now


Disciples of GP: Take the depiction of the year 2010 from movies in the 1980’s – hover boards, flying cars, reality sex rooms….so far all we’ve created is iPhones and twitter…really???

But…..we did achieve major advancements in video games……hope you nerds enjoy the slightly better graphics on the exact same Madden video game I was playing on a Sega Genesis in 1993

Disciples of GP: Our brilliant American minds added more buttons to a video game controller – real smart advancement America - Nintendo Duck Hunt offered a more interactive gaming experience than X-Box


Disciples of GP: At least in the 80’s they had the imagination to project what the future would hold in 2010…Hollywood recently made ‘2012’…a daring look at 2 years in the future ….way to dream big

FKASchultzHater: Movie probably wasn’t too far off in terms of the future sucking - we’re digressing…just look at air travel – no more of this



Now my first class scotch is served to me by ‘Trevor,’ my ssssssuper excited flight buddy

Disciples of GP: Speaking of back in the day - why do these Mormons waste so much time on bicycles when they could be breeding with 7 different women

FKASchultzHater: Like most religions outside Christianity, you are supposed to “give up” or “sacrifice” something in return for some sort of promise…..

Muslims kill themselves with a promise of 72 virgins in the afterlife

Mormons ride bicycles in foreign lands for two years with the hope they can handle 7 wives

Disciples of GP: Blowing up innocent civilians guarantees you the 3rd base spot at the Hitler-Stalin-bin Laden blackjack table in Hell - I’m going Mormons 2 Muslims – 0

FKASchultzHater: You could just be a Christian and skip the “sacrifice” part


But be careful because sometimes Christians even get confused


Disciples of GP: Who else should be allowed to breed in our country?

FKASchultzHater: Well Tiger Woods and Brett Favre have been trying…they've understood this concept for years. Only one egg to impregnate is not helping anyone

Disciples of GP: Settled - so we will take super athletes into our club as well

FKASchultzHater: We should add some talented artist so we can enjoy good music down the road, and any elite wine makers, liquor distillers, and scientist (focusing on Xanax and energy) -but certainly no male waitresses

Disciples of GP: How could we enact such policies?

FKASchultzHater: I have some elite German blood in me and Germans are typically smart across the board but they somehow allowed a psychopath to lead them to Satanic acts against other humans. So I would imagine that the United States would be much easier to take over given that we are so dumb.

Disciples of GP: I think it’s easier to just form a religion based on elite breeding and then try to spread it around (like other religions – especially Mormons - are doing)

FKASchultzHater: It would be like the country club of Religions – everybody would want to join and we would reject most of them

Disciples of GP: I think these Mormons are on to something, what sort of brilliant mind came up with “magic underwear” to ensure all girls are virgins at marriage?

FKASchultzHater: Magic underwear and 7 wives? I might spend two years on a bike for that…


Hellllllllllo Romney’s!!

Disciples of GP: I’ll take this and asking for forgiveness on Sundays


FKASchultzHater: Agree, see you at Church…as for tomorrow…Christians 48 Mormons 10

Max Volume Preferred

This reminds me. I wasn't at the town hall, so I'll just make my shout out right here. Please update the sound system while you're doing electrical for the New Carter. A bigger TV would be nice as well. Maybe like a 46 or 50, foot.

Because this if our last official hate week for BYU and I don't have hours to waste during my workday to come up with some clever, well written post, I will leave yall with some images that popup when you google BYU sucks. Enjoy.









Game 7 Preview: The Hate Climax.


Much like yesterday, today also features it’s own set of technology fail variables that will result in cutting this preview pretty short, and apologies in advance for the shocking format fail that follows. Fortunately though, a couple of them are positive circumstances, such as setting up the new computer, a 4 touchdown spread, an offensively AND defensively terrible BYU team and the good karma afforded by the good vs evil matchup in Arlington this weekend. But, I wanted to at least get SOMETHING out there, so here goes nothin’.

What You Should Know About BYU in 2010:

Themz are not the BYU Cougars of your former self. By this I mean, this BYU team does not play either side of the ball particularly well. In the past, you knew you could at least expect a big game from Harvey Unga or Max Hall, and usually faced a relatively stout defense, but goodness gracious things have changed. The Cougars currently rank 90th in total yards per game, 83rd in passing yards – SHOCKING – 71st in rushing yards and 114th!!!!In scoring per game at 16.7 points. Kind of incredible to think that Gameday saddled up for this game last year and I didn’t bat an eye at cashing in all of my airlines miles and sleep 3 dudes in a hotel room to attend. But, clearly there have been some major losses on both sides of the ball – most notably Unga, Hall and TE Dennis Pitta – and stud QB Jake Heaps, for all his accolades, has not been able to put it all together yet. This could be a result of him being overrated, but more than likely its because his line protection has been ATROCIOUS thusfar as he has been sacked 14 times. They’ve also only scored 11 TDs on the yearand have been outscored 124-60 after the first quarter of games. That number suggests they wear down VERYquickly, whereas TCU has actually seemed to get stronger as the games wearon. Well, at least when they aren’tjumping out to 5 TD halftime leads, of course.

Repeat: Themz are not the BYU Cougars of your formerself. Seriously, they get beat by anaverage of 11 points a game… this is not how you build confidence heading intoa shaky campaign for independence, Bronco. Until last week, they ranked DEAD last in rushing defense. That is nuts. Jan Jorgensen stuffing runs is a thing of the past. Yes, I give credence to the fact that theyfired their defensive coordinator, putting Mendenhall in charge of such thingsand showed good results by shutting down a solid SanDiego State groundgame last weekend… but can lightning strike twice? I’m not so sure. Right now, BYU is giving up 225 yards pergame on the ground. They gave upsomething like 7 billion yards to Air Force in that 21 point loss. Give or take a few billion. The pass defense puts a little more fear ofJoseph Smith in people, giving up only 181 yards per… but as we’ve shown thisyear, if you can’t stop the run, you aren’t stopping our offense. Sure, you may slow it down some, but in theend you’re going to look up at the scoreboard while bending over to catch yourbreath and see 300 rush yards in the good guys column. Needless to say: if BYU can’t stop folks or score points afterthe first quarter, they’re going to be in for a LONG day.

NEWS FLASH: This isyour last chance for hate. I’m sure thisthought has crossed most of your minds, but has it really? Seriously, the gravity of this situation ispretty catastrophic – this is the very last time that any of us will be able tohate BYU with all of our hearts and minds on our own turf ever again. And for those of you who thought the doormight be left open for some future non conference matchups, then think againbecause as long as GP is in charge, and we hope that’s until he collapses onthe sidelines as an old man on a walker and oxygen that has been reduced towearing suspenders to keep his pants up and velcro shoes to keep them tiedbecause he lacks the energy to take care of that business after every singledown, we will not do BYU the honor of scheduling a non conference series. So this is it guys. After Saturday, no more FU BYU chants fromthe student section, or ridiculing THE QUEST. No more chants of Rulon Jeffs or dressing up in a long denim dress andstyling your hair into a bouffant to mimic the style trends of the mormoncommunity. No more making fun of themagic underwear and sunglasses. You’vegotta let it all out this weekend. Noholds barred. No mercy. They sure didn’t show any at Mountain Meadows…

As you’re all well aware, TCU fit giving running back HarveyUnga was kicked off the team in the offseason due to banging his girlfriend outof wedlock. I think I speak for men everywherewhen I say it definitely had to have been worth the trade off. They’ve now replaced him with a young man bythe name of JJ Di Luigi… so if you’re not ready to hear a shitton of Wario andKing Koopa references spouted by myself and potentially lyle lanley, then youmay want to avoid Section V altogether.

BYU Hate> Rangers Love/Yankees Hate. I had to remind myself of this the hard waythis week. My parents are coming up formy birthday and my dad put together some tickets for the Rangers game onSaturday. Now, I’m not the biggest fanof the baseball… but the Rangers are easily the team I’ve been a fan of thelongest as baseball holds some sort of mystique over every other sport when you’rea child and you’re just drawn to it. I’veeasily attended more Rangers games than any other team I’ve followed in my now27 years. Church youth group SixFlags/Rangers double features alone eclipse what I’ve done with the Frogs since2002, which is pretty incredible to think about. So, all that history, plus the rest of myfamily coming into town for the game definitely threw a temporary wrench in myplans for BYU Hate. Their 2-4 record didn’t’help matters, either. And honestly, hadit been any other year, I very well may have the leap and skipped the Frogsgame… but then I put it in perspective and the decision became extremelyeasy. There was no chance I’m missingthe Frogs last game against BYU. Nochance in hell. Tomorrow, the Rangersre simply another score to check on the iPhone. But I have a feeling a good portion of youguys are still very much on the fence about this. Lyle pretty much covered it all in his post,but we all need to remember that, deep down, no matter what happens, the Frogsare #1 in our hearts and minds and, no matter the rarity and magnitude of theRangers situation, we don’t need to be parking lot TV bitches when there’s aFrogs game going on. Respec.

Tomorrow will be the “style points” game we’ve all beenwaiting for. For half a season, the teamand staff has said the right things and done their best not to rub invictories. I don’t think that comes intoplay tomorrow. GP may have retracted hisstatements about BYU being careful what they wish for… but that’s just hispublic persona. Deep down, GP wantsnothing more than to come out tomorrow and put an absolute beat down on theCougars. Win by one point? Hog warsh. Once he has his foot on their throats, he’s going to crush their larynxand devour their souls. It’ll take agreat effort for a single runner to eclipse LT’s 406 yards in a game, but wecould EASILY exceed that number with a nice Wesley/Tucker/James/Dalton groundcombination tomorrow. I backed off lastweek and took the points for Wyomingand lost… not this week. These guys gotbeat by UTAH STATEfor goodness sake. Bad. This is going to be a blood bath. This will make ice truck killer on Dexter –sorry, just got into the show WAY behind schedule – look like an ice creamtruck man, ala Mr Tastee on Pete and Pete. This will make last week’s game look like a slap on the wrist. This could potentially be the biggest marginof victory in TCU history. Ok, so maybethat’s a little too ballsy of a statement, but you get the point. We called the dogs off last week; they’re going to be ravenous tomorrow afternoon.

That’s all I’ve got. See you all tomorrow.

Frogs: 55, Cougars 7.