First off, for the ten to twelve readers who have stuck with us during the presumed SpitBlood “off season,” I want to apologize for the lack of recruiting intro updates this week. My company decided that instead of taking us all to Vegas and staging a two day hangover disguised as a mock conference, we’d still have the conference, except this time it’d be via webcast. If there’s more of a gut-punch than sitting in on a heavy duty truck finance industry conference in front of your computer instead of in Vegas, then I invite you to share. Anyway, I fully plan on finishing up the class recap throughout the next couple of weeks while it still remains relevant, but in the meantime, I thought I’d share another lesson in SMU hate.
Here’s the situation: I go to a gym right near my house, and the gym just so happens to be right across the highway from SMU; in fact, If you look out the window immediately after exiting the elevator, you can overlook the entire campus. So, naturally you get a lot of riff raff of that sort patronizing the place. And last night, after leaving said gym, I walk out to my car to find THAT on my car – and if you can’t tell what THAT is from the unclear picture, just pull down your pants and imagine you’re not looking at a scared turtle from the current sub-freezing temperatures.
My first reaction was, “Haha, I get it, my car is dirty and someone thought it’d be funny to draw a big D on my car. You sure got me!” Then I noticed where it was located – right above my TCU Alumni sticker. Then I remembered that I live in Dallas in the SMU area. Then I noticed the intricate, veiny detail of said phallus which, even though I own one myself, I still couldn’t tell you what kind of topography it has. This made me jump to another conclusion – obviously the person who drew this on my car must have a more “intimate” knowledge of the male genitalia. Of course, the first person you think would have said knowledge would be a girl, right? However, how many non-drunk girls – and I say this because surely no one is capable of working out when they’re ‘drawing a dick on someone’s car’ drunk – do you know who would do such a thing?
Moving along, having already grasped that this was surely an SMU student or alumnus, I flashed back to a story about a certain ex-SMU quarterback who was rumored to have been infected by the gay – or maybe he beat up someone infected by the gay who was stalking him, I honestly can’t remember – and knew this quarterback must be the culprit. Think about it – given he’s an athlete, he probably still works out, and since this place is right near SMU, it’s a natural fit. Also, since's not playing in the NFL, he obviously must have a job, which would mean he couldn't go to the gym until after work. And even though he no longer plays for the Ponies, and he actually left in a bit of a huff I believe, given we beat him each time we faced him, he must still have enough TCU hate in his system to deface my automobile with his dude on dude pornography. While most athletes view the all-male locker room prison shower situation as a by-product of the job, it would appear that at SMU, this is probably the best part of playing the game. I mean, have you ever seen Bo Levi Mitchell? Kid looks like a gay Eminem - redundant. And he’s not even the quarterback I’m referencing above! June Jones certainly has a type.
So, where am I trying to go with this? This isn’t some homophobic rant, nor is this me saying that we should go out and temporarily deface the cars of any SMU alumni we see (although I’m not NOT saying that). This isn’t even me saying that I’m mad I had to drive home with a big, throbbing wang drawn on the back of my car. I’m just pissed off that the person who drew a dick on my car went to SMU.
And that’s today’s lesson in SMU Hate.