I’m sure most of you have heard Sir Wesley, WWHD, Bucknasty, or myself vent plenty already about how horrible Provo and the BYU fan base is. However, there may be some newer readers who aren’t familiar with the tales of our 2009 trip in Mormon country, and I’ll try to add in a few details that may not have been mentioned before due to the black spot in my memory caused us draining a bottle of Barenjager in less than 30 minutes before the game started. So, please pardon me for being somewhat repetitive here, but I hate BYU so much and I want the world (spitblood world) to know it and bask in their hatred with me on Saturday afternoon. I’ll try to do this somewhat chronologically, so you can follow me along with every hateful step.
So Sir Wesley and I land in
We finally arrived in
5 a.m.- Enter Bucknasty and female bucknasty. Waking up this early was hard, but we had to do it if we wanted to get into College Gameday which starts at 8am MT. We wander down to their location, which is conveniently very close to our Holiday Inn Express, and see a line a few thousand people long going down the street full of uppity Mormons anxiously awaiting gameday. Fuck. We are NEVER going to make it in there. We woke up early for nothing. Not only that, but some jack ass dressed like Larry The Cable Guy in a coonskin cap starts mocking us for being from
We get inside the Gameday gates after the gatekeepers take such signs as “Joseph Smith Proved Nothing”, and “spitbloodtcu.com”. Can’t advertize. Then we realize we’ve got about 2 hours of standing, surrounded by mormons, completely sober, before the show even starts. Around this time, Bucknasty gets attacked by 2 gentle mormons who shred his sign “Forget Missionary, we do it Froggystyle”. WWHD then proceeds to ask the raging BYU fans “Are you drunk?” Their rebuttal- “Are you ugly?” What are you supposed to say to that? Damn intolerant Mormons; at least they didn’t get the “Where’s the Beer?” sign, our last remaining sign. BYU police come up to us, ask Bucknasty what they want him to do with the attackers, and Bucknasty says something along the lines of, “nothing, but if they do it again I’m gonna beat their asses.” Clearly not the expected response from the Mormon crowd, but still damn funny. That just about covers anything interesting that happened at the Gameday set, but on our walk back, we cross the street illegally and have a group of about 10 BYU fans scream and yell at us for Jaywalking. FREAKING JAYWALKING!!! I mean, there is being by the book, and then there is just being a bunch of complete tools. You would’ve thought we were had stolen a purse from an old lady and beat her and left her for dead the way they yelled at us.
Starts with lunch at TGI-Friday’s, which I’m pretty sure was the only place in
First instinct while inside the stadium is to find the concession stand, buy a coke, dump half of it out, and fill it with whiskey. Here’s the catch- there is no coke. Only diet caffeine free coke. Oh well, it does the trick. Game commences, we start the slaughter, the booze, rage, and sweet taste of victory become very abundant early in the game, and the “undercover cop” in front of us wearing a skin tight black T and more hair product than Pauly D turns around, pulls his badge necklace out, and threatens to throw Bucknasty in jail. For what, being too good at football? For being too loud and rude while we are crushing your hopes and dreams? Either way, he had a badge, so we toned it down. Later that game, when it’s REALLY ugly and BYU fans begin to openly resent the fact that there are TCU fans there drunk and celebrating, they start to fire insults our way. At one point, walking down the aisle with Bucknasty’s white woman, some sk8er boi yells out “nice mom jeans!” I automatically assume this is directed at me, because I am wearing jeans. In hindsight this could have very easily been yelled at the female I was walking with. We will never know, but I go up and decide to tell these guys they are just bitter because we are beating their asses so badly, etc. They don’t seem to like that, because at the end of the game while WWHD and I are waiving an enormous TCU flag in victory, I sarcastically remark “good game” as they walk by us and towards the exit. The guy freaks out and grabs me by the neck in a typical sober Mormon rage blackout. I laugh my way through this entire process as older BYU fans pull this guy away and apologize. That’s pretty much how the game ended.
Post Game TGI-Fridays
So, as promised we revisit our favorite woman in
Basically what I am getting at is this: BYU fans are childish. They argue and pick fights like a 12 year old would. They get mad at you for “cutting” and jaywalking, call you ugly, make uninformed jokes about how everyone in