Thursday, September 9, 2010

Player to Watch Week 2: Tennessee Tech

This one was a tough one. How do you pick a player to watch from a team that just got beat 44-3 in their opener by Arkansas and isn't even an FBS (is that still what they call it?) program? I looked at their statistics, and obviously nothing jumped out at me. I looked at last years stats, and most of the players who did anything a year ago didn't do shit last Saturday or are gone. However, I found 2 players to watch, or heckle, in week 2's game against Tennessee Tech.

Player #1: Cass Barnes (Sr. QB?, 6'2 185)

Cass. What a sweet name...

I really don't know what to call this guy. He's listed as a QB on their roster, but in previous years has played both WR and QB. And then last game, he was second on the team with 8 carries and led the team with 31 yards rushing, and attempted 1 pass. Last year, this "Quarterback" appeared in 8 games and threw only 4 passes...all season. He connected on 1 of those. He did have 2 rushing touchdowns last year on 21 carries. Although he was once listed as a receiver, he has only caught 5 career passes. Since I have never seen this team play, and probably never will again, I am going to assume that Cass is some sort of Wildcat QB who just takes snaps and runs, and not much else.

To be completely honest, I really don't care. I don't care anything about this guy. The only reason I chose him is because he appears to play, and HIS NAME IS CASS!!! What the hell kind of name is Cass? Is it short for something?? Cassidy? Cassandra? Ok, now that I look at the team website, I find out that his name is short for Cassius, like Cassius Clay. Well, Cassius, even the great Cassius Clay changed his name, so maybe you should too. Can you imagine the Heavyweight Champioin of the World ever going by "Cass"? Didn't think so. So, if you're bored with the 63-0 route in the 3rd quarter and don't want to retreat to the parking lot and be a real fan, somebody please go harass this guy to no end for going by Cass. I'm looking at you, Texas Hammer.

Player #2: Charlie Seivers (Sr. DE, 6'3 250)

Thanks for spicing up the Tennessee Tech game, Charlie.

Charlie is a team captain. He is also a starting defensive end and one of the "strongest players on the roster." He is a team leader and one of the hardest workers on the team. He has been preseason all-conference in the past. He made 2 tackles last game.

None that interests me. I don't care that he's bulimic and I don't care that he's bilingual. What does interest me, however, is that we have a spitblood insider who has been scouting Mr. Seivers for quite a while now. Spitblood has eyes and ears everywhere, so opponents beware...

Time to get personal (for heckling purposes):

  • His father was an All-American at UT (the one in Tennessee).
  • He has a smokin hot sister. Hot sister heckling, if it's accurate, is always appreciated. Facebook stalking of the sister is encouraged.
  • He almost died from a mosquito bite in 7th grade. People die from mosquito bites in Africa and on Oregon Trail. That's it.
  • His ex-girlfriend shit her pants on occasion when she gets drunk. Sources close to me say that he has never actually been shat on, but there was possibly an aqua dump that occured as well.
I couldn't make this stuff up, people.