Friday, September 3, 2010

Frog Talk / Ask-a-Frog: The Bitch Slap Game


Something tells me the Frogs are about to go U

Well, T-minus 24 hours and counting…let’s get loose with it....

FKA SchultzHater: I heard there are lots of orange beavers running around Downtown these last few days, what sort of people are we dealing with this week?

Disciples of GP: I know it’s been great, rush just ended last week, freshmen girls can go out

FKA SchultzHater: No way….you know how I know your creepy?

Disciples of GP: The fact I dress up as Harry Potter and play Quidditch

FKA SchultzHater: Dude, you’re over 25 and know when sorority rush ends, were you in Fort Worth last weekend? Is this you….

Disciples of GP:
The Beavers are from Corvallis, OR, a city that claims to be one of the 13 best towns to be a vegetarian, 9th most bicycle-friendly city in the nation, and 15th most creative city in the nation. Last year Corvallis High School won $20,000 in a sustainability contest "America's Most Eco-Friendly School”…I can’t make this shit up…we’re playing a bunch of tree hugging hobbits this week.

FKA SchultzHater: Global Warming is a Hoax

Disciples of GP: Huh?

FKA SchultzHater: For another time, what about the Frodo and Bilbo Rodgers?

Disciples of GP: Those guys are from Richmond, TX, tough home of the Jaybird-Woodpecker War (cutely named by a "half-crazy" black man who was said to incoherently sing about jaybirds and woodpeckers). This post reconstruction conflict between the white “Jaybirds” and black “Woodpeckers” resulted in so much death and violence the governor declared martial law and--

FKA SchultzHater: What the fuck are you talking about?

Disciples of GP: How in the world did they convince 2 stellar H-town rep-in’ Screwston football stars to go to Peace and Love, Oregon? I mean have you Google mapped this 50,000 person tree house? It’d take 8 connections on Southwest to even get within a 10 hour drive of the place, and Houston doesn’t even have the Wright Amendment.

FKA SchultzHater: The Rodgers Brothers are sick but I’m not worried about these tree hugging Bob Marley/Ricky Williams want-a-be transplants, Patterson has always been brilliant at shutting down top RB’s in big games: Just ask the Adrian Peterson.

Disciples of GP: You reek of the confidence only GHB at a rave inspires, you have a prediction?

SchultzHater: I am on lots of scotch and xanax and Utah just won (strength of schedule fist pump) much confidence right now.

Look - if you’ve ever owed a Bookie more money in a week than what you make in a month and resorted to turning tricks in back alleys to keep your kneecaps……then you learned the hard way that Vegas doesn’t fuck around when they lay down point spreads…. and Vegas says we win by 14 points.

Any other prediction on this game is a feeble attempt at TV ratings or selling newspapers, it's complete trash….in the world of Fiat Money follow the MONEY TRAIL…..and this one leads to VEGAS.

Disciples of GP: So you’re predicting 14 exactly?

SchultzHater: Look, we have over 30 seniors and “really” only lost 3 starters last year, were gonna be pretty fucking good, but fuck being good, I just want this team to go “U” on people this year….

Disciples of GP: In. You thinking 1980’s Miami Hurricanes or early 90’s Cowboys?

SchultzHater: Either one……having a dominate football team that is modest is like having a rich friend that doesn’t pick up the tab and drives a Hyndai. I want my rich friends to ride their pet tigers to get their mail in the morning, try and corner the world’s cocoa bean market, and have harems in every country.

Disciples of GP: Let’s just make it official: this year’s team motto is “bitch slap” because that is what we have to do to everyone we play if we want a shot at the NC. Winning won’t be enough- we need to dominate like Tyson pre-rape conviction…or better yet, like Tyson during said incident that led to conviction.

"I want to kill people. I want to rip their
stomachs out and eat their children"

The highlights and scores from our games need to convert Slipknot to Christianity. I’m talking posting Russian billionaire numbers complete with yacht heli pads big enough to import 300+ hookers along with your pet panthers while enroute to St. Moritz’s White Turf where you’ll wager the Shroud of Turan against the Sheik of Saudi Arabia’s Ghawar Field in a 3-day superfecta.

Shall we talk attendance at Cowboys Stadium?

SchultzHater: I’m hearing 45,000 – 50,000 - the whole 4th deck will be covered up and leave the total capacity at 51,000 – see below

Disciples of GP: Not bad

SchultzHater: Yeah, think how cute our spirit pumpers will look in HD

Disciples of GP: WOW, this makes me want to lose a months salary to a bookie this week- Giddddy Up!!!

ShultzHater: So Oregon State Co-eds are coming to town- tall I can think of are hairy lesbians that like hiking, protesting, drinking organic coffee, and asking for me to donate them sperm.

Disciples of GP: Judging from the pics they are all attention whores with daddy issues….in other words- perfect!

Alum Meredith Phillips.................................................Alum Jodi Ann Paterson

Bachelorette (some reality TV deal)..........................2000 Playmate of the Year

Alum Sara Jean Underwood 2007 Playmate of the Year

Shultzhater: The “half your age plus 7 rule” doesn’t apply when dealing with daddy issues…..but I bet you and Hefner are already well versed in this exception

Game Relavent Youtube Fun:

For the aging Frat stars who remember the Aardvark before it was so sunlight friendly

Can't figure out how you missed this?? 3 theaters. 3 weeks. $17,365 box office gross


SuperSweet HornedFrog said...

Nice Alligator Dave shout out

Spit Purple said...

That guy can play a mean game of ping pong