Thursday, April 1, 2010

Gary Patterson's Three Biggest Truths

I really just wanted a reason to post this song. Seriously, do yourself a favor and listen.

There are certain truths we hold to be self evident when we talk about Gary Patterson.

One, he hates special teams and, most notably, athletes who suit up on his special teams units. If the choice came down to being able to berate a kicker for going wide right or eating dinner at Del Friscos, I can assure you that he would probably pull that belt loop one rung tighter in the evening in order to get his rageahol fix for the afternoon. And, if you're at all familiar, you know that GP LOVES him some Del's. Ross Evans, just know that if you come between GP and a T-bone, you better be prepared to face the consequences.

The second truth is he loves mock turtlenecks. I’m not sure what it is about those lazy neck huggers that the man finds so endearing, but if he needs a career after football, I’m sure he can put those strained neck muscles to use for a modeling agency somewhere. Seriously though, I think the main reason behind the mock turtlenecks is two fold. One, the man has a large head that is just chock FULL of defensive schemin' brain and, though he seems to have a pretty solid neck foundation, even world champion weight lifters need back support to perform their daily duties. At the same time, the mock turtle provides the support of a full, but isn’t quite as limiting when it comes to vocal range. A win win proposition? I think so. When they talk about, "the guy behind the guy," they're talking about whoever manufactures GP's gameday wardrobe. That mock turtleneck is like a coaching genius streamlining iron lung. Mock T? More like MACH T.

And the third truth is, why be timid in getting your point across when you can unleash a full-fledged vocal assault? After all, Al Swearengen didn’t get to be the officially unofficial ruler of Deadwood by not calling people the C word did he? Would you expect your head coach to go about life any differently? And, unlike a lot of successful coaches, GP isn’t viewed as an asshole by the outside world. He knows when to turn it on and off. This is inarguably his most underrated quality. Think about it – Steve Spurrier, asshole who pees on the course at Augusta. Mike Leach, asshole who was fired by his school despite being the most successful coach in their history. Pete Carroll, asshole who hid his rampant transgressions underneath a cloud of stoked awesomeness. Rich Rodriguez, asshole who bails on his alma mater so he can go run an historically prestigious program into the ground. June Jones, asshole who is ruining my life by giving SMU fans a cocky attitude despite ONE bowl victory in 25 years. Lane Kiffin, asshole despite being unsuccessful. Mack Brown, asshole who is loved by players and fans alike, but reviled by outsiders for his smugness. Jim Tressell, doesn’t speak enough to really give off any sort of aura, but wears a smirk and a sweatervest at all times, which just screams asshole. Urban Meyer, asshole who berates reporters and would rather die on the field than be there for his family – actually, I can see why Florida fans love him. Well, that and 2 national championships.

But do you see where I’m trying to take this? Gary is almost universally loved by every fan of TCU football, and if they don’t, they’re morons who think Andy Dalton is overrated. Further, you also won’t meet many fans of opposing teams who would say, “Man, that Gary Patterson SURE is a big jerk!” In fact, quite a few schools would KILL to have him roaming their sidelines. Now, you most CERTAINLY would meet ex-players who would say that he’s a jerk, but hey, if your men don’t fear you, you’ve lost control. Bottom line, how many coaches do you know of that can be SO demanding of their players and be so successful, yet have so few detractors? A magician, that man!

But, amidst all of this supposed transparency, there’s one question that we as TCU fans all share somewhere deep within us, a question that, despite visible signs of frustration on the man’s face because of it, refuses to be acknowledged. A question that, were we to know the answer, we could never possible hope to understand it. A question that, were we to really wrap our heads around it, could possibly change our entire perception of the man, the myth, the legend that is Gary Patterson.

That question?

Hey Gary, why don’t you get a pair of pants that fit??

Or perhaps some suspenders?? After all, Howard Schnellenberger did, and he went out and won himself a championship! I’m not saying they were the direct cause – it helps when you recruit a team full of criminals to do your gridiron bidding – but, have you ever worn a pair of suspenders? They’ll make you feel ten feet tall! If I could wear them everyday, I would. Seriously, embroid a couple of Frogs on a purple pair, pair them with a nicely pressed mock T, and we’re talking five, six, perhaps even SEVEN BCS National Championships by the time this ride is over.

But, then again, if Gary dropped a few waist sizes, would this have ever happened? I suppose, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it" truly applies here. Great work, comrade. Your honorary seat in Section V has officially been reserved.


Sir Wesley Willis said...

sorry about the second paragraph center fail... could not get it to move over. Second paragraph is on my shit list.

Bodenman said...

The whole time I was waiting for the 'lookin like a fool with your pants on ground,' humor. It never happened, thankfully.

Somewhere Zach Morris lowers his head in shame bc he never made adjustments to his Kelly Kapowski cutout.

Sir Wesley Willis said...

Head over to the Eastern Bloc for that kind of stuff.

Will350z said...

Good ol DAC!

I love that DAC X-Rate album.

buffalo said...

i wonder if CGP listens to DAC? i sure hope so.

Texas Hammer said...

GP was an absolute hateful prick on the football field.

Away from it, he's probably one of the nicer guys in the world.

After seeing both sides, I prefer the former. It suits him better.

Sir Wesley Willis said...

That's what I'm saying - he's not like warm and fuzzy necessarily, but he's still the complete opposite of how I imagine him to be on the football field, and he knows how to work the boosters.

VikingFrog said...

Doesn't he lose like 20 pounds every football season?

Hence the pants hiking.

CandypaintWS24 said...

GP is one of the greatest defensive coaches ever in my book. He really knows how to get in your head and get the most out of you as a player. He instills a certain type of fearlessness in his players that allow them to dominate the competition.