Wednesday, August 18, 2010

An Open Letter to an Old Friend.


Don't say I didn't warn you.

Here at Spitblood, we do everything in our power to deliver content to the interwebs every single day. It may not always be pertinent to your interests, and it may not have any editing. Heck, it may just be a picture of a baby hitting a bong. But regardless, we really do try and I really feel like we’ve done well this summer in beating the off-season lull that has plagued the site during its first couple of years. It was certainly a perfect storm – conference realignment, the TCU Baseball team, a seemingly early start to off-season practice, the occasional abtract ramblings of D – but, judging by the numbers, it appears that we’ve kept the interest of most of the readers that we have picked up over the past couple of years and have already passed the total number of readers we had last year, including the outlying boffo month of November sparked by the Snix Incident.


However, despite all of this sustained interest and the growing number of commenters who are complete strangers to the founders, I’ve noticed one who has been extremely conspicuous due to his absence, a reader who, when he’s firing on all cylinders, has me refreshing my posts at a lightning rate just so I can see what daggers he’s thrown, a reader who, despite his absence and affiliation, is still probably the most popular commenter to ever grace SpitBlood’s bandwidth.


Yes, I’m talking about you, Purple Pansy.


Seriously - where are you, PP? Where is your blatant Longhorn Homerism? Your rapist wit? Your slew of homophobic TCU-centric retaliatory slurs? Having a bunch of people agree with everything I say is fun and all, but the main thing my posts have been missing is your caustic embrace. I know the National Title game loss still stings most Longhorn fans, but it’s a new season with a new goldenboy quarterback! Life goes on!


I mean, let’s ponder all of the things that Pansy has had to work with since we’ve seen him last:


Nebraska loses to Texas on the last play of the game under fishy circumstances that has us in an uproar. The fact that he never came around for this one is shocking. Think about it – there were rumblings from our fanbase that TCU should’ve been included in the big game over Texas even before this game; afterwards, we were in an uproar. It was another case of Texas getting all the calls. No one outside of Austin thought it was fair. We RIPPED UT and Colt’s clock management sense for that one. And Pansy never came to gloat? How could this be? Is he a new man?


TCU loses to Boise State in the Fiesta Bowl. We were beaten by a WAC team! In our first BCS game! On a fake punt! Come on! We had been hyping up how the MWC should be a BCS automatic qualifier for years and then we finally get our chance and blow it ! This is like Shaquillle O’Neal going for a layup over Shaun Livingston post knee-destruction. He had almost a full week to come gloat about the game before UT even played. I can credit this to him being in game mode in the waning moments before Colt got sand in his vagina, and even though they lost the game UT still hung around with a freshman quarterback and made things interesting late. How could he not come rub in how much Andy Dalton sucks and Garrett Gilbert rules? Are you losing your edge?


Texas puts together a ridiculous recruiting class, including snagging guys from FW, while TCU puts up one that was good, but not altogether worthy of a perennial Top 10 team. This one may be a stretch, but it still applies because UT fans will get on their high horse about anything and everything.


TCU plays UT in the Super Regionals. This is the big one. I don’t care who you are and what your feelings are about baseball, if you were a fan of either team you were into this series. Sure, it doesn’t generate the interest of a football game – and PP, if you have a direct line to Mack, please tell him we’re game anytime – but it’s big bad Texas vs Little Ole TCU for a chance to go to Omaha. Not talking shit leading up to the game is acceptable because, hey, even the most unabashedly ignorant UT fan understood that TCU had a pretty solid squad so no reason to screw up the karma. And then, after Purke shut the Horns down on Friday, I can see why he may have been a little cautious before walking into a hornets nest. But after the Saturday game, there’s no excuse. It was a blowout. It was exactly what UT expected to do and they did it. TCU can’t handle the big stage. UT will always be better. We’re Texas. You know, the works. And, even if you ignore the game 3 result, our post game celebration should’ve sealed the deal for a triumphant pansy return. Come on, how classless were we?!?! Why couldn’t we just act like we had been there rather than piling up on their field (other than the fact that we hadn’t been there, of course). And, even though we got lucky and made it to Omaha, we couldn’t possibly expect to have any staying power, could we? Couldn’t possibly expect to force a championship game with UCLA in our bracket, could we? Couldn’t possible expect to put together one of the greatest comebacks in CWS history, right? You really missed your shot there, sir.


Conference Realignment. Texas fans still have wet dreams thinking about how much control and authority they asserted over the summer in the whole realignment scenario because until they pistol whipped all the little brothers in the Big 12, they controlled the entire college football landscape and whatever decision they made would change everything. So that’s reason enough to brag – “You may have beaten us in baseball, but we wear the pants in the NCAA.” But then consider what happened in FW. We gloated when it looked like Baylor was going to have to come crawling to the MWC for membership. We all but incorporated Kansas, Kansas State and Missouri into our fold and declared ourselves the new “it” conference. And then, when Colorado and Nebraska decided to leave and UT decided to stay, we then declared ourselves the newest member of the Big 12. We spread rumors of Chris Del Conte and Gary Patterson meeting with Dan Beebe. We spread rumors of supposed BIG ANNOUNCEMENTS at 2:00 PM TODAY!! And then we ended up in a conference that, when all was said and done, treaded water. And, if today's announcements are true, we may not even be that! Where were you to remind us that we'll always be the low man on the totem pole? That the Big 12 would never allow a team as lowly as TCU into their ranks while overlooking Baylor and Iowa State?


TCU's Biggest Pre-season Hype in Years, and possibly ever. So if all that wasn’t enough to entice you, how have you stayed away from all of the Frog related pre-season hype being strewn about? A top 10 ranking? A Heisman campaign for Andy Dalton? Pre-season All Americans out the wazzoo? An opening game at JerryWorld? Sportswriters penning genuine articles suggesting we have a legitimate shot at winning a National Championship? Where has our voice of reason been to inform us that, if we ever played any real competition, we’d be no better off than Baylor? That if we were in the Big 12, we’d just be a cute little also ran like Tech that might flare up once a generation? Where have you been to tell us how badly Texas would beat us while cleverly ignoring the fact that your beloved Horns avoid having to back up their words on the field against TCU like a UT athlete avoids not getting arrested? We’re getting unruly and need to be put in our place. Where's our voice of reason?


Stadium Reconstruction. And, even after all of those reasons, how have you not gotten on board with the legion of UT fans bashing our recently announced $100 million stadium reconstruction project? Why haven’t you been here to tell us how silly it is for a team that rarely sells out its stadium to spend all of this money making it more expensive to attend games? Or how we’ll never be taken seriously with a stadium that only holds 40,000? And what team claiming to be elite LOWERS their seating capacity in the first place? Why aren’t you here to attack us for having a terrible, fair weather fanbase or for being the least popular team in our own city while glossing over the fact that, until 2005, Texas regularly had non-sell outs even before their own stadium was expanded despite having one of the largest fanbases to draw from in the entire country? Why aren’t you here to overlook the fact that TCU barely has enough living alumni to fill our stadium and, despite this, was still able to fund this massive project with only 34 donors? Or to talk about how TCU doesn’t have enough history to brand the new stadium as the “Camden Yards of College Football?”


So where are you Pansy? Are you alive? Did leave it all out on the field, unlike your hero Colt? Did you get gunned down in a strip club snafu while imitating your beloved Vincent? Did you foolishly accept a ride on Cedric Benson’s boat? Is Roy Williams using you as his gimp everytime he drops a pass? I’ll be honest – if there’s a world where I can’t receive the gentle, soothing opinions of the one man left on the planet who still views Vince Young as a misunderstood youngster and not as the coddled, mental midget he is, then I want no part of it.

5 comments:

Texas Hammer said...

AMERICA...FUCK YEA!!!!

D said...

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

PurplePanzy likes getting
tea-bagged.

shortnkerley's said...

I think he outted himself to a few TCU fans and since then has been afraid to unabashedly talk shit and sound like a dumb shit, since a few of us know he was such a coddled mommas boy growing up that he couldn't stomach going to college further than 2 miles away from his parents house. I mean shit, somebody had to do his laundry, right Pansy?

LT4heisman said...

Goodbye $220.00 season tickets.

LT4heisman said...

Excellent rant, by the way.