Wednesday, October 13, 2010

BYU Hate Round 2: Spitblood Provo Trip

Too easy...

I’m sure most of you have heard Sir Wesley, WWHD, Bucknasty, or myself vent plenty already about how horrible Provo and the BYU fan base is. However, there may be some newer readers who aren’t familiar with the tales of our 2009 trip in Mormon country, and I’ll try to add in a few details that may not have been mentioned before due to the black spot in my memory caused us draining a bottle of Barenjager in less than 30 minutes before the game started. So, please pardon me for being somewhat repetitive here, but I hate BYU so much and I want the world (spitblood world) to know it and bask in their hatred with me on Saturday afternoon. I’ll try to do this somewhat chronologically, so you can follow me along with every hateful step.

Friday Night

So Sir Wesley and I land in Salt Lake City, which actually seemed like a pretty sweet place that wasn’t entirely overrun by Mormon fun haters as there appeared to be somewhat of a nightlife scene there. We got to look around SLC for a while because we were awaiting the arrival of WWHD, who if I remember correctly was in the midst of a bender that consisted of work/party trips to both Vegas and San Francisco or something like that.

We finally arrived in Provo probably somewhere around 10pm. I really don’t remember the times, but we’ll go with that. Our first instinct was to find a Wal-Mart and get supplies to make signs for College Gameday the next morning. We found the Wal-Mart, but we underestimated the sober dorkiness of the BYU student fan base as it seemed that half of the student body was roaming the “Arts and Crafts” section of that store. Not only that, but these nerds were so filled with pep and chatter, decked out in BYU gear, with face paints, blue wigs, pom poms, etc the night before the game! They were so peppy you would’ve sworn they were all jacked up on Mountain Dew, but we all know better. They were high on life, because they’ve been brainwashed. Needless to say, we got our supplies and hit the exits pretty quick, and they hung around Wal-Mart on a Friday night until it was lights out at 10:30 for them.

Saturday (A.M)

Corso=Right. Herbstreit=Wrong.

5 a.m.- Enter Bucknasty and female bucknasty. Waking up this early was hard, but we had to do it if we wanted to get into College Gameday which starts at 8am MT. We wander down to their location, which is conveniently very close to our Holiday Inn Express, and see a line a few thousand people long going down the street full of uppity Mormons anxiously awaiting gameday. Fuck. We are NEVER going to make it in there. We woke up early for nothing. Not only that, but some jack ass dressed like Larry The Cable Guy in a coonskin cap starts mocking us for being from Texas, asking if we rode our horses in. We are quick (but not as quick as we should’ve been because it was so early) to remind him that we go to school in the city, not some rural butt-fuck of an incest ridden community like Provo. I guess Real God, not Joseph Smith, felt bad for us at that point, as he guided us to some Frog fans who had spots in the front of the line. We get up in line next to them, GET THE POLICE CALLED OVER BECAUSE WE WERE “CUTTERS”, but since we lie and Mormons don’t, we lied our way into saying we’d been there the whole time and keep our spots. Christianity 1, Mormons 0.

We get inside the Gameday gates after the gatekeepers take such signs as “Joseph Smith Proved Nothing”, and “”. Can’t advertize. Then we realize we’ve got about 2 hours of standing, surrounded by mormons, completely sober, before the show even starts. Around this time, Bucknasty gets attacked by 2 gentle mormons who shred his sign “Forget Missionary, we do it Froggystyle”. WWHD then proceeds to ask the raging BYU fans “Are you drunk?” Their rebuttal- “Are you ugly?” What are you supposed to say to that? Damn intolerant Mormons; at least they didn’t get the “Where’s the Beer?” sign, our last remaining sign. BYU police come up to us, ask Bucknasty what they want him to do with the attackers, and Bucknasty says something along the lines of, “nothing, but if they do it again I’m gonna beat their asses.” Clearly not the expected response from the Mormon crowd, but still damn funny. That just about covers anything interesting that happened at the Gameday set, but on our walk back, we cross the street illegally and have a group of about 10 BYU fans scream and yell at us for Jaywalking. FREAKING JAYWALKING!!! I mean, there is being by the book, and then there is just being a bunch of complete tools. You would’ve thought we were had stolen a purse from an old lady and beat her and left her for dead the way they yelled at us.

Saturday (P.M.)

Starts with lunch at TGI-Friday’s, which I’m pretty sure was the only place in Provo that served alcohol, and conveniently shared a parking lot with our hotel. Drink there with lunch, a lot. Non Mormon/trashy hot waitress is impressed with us- everything about us. We promise to come see her after the game. Our next move was to find a liquor store in Provo, or around Provo. That was like trying to find Bin Laden. We got there though, and bought liquor “sneak treats” for the game, as well as a bottle of Barenjager. For those who haven’t had Barenjager, proceed with caution. Down that, as well as our remaining beers in the hotel room while watching Tennessee CHOKE against Bama. So, we head to the stadium (that has ZERO tailgate scene by the way) with flasks in tow. Entering the stadium BYU fans all around are telling us how impossible it is to get liquor into their stadium. So I put my flask in my pocket, hand the guy at the gate my ticket, and make it in unscathed. Real tough on booze there, BYU.


First instinct while inside the stadium is to find the concession stand, buy a coke, dump half of it out, and fill it with whiskey. Here’s the catch- there is no coke. Only diet caffeine free coke. Oh well, it does the trick. Game commences, we start the slaughter, the booze, rage, and sweet taste of victory become very abundant early in the game, and the “undercover cop” in front of us wearing a skin tight black T and more hair product than Pauly D turns around, pulls his badge necklace out, and threatens to throw Bucknasty in jail. For what, being too good at football? For being too loud and rude while we are crushing your hopes and dreams? Either way, he had a badge, so we toned it down. Later that game, when it’s REALLY ugly and BYU fans begin to openly resent the fact that there are TCU fans there drunk and celebrating, they start to fire insults our way. At one point, walking down the aisle with Bucknasty’s white woman, some sk8er boi yells out “nice mom jeans!” I automatically assume this is directed at me, because I am wearing jeans. In hindsight this could have very easily been yelled at the female I was walking with. We will never know, but I go up and decide to tell these guys they are just bitter because we are beating their asses so badly, etc. They don’t seem to like that, because at the end of the game while WWHD and I are waiving an enormous TCU flag in victory, I sarcastically remark “good game” as they walk by us and towards the exit. The guy freaks out and grabs me by the neck in a typical sober Mormon rage blackout. I laugh my way through this entire process as older BYU fans pull this guy away and apologize. That’s pretty much how the game ended.

Post Game TGI-Fridays

So, as promised we revisit our favorite woman in Provo, TGI-Erin, the slutty hot waitress. Not much interesting happens there, but we were told by TGI-Erin and the Friday’s bartender, a BYU student (hypocritical), that we have drank more alcohol at that restaurant than anyone else ever had before. SCOREBOARD! Longevity was quite a factor as well though, since we calculated that we spent close to 8 hours there.

Basically what I am getting at is this: BYU fans are childish. They argue and pick fights like a 12 year old would. They get mad at you for “cutting” and jaywalking, call you ugly, make uninformed jokes about how everyone in Texas is a stupid redneck, and basically anything else a kid would do. They are sore losers, bitter fans, and if there is one thing that being around BYU fans has taught me over the years more than anything it is that they are remarkably intolerant and hypocritical. Now one could say that everything I have said about BYU is intolerant, and I’ll agree. I don’t deny that, but these people preach how accepting and great they are, but in reality they are just like any other football fans or human beings, except they don’t get to drink in victory or drown their sorrows in defeat. My guess is they just go home and either A) beat the shit out of their pet, B) play a bunch of war video games online so they get to kill, or C) go from house to house and Anger-Bang each one of their wives. Go to Hell, BYU, I hate you.


Mahbal said...

You, Sir, are ugly.

Mr. Bubbakins said...

Big Love is a great show, anyone know when the new season starts?

Little moe with the gimpy leg said...

what a beating, buy great story! SLC should be a great time

BuckNasty said...

And the cops did take my "Where's the beer sign" toward the end of gameday. They blamed it on ESPN but i call total bullshit on that one. I know a guy, who knows a guy, who asked Chris Fowler about the sign, and his exact words were "We couldn't find any either". Ah, f-ing Provo.

tarheelio said...

I had to chime in. I am a Tarheel (raised there and went to UNC), but I went to grad school at Utah. As a Heel, I don't hate Duke, I even have a little respect for them. As a Utah grad, I fucking hate BYU.

Your comments about Provo are tame, you could have been much more harsh. They are tools, they will narc you out for nothing and then sneak your liquor. I am an adult and never look for fights, but the BYU tools bring out the best in me. When Utah had college gameday against BYU a few years ago, I had to beat a BYU fan with his 20 ft long BYU flag. Later in the day I passed out beers to the BYU band, yes, some of them took the beer. Then they got to see me swallow a tiki torch, surely scaring them for life.

How bad is BYU and Provo? Most of the mormons can't stand them. BYU folks think they are the best mormons. Mormons from outside of Utah cannot handle Utah mormons - and most Utah mormons cannot handle BYU/Provo/Utah County mormons.

Good stuff. Let's both stay undefeated 'til November.

Tobe said...

So is this a special level of venom, or do I get to look forward to something similar for my Utes in a few weeks? ;-)

JC said...