Thursday, October 14, 2010

Players to Watch/Hate/Heckle Relentlessly Week 7: BYU Cougars

This has been the toughest addition of Player to Watch to date. Not necessarily because they have a bunch of weapons, or because they are so versatile. They don’t, and they are not. The reason is because when I peruse the opposing rosters for names, stats, etc that stand out, there are usually only a handful of guys, like around 4 or 5 to choose from. BYU is a completely different story. First of all, it is the whitest combination of college football names you will EVER find. It makes the Princeton basketball squad look like the lineup for Showtime at the Apollo. Names like Ezekiel, Braden, Landon (twice), Jameson, Levi, McKay, Cole, Riley (twice), Houston, Graham, and Jadon. Without looking at the faces of these players I can guarantee you all of these guys are white. Very, very white. And those are just your extraordinary white names. Also sprinkled in through the roster are your typical Tongan/Samoan Mormon convert athletes they got (note to BYU: those guys are banging their girlfriends. Ask Harvey Unga). I will do one genuine player to watch, but 2 names stood out to me more than any others, and they deserve the brunt (along with Jake Heaps) of the Section V verbal assault…

Players to Watch: ZEKE, ZED, and ZANE Mendenhall

A couple things should stand out here. First of all, the names Zeke, Zed and Zane remind me of the Weird Al Yankovic song “Amish Paradise”. Second- the name Mendenhall. Unfortunately, they are not Bronco’s kids, however, I am not ruling out that they could be relatives, and neither should you. We all know the tendency for Mormon incest, so let’s assume that they are related to Bronco is some Deliverance, ass-backwards type way, and that is the only reason they are on the team.

Zeke- Brainwashing Mexicans since 2006.

Zeke is a 5’11, 212 lb. senior defensive back with only 4 tackles and a forced fumble on the year. He wears #30. His dad’s name is Buck, so I could see possibly that Bronco’s parents were complete redneck idiots and named their kids Buck and Bronco. Get it? He did mission work in Mexico, meaning he wore a fucking backpack and peddled his Schwinn from door to door asking poor Mexicans for their money in Spanish for a couple of years.

Zed- Rounding up Brazilian Mormons via horseback since 2007.

Zed, what the fuck kind of name is Zed, is a 5’11, 239 lb. sophomore RB, younger brother of Zeke, and son of Buck. Zed has 1 carry for 2 yards this year. He sucks, so he should be glued to the bench and in close heckling range. He wears #35. Zed went on his Mormon mission to Brazil, once again trying to suck the money out of people who don’t have very much as is. It also says he trains horses, so maybe he rode bareback from lean-to to lean-to peddling his delusional religion.

No Photo Available for Zane, so I went with this one of Billy Zane. Zane is currently MIA in El Salvador.

Zane, the youngest and crappiest Mendenall brother, is a freshman RB who is 5’9 190 and sucks harder than the rest of them. These guys are clearly a part of this team because their dad shares a wife with Bronco, or something flawed and twisted like that. He’s #47 and clearly doesn’t play, and I can’t find any mention of his mission work, so he’s either a terrible Mormon or so unimportant that they don’t bother to tout his propaganda spreading. Actually, as I read further into their website it says that he is current serving his mission work in El Salvador, so let’s make sure to let Zed and Zeke know that Zane has been captured in a coup by Juntas in El Salvador and the likelihood of him returning is on par with that of Natalie Holloway.

Real Player to Watch- Jake Heaps (QB, Fr. 6’1, 194- alleged cocky douchebag)

Jake Heaps

Piece of advice, Jake: Invisalign.

Heaps is about as highly touted a prospect to ever set foot in Mormon Country. He was the #1 QB in the nation last year and is ugly as shit. He has wolverine teeth like no other college athlete in the country. Seriously kid, BRACES! Anyways, he chose BYU over just about any school he wanted, so either he’s uber-Mormon or just a total moron. He’s experiencing growing pains this year that make Garrett Gilbert look like a poised veteran, as he has only thrown for 885 yards with 1 TD and 4 INTS. Great ratio, Jake. Keep up the good work. Also, rumors of him being a cocky shit and all around punk are running rampant through the BYU blogosphere, and just about anywhere else you read. I cant find anything concrete, but apparently after losing to Utah State at home, he was quoted saying he had there number all day, or something along those lines. Right, Jake. You really showed them! Also, apparently when picking lockers before the year it goes seniors first, then down in progression to freshmen. Jake apparently didn’t abide by the rules and thought he was so entitled and bad ass that he got the first pick. This also makes me think that if BYU players are crying like little bitches about locker selection then their problems run deeper than being 2-4. However, having been around the Mormon/Provo crybaby ways I am not in the least bit surprised that a few players went and played tattle-tale to the media and coaching staff. Like I said, they are 26 year olds with the minds of 12 year old boys. Anyways, I hope we rip Jake Heaps’ head from his neck and ruin their prospects for the future. Honestly, I hope he comes out cocky and running his mouth, because then it will be that much more satisfying when Tank Carder forces it to be wired shut after breaking his jaw with a nice helmet in his ear-hole. Look on the bright side- then he might actually get braces.


shortnkerley's said...

Sorry for the font fail under Zane. I could change it, but I'm lazy and don't feel like it.

D said...

News alert...

lazy ass shortnkerley's didn't change the font...

Middle Man said...

Dont forget the BYU employee that was on the instant replay review.