Friday, September 17, 2010
Disciples of GP: To the uninitiated...Baylor girls are thought to be prude and repressed, but if experience counts for anything, most are closet whores once outside the Waco city limits
FKASchultzhater: I was initiated once...then she asked me to go to church in the morning.....
Disciples of GP: Let’s all get initiated into the Closet Whore Bear Club (CWBC) this weekend, I’ll lend some tips...actually just one...act like you’re in High School...
Disciples of GP: She will act conservative, and might even tell you she is a virgin - all you have to do is act like the Bad Boy new kid in town and isolate her from the Band Geeks - in this case her Baylor guy friends - within no time you’ll be christening a Lot 3 porta potty - but be prepared for what you might hear...
FKASchultzhater: Let me guess...
Gasp (heavy breathing).....I’ve never done this before
Gasp.....This is my first time
Gasp....I can’t believe we’re doing this
Gasp....lift me up higher you pussy...harder....HARDER...
Gasp.....I really can’t believe I’m doing this, this is soooo crazy
Gasp....Pull my hair...NOW bitch (as she slaps you)
Disciples of GP: Exactly...what you might be thinking at this point is “holy shit, this girl might bite my fireman off and she just called me a bitch”...but don’t be worried about your red rocket my friends - you are in the hands of seasoned vet of the CWBC
FKASchultzhater: Can’t wait, so what do you know about the enemy?
Disciples of GP: Well in the 1890s Baylor officials were importing South American children recruited by missionaries and making them house-servants
FKASchultzhater: No fucking way...
Disciples of GP: And who can forget the 2003 BU basketball player that murdered his own teammate leading to the resignation of the head coach who tried to hide the fact he was making improper payments to players by characterizing the murdered player...as a drug dealer
Disciples of GP: I've got more. In Baylor’s 1926 homecoming game against A&M, the halftime float parade ended with a BU student KILLING an A&M student by hitting him in the head with a chair.
The pissed off A&M Corps (fake military) returned to College Station, mounted a cannon on a flatbed rail car, commandeered an engine, and prepared to attack the Baylor campus...unfortunately the Texas Rangers got wind and prevented an actual massacre
FKASchultzhater: The Rangers, you mean these guys?
Disciples of GP: If all Baylor girls are CWBC members, then how do so many manage to get married before they graduate?
FKASchultzhater: They settle...Baylor is like a big high school, but for our lovely CWBC girls bristling with potential – this high school is full of guys that auditioned for the show Glee...some examples
1. Trevor - the “nice guy” friend – always in the friend zone, Trevor overcompensates for his awkward social insecurity by being nice to the point it’s uncomfortable...unfortunately for the girl he is engaged to - he is still in the closet and the ring he gave her is simply a gesture to please his parents
2. The Lurker - isn’t gay, but may act gay...i.e. doesn’t drink, have sex, etc...he finds ultimate success by “lurking” around long enough to find the girl with mass anxiety over graduating without being married – the Lurker turns this anxiety into a relationship – tainting her gene pool
3. The Closet Lurker - just like the Lurker, but actually Elton John gay.....this Bear always dates the hottest CWBC girls for appearances......look for this guy’s girl to be leaving a Lot 3 porta potty with disheveled hair 30 minutes before kickoff
Disciples of GP: ....so I take it you don’t have many friends from Baylor in town for the game
FKASchultzhater: Look, I pretty much hate Baylor people - just every fucking thing about them...imagine relocating SMU to some small Texas town, replace the Northeast Coast - cokeheads with Abercrombie, shell necklace, youth group blowhards from suburban mega churches and then do the worst thing of all.......put them in the Big 12
Posted by WWHD (What Would Hughes Do) at Friday, September 17, 2010