Thursday, November 18, 2010

Papa Bear On the Prowl.

I just wanted to put out a friendly reminder that if you're sitting around tomorrow and decide to check out any of ESPN's televisual or transistor programming, chances are you'll run smack dab into the middle of Gary Patterson Day in Bristol, Conn. Yes, as I'm sure you've heard, tomorrow Gary is taking part in the ESPN "Car Wash" which basically means by the end of the day he's going to be more hoarse than he has been after any football game. Yes, even last week's. If I have it right, GP will appear on the following programs:

  • Fat, Nutri-system Mike and Skinny, Other Boy's Penis Touching Mike in the Morning (8:45)
  • Colin "How the hell am I still employed? are we sure my show isn't the real "Shit my dad says?"Cowherd (noon-2)
  • The Scott Van Pelt Show... I don't really have much to say about SVP except that he's bald and likes golf and Maryland athletics a bit much for my liking.
  • The Doug "I Got bitch-slapped by Jim Mora" Gottlieb Show. Gottlieb just looks like a total prick, doesn't he?
  • SportsNation
  • College Football Live, where hopefully he'll bring his spit protecting goggles and prescribe Dr. Lou with an overdose of Morphine.
  • First Take, which I've never watched, nor heard of.
  • and, of course Sportscenter, itself.
I'm not sure why they call it the car wash exactly, but regardless that's a hell of a busy day and should garner us some MAJOR exposure on the World Wide.

I know what a lot of you are thinking, "Oh god, is it THAT bad that we have to go ESPN and beg them to cover us? Why are you making friends with the enemy Gary?" I totally understand these opinions, but I'm going to politely disagree.

For one, this is absolutely PERFECT timing for him to be there. The nature of the job only allows the coaches to head to Bristol on an off weekend for the team, so of course this is the only time he could possibly go, but considering this could go down as the most infamous bye week in the history of TCU Football, where else would you want him to be? Clearly ESPN has Boise on the mind even when TCU plays; how do you think they would've reacted to a Boise win this weekend on a TCU off week without Gary heading that way to put a bug in their ears?

Secondly, Boise plays tomorrow night on ESPN... can you possibly think of a better time for TCU to be all over ESPN's coverage than a day when Boise actually plays on the network? It's PERFECT! Every game for Boise is their biggest game of the season, so how fitting is it for ESPN to be airing all things GP and making their game a secondary story? Besides, after Boise wins tomorrow night we aren't going to be able to watch anything on ESPN until their game with Nevada next weekend, so may as well kick the boycott off with a bang, right?

And last, GP NEVER does this. Be honest, when is the last time you can remember GP taking a stance for us in such a public way? Not that he doesn't support our team, but he's always so cryptic and understated with it. But this year has been different, this year he has been fully on board and ready to go to bat for this team because he knows this is the best squad he's had since he came here. Some of you may see this as a last ditch desperation effort to keep TCU's name out, but I honestly see it as a Papa Bear protecting his cubs. This may be a controversial opinion, but in the past I think he has kept quiet because he secretly didn't want to upset the powers that be in the BCS world. Not that he hasn't been fully committed to TCU, but just because there were certainly other jobs out there that, if offered, he would've had to take a VERY hard look at. Besides, before last year TCU had never qualified for a BCS game, nor was there ever a real opportunity for a non-BCS school to make the title game. Why would you want to piss off your potential future employers when there's really nothing to gain for your current team?

Now though? He knows it's time. He knows that he can accomplish every goal he's ever set out to accomplish professionally in Fort Worth. He's getting a new stadium, he's getting the recruits, he's getting the attention and he knows he was half a second away from playing in Pasadena last year. It's time to unload with both barrels. So far this year we've seen diplomatic with a bit of an edgy side GP. Tomorrow? I hope we see the fiery, "I'm tired of being a step child" GP with his stingers out and the rage flowing. I hope he slaps Loue Holtzshth and tells him his accomplishments at Notre Dame were a once in a life time fluke. I hope he tells Mike Golic that no one cares about his opinions and stuffs other nerd Mike into a locker. I hope he drops his pants and uses Scott Van Pelt's forehead as toilet paper. I hope he belittles Okie Lite whipping boy and noted credit card thief Doug Gottlieb to the point that he quits his job and winds up covering girls field hockey in Terre Haute, Indiana. I hope he locks Lee Corso in his personal tanning bed and fries him like a piece of bacon. I hope he pulls down Kirk Herbstreit's pants on national television and shows the world that all he has down there is a curious smooth area like a a Ken doll, because you know he does. But most of all, I just hope he shows the world that TCU isn't a team to underestimate and that if you fuck with our ranking, you're going to end up with a pile of ashes where your house used to be and squat man with ill-fitting trousers holding a box of matches in your old front yard.


OkieFrog said...

I just hope he takes it to Cowturd. He's openly anti-non-BCS schools more than anyone in the world.

shortnkerley's said...

It should also be note that ESPN asked GP to come, not the other way around. It's not like GP called up there and was like "hey, it's my bye week. Mind if I stop by to speak my mind"? He's coming because they asked, but I agree and hope he pulls no punches. I almost want him to make a bunch of enemies there.

Slay Purple said...

Too bad he won't be on ESPNU's "The Experts" to talk face-to-face with David Pollack, the most anti-non-AQ asshole at ESPN

Sir Wesley Willis said...

Yeah I meant to include that in there re: they asked him to come - oversight.

Adam said...

I hope he drops his pants and uses Scott Van Pelt's forehead as toilet paper.

Thank you for that word picture.

shortnkerley's said...

I'd encourage GP to choke Pollack, but I'd hate for him to get another neck injury that ruins another career. Fuck that guy.

groundfrog said...

speaking of career-ending injuries, does anyone have a video of Brock absolutely murdering that SDSU kick returner?

CrabblerK3 said...

ESPN's barely watchable as it is. Tomorrow I make an exception. Long live CGP.

Matt said...

Are you posting the interviews if possible?

Matt said...

Are you posting the interviews if possible?