Thursday, August 26, 2010

A Little GTL Celebrating the Last Thursday With No Football.

Keep It In Your Pants, SMU.

In this week's version of his College Football Mailbag, SI.com pundit and occasional SpitBlood punching bag Stewart Mandel was asked a question regarding comparing NCAA Football Teams to cast members on Jersey Shore. Unfortunately for his less enthusiastic readership, Mandel failed to deliver on answer the question but instead invited his readers to take their own shot at it and he'd post the best responses next week. Seeing as how I'm so ravenously ready for next weekend that I can hardly sit still at my desk for two seconds unless I'm reading about football, and also seeing as how I'm the most closeted of closet Jersey Shores fans still left, I knew I had to take the bait and hopefully get SB some love in the process. However, rather than take the easy way out and compare everyone to a major program, I decided I'd up the difficulty level and only include opponents on the current Frogs schedule. The end result is rockier than JWoWW's undercarriage, but I thought it was worth a post as it's been a slow news day.

Situation – Utah. This one must be pretty obvious as both parties involved took their short term success and turned it into long term profitability. The Situation took his guido image and loud mouth, turned it into a $5 million windfall and quickly escalated himself to the head of the cast. By the same measure, Utah has taken short term success – let’s face it, what did they have going for them prior to the Urban Meyer led Fiesta Bowl run in 2004? – and turned it into a multi-million dollar payday with the Pac 10 invite. And much like the Situation did to his self proclaimed little sister Snooki, Utah banged out their sister BYU in the hot tub and then left her high and dry. Also like The Situation, the Utes are capitalizing on their success now, because in two years the best job they'll be able to get is a spot on the Surreal Life, otherwise known as 3rd place in the Pac 12.


Ronnie – New Mexico. While most of the cast members have seemingly figured out in season two that they can still fill their roles on the show without coming across as complete jerk offs, Ron Ron is still going out to the clubs, getting hammered, diving on grenades and alienating himself from the rest of the housemates to the point that I'm pretty sure someone in the house is going to take him deep sea fishing and give him the Fredo treatment. Ronnie is completely unstable and if he does any more blow or sticks another syringe of HGH in his ass, he's going to pop like an overstuffed tick. By comparison, New Mexico Head Coach Mike Locksley walks around acting like a roided up juice head by punching out his assistants and sexually harassing his secretaries, all the while the rest of the conference realizes the positive foothold the MWC has on the national scene and adjusts accordingly, leaving the Lobos in the dust. Mike Locksley is definitely the President of the MWC's Chapter of the I.F.F.


Angelina –BYU. This was the easiest one. Angelina started strong in season one, showing up with nothing but the trash bags in her hands and going toe to toe with the rest of the housemates, only to abruptly leave the house and strike out on her own. But, when everyone else started gaining more notoriety and getting paid, she came crawling back, only to make an ass of herself and end up being even more disliked in the process. I’m pretty sure you can substitute “BYU” for “Angelina” and the entire scenario works out accordingly. When the MWC first started, the Cougars were on level ground with everyone else, and probably even more so than most. But while they sat back and took themselves out of the national scene by dropping games they shouldn't have, the rest of their cast – Utah to the Pac 10, TCU in the Fiesta Bowl. Boise State being invited– started passing them by, gave them no respect, and they tried to strike out on their own. Unfortunately for the Cougars, they learned the hard way that sometimes it’s easier to further your own success by riding the coattails of the rest of the group, so they returned, only to be spurned by everyone after they talked a bunch of shit to J420 and Johnny Yanks, ie the WAC, while absent. Now, the Cougars are back in the mix, but even after they admit that they did wrong, no one likes them


JWoWW – Oregon State. In season one of Jersey Shore, JWoww, despite her provactive fashion sense,was, for lack of a better term, banged up lookin’ And I don’t mean that in a, “well, she needs a few tweaks here and there and she could potentially be serviceable,” I mean, “Girl had a skunk weave, the silliest looking boob job I’ve ever seen, and the intelligence of a retarded dolphin.” There are Vietnamese hookers most people would ride bareback before even considering Jenni. In other words, she had a ways to go. But, after experiencing her season of success, someone obviously got in touch with her and she lost the skunk weave, stopped trying to pass lingerie off as evening attire, and pretty took some attention off her her face by further accenting her "girls." Much like JWoWW, Oregon State are a bunch of blue collar folks who took some beatings before hiring a successful strategist – in the case, Mike Riley – covering up their black eyes and bruises with some heavy make up – swapping non conference losses by beating up on USC – and bought themselves some fancy new “girls” in the Rogers Brothers. In reality though, I could’ve just mentioned “JWoWW” and “Beavers” and left it at that and you would’ve gotten the point, right?


Vinny – Baylor. In season one, Vinny was the non-threatening house member that, while he occasionally stepped out from behind his harmless fa├žade and challenged the Sitaution, was more or less never taken seriously and was probably the least interesting cast member in the series. Fast forward to season two, and Vinny has a new haircut, new cocky attitude, spanking new trashy tat and an unhealthly alliance with Pauly D and The Situation, known as MVP. Apparently Vinny’s publicist informed him that nice guys finish last when it comes to book deals and endorsements. Like Vinny, since the Big 12 was formed Baylor has always been the non- threatening cast member that would occasionally step out of line and beat aggy, but has still never had a winning record in conference play. Now? Baylor got tired of watching the conference members rack up wins and paydays, got themselves a new haircut – Art Briles – and new, personality defining tattoo – Robert Griffin – and are hoping to be the third wheel in the OU/UT Big 12 South entourage. BOT if you will. But, your past will always catch up to you and, much like Vinnie eventually got drunk and banged out Snooki despite looking like he was going to make a name for himself, the Bears, amidst the highest of expectations, lost Robert Griffin for the season and collapsed back into mediocrity. The Bears eventually had to beg their more popular friends to help them get laid by giving them their money to keep the Big 12 together, much like Vinny’s future will most certainly involve begging the Situation and Pauly to let him be their wing man and fall on any grenades that roll his way.


Snooki - SMU. Snooki is small, she looks like a troll, she’s northeast trash of the worst kind and she most likely has some serious daddy issues. SMU is small time, their athletic success is about as attractive as a troll’s ass, they’re filled with a bunch of trash from the northeast – much like Snooki (wink wink)– and, they most certainly have daddy issues with the NCAA due to the whole Death Penalty thing. Besides, they may run their mouths a lot about how classy and relevant they are, but at the end of the night they end up spreading their legs for the drunk guy at the bar, aka CUSA teams, anyway.


Pauly D - San Diego State. Because I imagine most of their student body sports gelled hair and dingaling piercings. That's really all I have - Pauly is actually kind of normal.


Sammi – Tennessee Tech. This was probably the hardest one to match because both are completely irrelevant and boring, but, for the sake of finishing I pressed on. Sammi is easily the most insufferable member of the cast and I’m pretty sure she’s just around as some sort of sadistic side bet made by Ronnie as to how many times he can tell her he hates her and then come home and smush her. And I think Sammi is in on it; she shows up, parties in Miami for a couple of months, gets banged out, then collects her payday and goes on her way. Let’s look at Tennessee Tech’s non-conference opponents over the past few seasons: TCU, Arkansas, Kansas State, Georgia, Louisville, Auburn. You know the scene in that movie Road Trip where Tom Green asks the girl that was only cast in that movie because she took her clothes off and let that guy lick her toes, “Are you here for the feeding?” Well, yeah, that pretty much sums up every single non-conference game for Tennessee Tech. They show up, get smushed by a much larger force of nature, take their money and then live the rest of their lives out how they see fit. They pimp themselves out more aggressively than Laurence Fishburne’s daughter.


So, hope you guys enjoyed that because from here on out its football football football! Eh, who am I trying to kid - if I figure out a way to incorporate Arrested Development or Wet Hot American Summer into a post, I'm going for it. Go Frogs.

5 comments:

Bodenman said...

Genius!

"They pimp themselves out more aggressively than Laurence Fishburne’s daughter." Holy sh*t!!!

Adam said...

BYU = Angelina is spot on.

LA Frog said...

Holy shit that was hilarious. I commend you.

Jack Burton said...

This is the story of a wealthy family who lost everything, and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. This is Arrested Development... haha it would be too easy to compare characters and schools

Sir Wesley Willis said...

Dammit Jack! Now I'm never going to be able to do any work related tasks today.