So, I think we can all agree that Mormonism is, for lack of a better word, just plain silly. Like, sillier than that religion that Tom Cruise and John Travolta are peddling. But, just like most silly things, just when you thought it couldn’t get any sillier… it does. After seeing this video, I wasn’t really sure how to give it the proper treatment on this here blog. Do I simply post it and let it speak for itself? Do I give a big, scathing manifesto about why Mormonism is a big sham? Do I take the high road and not post it at all (hahahahahahahaha)?
Well, somewhat yes to the first two, but a definite no to the last one. But no, I thought the best way to go about this is to use the method enacted by Bill Simmons in his least readable entries and do a running diary of my reactions to the video, with lots of snarky commentary, but far less references to the 1986 Boston Celtics or the Karate Kid.
Keep in mind, this video is clearly intended for CHILDREN. Away we go…
(0:05): Buffalo does not take kindly to these proclamations regarding trillions of other planets.
(0:10): So now I have to operate under the assumption that Mormons are, in fact, human? This troubles me. Also, if these gods were human BEFORE they were gods, then where did they come from? /chicken, egg’d.
(0:20): A spirit child? Looks like a pretty regular baby to me. Not real? Mom’s rack.
(0:31): Ok, Ok… so he was born and laying on that bed in front of a pretty normal looking lady… then he had to be born again to get a human body? What was the body he had before? Are we really just looking at a butterfly larvae here?
(0:33): “Through obidence to Mormon teaching…” Umm bullshit. Did you see that wistful look in his eyes? Homeboy totally got raped by that old man.
(0:45): I actually don’t have anything negative to say… Did you see that buffet of flesh Elohim has spread before him? Nice work. Although is a bit troublesome that they all look like they could be his daughter…
(1:00): Endless celestial sex, eh? Note to Harvey Unga – you blew your excuse!
(1:15): As if you couldn’t tell which son was going to be the favorite… Jesus has the hair and beard to match poppa bear there… Lucifer never had a chance with that little chinstrap and Bieber-do.
(1:35): Did you see that anger? Looks like GP in the locker room at halftime. Also, did they see how much banging Elohim go to do as a god? No way those guys turn down that opportunity.
(1:40): Jesus apparently thinks Lucifer is a bit of a comedian. Also, freedom of choice? Isn’t Jesus’ whole deal, at least according to law abiding Christians, pre-destination which is kind of the opposite of that? Whoa, that was kind of theologic of me… back to the schaudenfreude.
(2:05): There’s this ad in the bathroom of my gym that reads, “Too bad there’s no work out for growing your hair back.” Um, apparently joining forces with Lucifer does the job, so long as you don’t mind the horns that come with it.
(2:19): Ummm, I don’t think I have to say much more about this… but holy shit! Did you hear the anger in the narrator’s voice?
(2:35): Coming from experience, that really is how everyone from Provo looks. Lots of talent in those parts, too bad they don't know how to use it.
(2:40): Ok, so Elohim – who is the Mormon god apparently – was also Adam, the first human who doomed mankind to sin? This seems counterproductive to his climbing of the corporate ladder…
(2:52): If you look at those dimensions, Elohim is at least 9-10 feet tall. Manute Bol, you’ve been served.
(3:00): Do I even need to dispute the issues with Elohim HAVING SEX with the VIRGIN Mary? Where is Chris Anderson when you need him?
(3:15): Just so many problems here.
(3:35): So Jesus is really Christopher Columbus? Perhaps more than banks and postal workers should celebrate his holiday… and there was no Mormonism until 1492? A few thousand years late to the party, eh? /scoreboard’d
(3:40): So you’re Jesus, and you’ve been crucified and resurrected, and you have a chance to go hang out in heaven for eternity with your dad, or you can go to Oklahoma and hang out with the savages… which path would YOU choose?
(4:05): Can someone explain to me what happened? That escalated rather quickly, wouldn’t you say? At least the fight scene in Anchorman had some humorous context thrown in, no?
(4:20): His name in MORONi… does it need to be any clearer?
(4:30): When you’re trying to make a point about the guy who more or less founded your religion… perhaps you shouldn’t introduce him as a someone “known for his tall tales.” Just sayin’… that’s like Baylor introducing Scott Drew to NCAA investigators as their basketball coach known as a “texter of mass messages.”
(4:20): Wow, that concrete hole held up really well over 1400 years. Perhaps I should’ve hired Moroni to repair the foundation on my house?
(4:55): So all Christian creeds are an abomination, eh? And they wonder why most everyone frowns upon their beliefs… Also, again, why describe the doctrines as “peculiar” if you want folks to believe it? These guys need some better marketing tactics… I hear Sterling Cooper Draper Price is looking for opportunities…
(5:12): Hahahaha, I love how they have a question market next to Coca Cola. “What is this magical, syrupy substance that quenches the thirst and sharpens the mind?! Surely it must be from the devil!”
(5:16): Uh, what’s going on in that bathtub, bro? Those guys watching make me think Eyes Wide Shut may have been a pitch for Mormonism.
(5:30): So Elohim spent his early days banging a bunch of celestial sluts, then got to come to earth as the first man and help start the population boom, then he deflowered the Virgin Mary… and now he’s back in heaven judging your eternal soul? So… is Ron Jeremy viewed as a prophet to these people?
(5:45): So Mulder was right, we are NOT alone in the universe! I have a feeling these visitors aren’t as benevolent as ET… probably because they aren’t allowed to gorge themselves on M&Ms.
(6:00): And when they start telling me that I’m supposed to assume that the corpse of Max Hall living in Jerry Hughes’ cleats is going to be a god one day, then you know it’s the right time to end your video.
To be fair, these are the beliefs of a very small handful of Mormons and the ideas expounded upon here have been publicly neglected by the current version of the church, hence the title of Banned Mormon Video… but whew boy, when the creator of this video gets to the Pearly Gates, he’s gon’ have some ‘splain to do.