Saturday, October 24, 2009

Gameday Update: Pre-game

Where's Spitblood?

Greetings from the tailgate capital of the world - aka Provo, UT. Game time is in less than 2 hours. We have spent most of the afternoon in a TGIFridays attached to our hotel because there is no such thing as a bar in Provo. We are now sitting in our hotel room - WWHD, shortnkerleys, mr and mrs bucknasty and I drinking 3.2% Budweiser's and some sort of medieval meadlike beverage by the name of barenjager which is basically a combination of honey, lighter fluid and hate. lots and lots of hate. hate is gripping me like a vice right now, and that's mostly due to our gameday experience. Elaboration...GO!

Arrive in Salt Lake City at 810 PM - first class trip over due to a scheduling delight brought to you by american airlines mastercard. Double miles? Whatever. Lots of Frogs. Land. Pilot comes on - "GO Frogs" and starts playing a frog chirping sound effect. Mormons on board not excited - Frogs very excited. Load up on beer in Salt Lake, because we fear there will not be facilities to provide such delicacies. Hit up the Provo Wal Mart - lots of activity at the Provo walmart on Friday night. there is a Mcdonalds in the Provo walmart and another in the parking lot. Provo not an efficiency based community. Load up on sign gear. Head to hotel and sleep.

Alarm - 6AM. Pain. terrible, terrible pain, but we know our mission. make signs. They are bad, but deliciously offensive. We like very, very much. BYU dislikes very, very much. Wander to stadium in pitch dark which is directly across the street from hotel. Greatness. Immediately upon arrival, 2 latter day saint douchebags taunt us while wearing coonskin caps, cut off jeans and plaid shirts. I compliment them on their grasp of stereotype while considering asking them how they got their wives to allow them to be to be out so early. Very difficult to get rage up at such an indecent hour, but we will work. Make our way into the gameday arena and meet a very, very long line... throw caution to the winds and circumvent said line. Fantastic whining by BYU fans - "O SO YOU DONT HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE LIKE THE REST OF US? THESE TCU FANS ARE CUTTING!".. the best part? The cop completely defies the BYU fans and lets us in a secret entrance. eat my johnson, BYU. We are told we will get acosted once inside if we don't watch our mouths. No dice, mouths run freely. Make our way inside gameday.

sign FAIL! immediate signs taken - anything reading - bceause you can't have .coms on tv. bucknasty particularly was wronged as his "forget missionary, try froggiestyle"-thank you, vikingfrog - sign was stolen from his grasp by an angry hoard of Mormon polygmaists who tore it to pieces and called WWHD ugly - a fair assessment, yes, but uneccessary. The best part? The BYU police offered to get his sign back as well as throw said fans out. Fascinating that they will throw their own fans under the bus. Mormonism - every man for himself.

Gameday begins and the mood changes. Unruly fans from earlier apologize. we were invited to play football with BYU fans on the intramural field, so they could "show us how to play football"... because we dont' understand football in Texas. fuck off, pal. Other insults involved telling us to, "go back to el paso" which, if lt4hesiman had made the trip this would be udnerstablde, but not this time. Most BYU fans very, very accomodating. make friends. take pictures for us. Signs get on gameday... mostly, "Hey BYU, where's the beer?" and "D day: Invasion of Mormondy." "Hey Max, how does jerys sack taste?" made it momentarily. Bigot Mormon came and told bucknasty to remove his beer sign because "ESPN wants it down". We call bullshit but oblige. We are outnumbered. Gameday drags... fans leave... Desmond picks the Frogs, mostly because the BYUs hate blacks. Herbstreit goes with the home team because he has no balls and wants to keep potential relations open with Mormon women in the future. Corso pulls the ultimate fake out and pulls out the Cougar head then goes Frogs. Even with the stroke the man is on point. Love it. Love it.

On the walk back we were once again verbally abused by some Mormon hatred. How could you be verbally assaulted just walking back to your hotel, you may ask? Well, we tried to cut the red lights and jay-walk and were accused of being "lawbreakers". Apparently they take the law VERY seriously in Mormon country. Anyways, once we got the median, somebody yelled something at us (assuming it was regarding our incredible ability to break the law). However, none of us were paying any mind to said fan and didn't hear his insignificant comment, but it must have been priceless, since by the time we turned around he was busy high-fiving his bff. Gameday in 1.5 hours. Will update.