With temperatures rising, baseball cranking up its second half and the faux respite that was the World Cup over, it’s official: The dregs of summer are upon us. I’ve tried to tease myself into getting excited about Cowboys Training Camp getting kicked off this Saturday, and have even talked myself into the Hall of Fame Game early in August, but why kid with my emotions – The Cowboys are merely a Sunday afternoon sorbet pallete cleanser between the Il Mulino Porcini Mushroom Ravioli and Veal Parmesan that are TCU Gamedays. The good news about the offseason? It’s one day closer to being over than it was yesterday. The Bad? There are still, like, a shitload of days between now and the Oregon State Game. But fear not, Frogs fans, for I’ve proposed ten ways to beat the off-season that, if executed to perfection, should help us coast right into the matchup at the Death Star.
Campaign for all of our Pre-season Hype Machine Frogs - This is definitely what inspired this post because, my GOODNESS that’s a healthy list of pre-season accolades that need some campaignin’ Obviously we’ve gotten a healthy start on the AD for Heisman campaign by organizing a website and internet bombing Stewart Mandel, and that’s good, but twelve of our twenty two starters have garnered some sort of off season recognition and they need our help. I won’t go into every single mention, but at first glance it looks like we have four guys with genuine chances to take home some sort of national prize at the end of the year. They are:
Now I realize that several of these awards overlap, so we obviously can’t win them all individually, but there’s still a lot to work with. And while Rooster is certainly going to be a long shot to win any of his awards because of his unfair perception in the media, I think between Marcus Cannon and Jake Kirkpatrick, Jake picking up the Rimington Award as the Nation’s Best Center should be well within reach and having two legitimate contenders for the Outland Award as the Nation’s Best Offensive Lineman, victory should also not be considered out of the realm of possibility. Tank Carder’s status health-wise is his biggest hindrance right now, and being an under classmen won’t help his cause either, but we should by no means rule him out for either of those two awards. Having three on the Lombardi Watch List also gives us a huge leg up on the competition.
I have linked to the websites of each of the above awards where you should be able to find some contact information. Send pictures, letters, press clippings, original pieces of art work, ransom notes, whatever you think will get the job done. The beauty part of this is, other than the Heisman, no one really openly campaigns for these awards this early in the year, so our voices will definitely be heard. If you need to kidnap a presenter and switch faces with him, then lock him in a basement somewhere until the season is over and cast his vote for him, just don’t say I sent you this.
Order a Schedule Poster – One of my favorite things about the TCU Coaches Dinner is, at the end, being able to pick up my new schedule poster and have GP sign it while I make awkward small talk and pee my pants in his presence. Unfortunately this year I was unable to make it and now have an empty wall in my office, but at least a smaller dry cleaning bill. Fortunately, TCU Publications is selling them online for $5 a piece and they’ll ship it straight to you, albeit sans being autographed by the man himself. Or even better, if you live in Fort Worth, I believe they have a bunch of copies at the ticket office that they’re handing out for free. Or, if you want to wait a month, they always have a bunch lying around at the parking pass pick up party at the alumni center. So with all those options, you may think it’s silly to pay for the poster in the first place, then pay shipping costs that are higher than the item itself rather than wait a couple of weeks and get it for free. To that I would say you are very lucky because the depths of your TCU Football withdrawals are a kiddie pool compared to my Mariana Trench.
But, however you obtain said poster, display it proudly in your work space and, rather than having a Dr. Pepper at 10, 2, and 4, get down on your knees and bow down to your very own personal photograph of Mecca, aka Amon G Carter Stadium. It’s better than getting diabeetus.
Mail a Hawaiian Tropics swimsuit model day calendar to June Jones with a Successful D-1 Athletes’ GPA and his Athletic Director’s Name and Phone number on Each Day – Now I realize this one would take a significant time investment, and would also require access to a printing press of sorts, but just think of it. Every single day June Jones would be reminded of the life he left behind (island life, beautiful women in bikinis, low expectations and even lower academic standards), plus be forced to acknowledge his current situation (undesirable climate, beautiful women except they wear real clothes, unrealistically high expectations and academic standards, and an administration that refuses to allow him to advance his program beyond a certain level) and even throw him a bone by giving him a direct line to his next job. It’s a huge winning proposition for the creator – you get to internet search for 365 women in thong bikinis, you get to break June Jones’ spirits and you get to help usher him out of town, thus destroying the SMU Football program. What’s not to like?
Poop in a Box and Mail it to Mack Brown – Be honest, right now you’re asking yourself, “Why Haven’t I done this already??” Or, if you’re WWHD, you’re asking, “Why Hasn’t Mack responded to my fecalgram yet?” Regardless, Mack Brown is pure evil and should be punished for his masked fear of TCU Athletics. DeLoss Dodds may run the athletic department, but Mack Brown is heavily involved in the circle jerk and as football goes, so does the rest of it. Mack doesn’t want a home/home series with the Frogs? No one wants a home/home series with the Frogs. Mack doesn’t want TCU in the Big 12? No one wants TCU in the Big 12. Mack Brown doesn’t think masseuses should give happy ending massages to ex-presidential candidates? Well, you see where I’m going. Mack Brown is basically the biggest thing holding TCU back from being considered a viable candidate for the Big 12 and its delectable BCS automatic bid and as long as he’s in Austin – which he will be for a long, long time – we’re always going to be considered an also ran when it comes to National title discussion. And while a coup d'etat installing WWHD as Texas AD/Head Football Coach and letting him run them both into the ground is the most preferable method of attack, perhaps a couple dozen Fed Ex’d Cleveland Steamers would change Mack’s tune. Regardless, with all the shit UT has unleashed upon the world - proof - it’s time we send a little shit back their way.
Play in the SpitBlood Golf Tournament – You may see this as overt pandering – and you’d be right – but, the tournament is going to be a fantastic time for everyone involved and you really should get involved. I can’t promise you that the golf will be worth watching, nor that you won’t have to change the shirt you sweated through in the August heat three or four times, but I CAN assure you that you will get drunk and at least some of the proceeds will go to help kids in need receive the thing most vital to their survival – A Saturday at Amon G. It’ll also be our chance to show the world that bloggers CAN be athletic, as long as there is beer and in-sport transportation involved.
Host an Impromptu Tailgate Party at Amon G Before School Starts – I don’t know about you guys, but whenever I make a stop through Fort Worth for anything at all, I’ll typically swing by Lot 3, spot 235 and just make sure no one is mistreating my approximately 4x8 foot claim of TCU property. Keep the damn kids off my lawn, so to speak. I love that spot, so why limit my happiness with it to 6 instances a year? Why not make tailgating a year round occurrence? The drawback here is, for anyone who is unfamiliar with TCU’s non-football game day alcohol regulations, you can’t legally booze in the parking lots unless it’s one of those six designated Saturdays a year. Yes, apparently you can enforce policies that are only good during 2% of the year. Tried to tailgate for a basketball game a couple of years back. Shut down. Tried to tailgate for the Spring game this year. Moderate success, but TCU po-po took offense on at least one occasion, and it turns out it was actually safer to drink in section V, so tailgating was rendered moot. Thus, the decision to have the party while school isn’t in session. Sure, you’ll draw a lot more attention as the parking lot will be mostly empty, but I have to imagine they cut back the Froggie 5-0 Force when school isn’t in full session and the only time you see them in Freshman Overflow is when they’re getting paid to take their naps. I did one time receive an eerie Big Brother speech from an officer when I was caught peeing in the parking lot and was told, “If you can see the stadium… the stadium can see you,” so, there may be a matter of destroying some surveillance cameras. But as its all in the good name of TCU Football, the trespassing, destruction of school property, public indecency and evading arrest charges will be well worth it. Consider it a charitable donation for the good of the Frogs.
Illegally Donate to a Current Recruit - We’re all friends here so I expect a bit of honesty: Who among us doesn’t aspire to be a filthily sleazy booster by the time they hit their 40s? Honestly, it’s one of the major reasons I make feeble attempts to work hard at my job. Growing up the son of a Southwest Conference era sleazy Arkansas Razorbacks booster, I’ve seen firsthand the benefits of giving a heralded recruit a paying “summer job.” Seriously, I know several boosters in the Longview area alone who have done some things that would’ve made Reggie Bush look like a pauper. However, with the NCAA having their stingers out in a big way at present, we’ll have to be creative and at least make it LOOK like they EARNED their rewards. Finch, you’re a strapping young entrepreneur, anyway you can get Greg Townsend, Jr on the payroll at the car wash? I think a Southern California branch would suit you guys well. I’m already running the HR paperwork to make Malcolm Brown my personal assistant and I think I HATE H just quit his job and is moving back to the area solely for villainous recruiting purposes. Or at least that's how I picture it. We all have to make sacrifices, guys. And if you're a Catholic, consider it part of your annual tithing. The Virgin's down with the Frogs.
Start an Internet Fight with a Competing Site - You guys remember that time the Finch and Snix got into a Facebook message slapfight and we published it and had our readership expand exponentially in literally one afternoon? Yeah, that was fun. I think we mined all the new readers we could out of the Eastern Bloc, but why stop there? Who’s to say it can’t work again? David Peterson is a nice guy, but why not push his buttons a little bit, see what can happen? Maybe behind that calm, well informed façade he’s a raging ex-roid freak just ready to snap? Or maybe go for the big hit and yank some pageviews from PurpleMenace? If those nerds will pay $10/month for a message board and high school recruiting stories, imagine what they might give us for our message boards, high school recruiting blog AND ill-informed and typically irrelevant opinions? Could SMU Hate revenues be the new dot com boom? Screw trying to entertain our current readership; let’s rape and pillage the ranks of every other TCU site, drive them out of business and become the one and only internet based source for TCU related material!
Alright alright, I’m just messing around – I really like what Menace and HornedFrogSports have to offer and know that they’re infinitely more vital to the good of TCU athletics than we are… but if you want to go over to the Eastern Bloc and start pushing our site, I’ll give you a slew of usernames and passwords I’ve created that are just itching to be banned.
Rewatch all of your Old Games on TIVO - If you’re like me, you have a lot of old TCU games clogging your DVR that you’ve watched 1000 times yet can’t bring yourself to delete which in turn leaves no space for your wife to record Gossip Girl and results in you sleeping in the guest room every so often as punishment. I just don't know WHY it keeps failing to record Dancing with the Stars, honey!? But still, you’ve got them, and what better way to bridge the gap between January and September than to kick back, slip a Miller Lite in your SB sponsored GP Head koozie and watch the Frogs plunder Utah all over again? Seriously, the Tank Carder pick 6 ages like a fine wine, as does the Greg Burks special teams slaughter. I’ve even expanded the collection this year to include the second Florida State game from the CWS, just for a little variety. Sure, it may not be the best late night segue for getting girls from your couch to your bedroom or even a rooftop party, but knowing that you can come home any day of the week and watch Ed Wesley front flip over the BYU goal line will make any negative side effects moot.
Read SpitBlood Everyday – Because, hey, how are you going to live a long and prosperous life without taking your daily medicine?
That should cover at least a couple of weeks worth of off-season time, so let's hear some more ideas in the comments and it'll be time to feed Jerry Jones' coffers before you know it!