Monday, June 7, 2010

A Week without Sleep: UT Hate Week 2010.

I can now hate UT in two languages
and you can too!!

By becoming a TCU fan later in my life as a sports fan, I came to realize my hate for SMU more as a necessity than an inherent truth. This isn’t to say that I don’t feel that SMU hate is vital to my being – oh, it is. BULLEE DAT. I hate those penny loafer, candy striped assholes more than Jessica Simpson hates dieting – but truthfully, had I chosen not to attend TCU, I probably never would’ve given SMU a second glance as something to be despised. Not because they don't deserve it, but because I wouldn't even know where to begin deriving the relevance for said hate.

The University of Texas, on the other hand, has always inspired a hatred in me that cannot be matched even by a palms up, quizzical stare from Manu Ginobili or Tim Duncan. You know the way GP hates kickers? Like two kids playing paddy cake by comparison to how I feel about those assholes to the south.

Growing up an Arkansas fan initiated my hate because, my goodness, those people do not like the Longhorns.

Seriously, Arkansas would be foolish to ever leave the SEC, but if going to the Big 12 meant getting to fire up their hate each fall at the cost of lost revenue, there would be boosters coming out of the woodwork to make up the difference.

If there's a bigger UT hater than my dad, an ex-Arkansas football player, then he's probably locked deep in the bowels of Alcatraz and kept watch over by some sort of military created mutants that have never been formally introduced to the world. I can honestly say I learned from the best and am forever indebted.

On a less reverent note, by coming of age in Longview my hate was streamlined because if there’s a bigger collection of t shirt fans in the entire state outside of Austin and the surrounding areas, I’d like to see it. Seriously, of the 75,000 folks that call Longview home, MAYBE 5,000 actually attended UT, but at least 65,000 of them claim the Horns as their team. The mere thought of the amount of orange and white on the bumpers of those mid nineties pick ups with lift kits and Kilgore College student parking stickers in the window is enough to send me into cardiac arrest even having been removed from it for eight years. Logically, you'd think all the non VD rednecks would gravitate towards College Station, while the more herpes inclined 'neck would be more interested in Tech, but somehow, despite Austin and all its damned hippies, those East Texas Klannies just can't get enough of that burnt orange. It's sickening and could honestly make even the most devout, UT asshole graduate question their allegiance.

Continuing on our journey, my hate was further intensified by the masochistic lifestyle my dad and I chose for ourselves while growing up, otherwise known as College Football Saturdays when we’d sit around and watch games with a bunch of my parents friends who were for the most part, you guessed it, T shirt UT fans. Sure, we had some fun with it – most notably by wrapping towels around our heads and proclaiming that if Texas was playing the Taliban, we’d wear turbans – but really, how I subjected myself to that kind of thing for the majority of fall Saturdays during my teenage years and didn’t go postal shows that I have a measure of restraint unseen in most normal men and even some pacifists. On the flipside though, perhaps that's how I generate all my TCU fan rage? Perhaps, without this conditioning, Lessons in SMU Hate would've never been born? I guess there truly is a bright side to everything.

Lastly though, my hate was truly perfected during the TCU/UT game a few years back when I bit the bullet and subjected myself to the wrath of 95,000 orange clad shitbags in DKR Memorial Stadium. I even went down with the ship after the Frogs infamous second half collapse, the opposite of which is typically my one shortcoming as a sports fan. And in those conditions, who who could've blamed me? In truth, the fans weren’t as terrible as I expected. In fact, I can only remember one guy saying anything to me, even as I was VICIOUSLY rubbing in the Torrey Stewart TAINT in the first half. But, as the saying goes, you’re only as strong as your weakest link, and let’s be honest, their overwhelming fan base has more weak links than Obamacare.

So how much do I really hate UT? I hate UT so much that I once broke up with a girlfriend because she was a fan. And she had big boobs! I hate UT so much that I not only cheered the Colt McCoy injury, I was pulling for it to be career ending – not because McCoy doesn’t seem like a really nice guy, but just because of the bird shit stain on his helmet. I even openly cheered for Terrence Cody to ingest Garrett Gilbert and poop him out on the sidelines, despite my often crippling knack to cheer for the underdog. I hate UT so much that I cheer for aggy over them every single year. And I hate aggy, but seriously, no one was cheering louder than I was the year that aggy was BLATANTLY trying to injure Colt. I hate UT so much that I secretly wished Vince Young would get locked up in a mental institution during his breakdown with the Titans. Or worse. Seriously, after the UT/Arkansas game in 2004 - the year of the "bad Rose Bowl" as those dickwads refer to it - which Arkansas QB Matt Jones pissed away late, watching Vince Young walk off that field with his Horns up, you would've had to restrain me from tossing lighter fluid on him had he spontaneously combusted right there. I hate UT so much that I wish the statisticians could subtract any touchdown incurred by Roy Williams as a Dallas Cowboys. Seriously, I’d rather have all of his points go towards the other team’s total than have to witness that shitstain throw up his Horns in the end zone one more time. I hate UT so much that I was tempted to pull for Kobe Bryant in their first round series against the OKC Durants. Only tempted, mind you. I do have human qualities, after all. I hate UT so much that if I was drowning and Mack Brown offered me a life raft, I’d lure him into the water, pop the raft and then drown us both. I hate UT so much that I hope Colt realizes his destiny and leaves his new bride for Jordan, crushing her soul. You don’t think they pre-arranged the whole Cleveland/Cincinnati thing with the league? Please. I hate UT so much that I’m planning on getting Augie Garrido drunk this week and convincing him to plow through a bunch of pedestrians on 6th street. That is, if he doesn’t do it on his own before I can get to him. I hate UT so much that if an earthquake opened a hole in the earth that swallowed the entire campus, I would go point and laugh and throw pee filled water balloons in the hole. I hate UT so much that if we lose this weekend… well, that could be it for old Sir Wesley.

But, enough of what I think – we need to unite our hate and craft it into a well oiled hate machine. Let’s build a pretty hate machine in the comments section. I have a feeling WWHD and I HATE H have a few opinions on the matter.

Go Frogs. For your health.


Middle Man said...

this was better than jim rome and his thoughts on aTm.

LT4heisman said...

Well said. That was some sprited hate. Getting smashed in the face with a piss balloon would add ultimate insult to the earthquake injury.

I also commend the life raft scenario.

Rotten Arsenal said...

Can we nominate this for a Pulitzer?

shortnkerley's said...

I got a total hate boner when at a BCS championship watching party my friends (in Austin, none of whom went to UT) were rubbing the TCU loss in my face saying we didn't belong in a BCS bowl. Watching Colt McCoy go down on that opening drive with a serious case of vaginitis was the most delicious tasting bit of Karma I have ever experienced in my life. Let's hope they run their mouths about their greatness all week again, and the Taylor Jungmann throw is arm out in the first inning of the deciding game and the Frogs roll to victory. Don't care how we win, just win it.

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Hank Scorpio said...

Last year at the Super Regional was the worst. UT fans blasting Omaha by the counting crows wearing burnt orange t-shirts with Omaha written on them. With inspiration from comic book guy "gayest fans ever"