Monday, August 30, 2010

Pre-game Opponent Hate: Oregon State

I kind of wish we were playing Oregon instead, because I could fill the pages of War and Peace with reasons to hate Oregon (jerseys, jailbirds, Mike Belotti’s porn stache, etc.), but instead, we are playing their fat, ugly (black and orange, really?) worthless sister, the Oregon State Beavers. You can’t fault them for being so insignificant in comparison to Oregon. I mean, Oregon can flaunt their Phil Knight Nike money and facilities at recruits. Oregon State has, well, I don’t know- former loud-mouthed championship ring chaser Gary “The Glove” Payton? Yeah, that guy is pretty hateable as well, but I digress. Generally, people and teams in the Pacific Northwest are too passive or apathetic to hate, so I’ve broken this down into 3 segments of why Oregon State is a very worthy hate-filled opponent.

1) Presidential Hate-

Craig Robinson (AFP OUT) U.S. President Barack Obama watches along with his mother in law Marian Robinson (2L) wife first lady Michelle Obama (3L) daughter Sasha Obama (3R), brother in law Craig Robinson (2R) and daughter Malia Obama (R) during a college basketball game at George Washington University November 28, 2009 in Washington, DC.  President Barack Obama attended the game between George Washington University and Oregon State, which is coached by his brother in law Craig Robinson.

Stimulus Job

Craig Robinson, head basketball coach for Oregon State- I will not refer to them by their mascot name until #3, because then they get what they wanted- is the much more feminine, less broad shouldered brother of Michelle Obama. His first season as Oregon State’s coach? 2 years ago. How fitting. You can choose to see this one of 2 ways. Either Oregon State hired Little Michelle in hopes of Tebow-style media whoring out their program and drawing publicity to a program that has just sucked beyond belief for my whole lifetime, or Barry O used his clout as President and wannabe basketball aficionado to place a family member into a somewhat high-profile job. I wont get too balls deep into politics here, but this job looks to me like a free handout to a family member who probably isn’t deserving of his position. Furthermore, if you read Robinson’s bio page on the Oregon State athletic site, they talk about this guy like he’s Coach K and in the process of bringing life this program. You went 18-18, good for 5th in the Pac-10, which is a shitty conference, so please get off your knees and wipe you chin. Enough is enough. But if you’re rooting for mediocrity, then maybe Oregon State will re-up his contract in 2012 and the country can re-up Obama as well.

2) Meat-Head Hate-

Naked OSU football player squares up, cops tase him

Is that you Jared Allen? No, that's just a drunk nudist.

Tyler Parick Thomas, the drunken, mullety, ogre of a reserve Offensive Lineman mentioned in previous weeks for his arrest, has been dismissed from the team. First of all, if you are getting dismissed from the team for something like this, then clearly you are not that important. Look at Texas, Ramonce Taylor and Sergio Kindle stuck around that program wayyy longer than they should’ve been allowed to. Their rap-sheet combined probably rivals that of Roland “Wee-Bey” Brice (The Wire reference, sorry for those who don’t follow). Anyways, back to Thomas. Somehow this clown broke into a 32 year old woman’s house, naked, and then when the police showed up to take care of the situation he went down with 2 feet and 1 hand on the ground. Either he was getting his prison stance ready or he was getting in a 3-point stance and into attack mode. Turns out it was attack mode, because this mulleted Mensa-Clubber fired off at police as if to…block them?? Well, this was a bad decision by Mr. Thomas, as he was tased a couple of times, rumor has it once in the crotch, and taken into custody. Now Tyler can watch the game from his couch, with an ice pack on his nuts, unless of course he has community service that evening. Nice career move, genius. Ju-Co football in Oregon will be a blast, not to mention really competitive…

3) Hat Hate-

Oregon State Beavers "BEAVERS" The Game Classic Bar Adjustable Cap with Mascot Name

Get it? Like a vagina?!?

Yeah, game hats that say COCKS, or FU, or BEAVERS are hilarious…if you’re in middle school! I can gladly say I never owned one of these hats, probably because my dad would’ve thrown it in the fireplace and then made me do child labor for a month if I ever tried to leave the house with one on, but now that I’m a mature adult (haha) I am really glad I didn’t own one. The hat itself with its catchy sexual innuendo was bad enough, but then there were the guys who would scrape the bill along some concrete to give it the Abercrombie frayed look. Yikes. It was the mid-90’s version of the Von Dutch hat. I hated it, and I’m glad I don’t see it anymore. And the thing is, growing up in Texas nobody gives a shit about South Carolina, Fordham (nobody cares about Fordham anywhere) or Oregon State. However, every single purchase of these ridiculous hats gives money to that school. Hey, Oregon State, how about a hat that just has “OSU” on the front? I’ll tell you why not- because Beavers is slang for vagina and it’s effing funny, bro! Oregon State, as well as the rest of the Pacific Northwest, is so ahead of the curve and edgy. It is my challenge to every spitblood reader to destroy any hat you see Saturday that says Beavers on it. If you see anyone over the age of 16 with one on, please ridicule them to no end for their middle school hat fetish. I imagine any grown man wearing at hat that says Beavers on it is probably the type you’ll see Chris Hanson questioning on To Catch A Predator. And if you see a girl wearing one, then she is BEGGING you to call her a slut to her face and to de-virginize a bathroom stall inside of Jerry World.

And that’s this week’s lesson in Frog opponent Hate.


HFrog77 said...

Does the 3rd point mean we shouldn't bring our "Lick the Beavers" signs to the game?

shortnkerley's said...

I'll allow it for a few reasons. 1) you are mocking them. 2) it's funny. 3) oregon state receives no royalties for writing their name on said poster board. 4) it's funny.

Also, if I see anyone who decides to bring their old Beavers Game hat out of the closet and X through the name with a sharpie, I will escort them out of the stadium by myself.

shortnkerley's said...

I'll also allow "spit on the beavers" or anything of the sort.

SuperSweet HornedFrog said...

What about, Come On Beavers!

SuperSweet HornedFrog said...

What about, Come On Beavers!

Turnip said...

You should have a Reddit button.